Old Man Jokes

[OssyClaret]

Can all of you dithering old fogeys slow down on the old man jokes?

The forum is becoming increasingly hard to read with the amount of awful Dad jokes on every thread. The Federico Santandar thread is a painful read.

It can't be healthy on your frail old bodies continuously thinking about where your next opportunity for an awful joke is going to come from.

[Goobs]

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

[Steve1956]

Can all of you dithering old fogeys slow down on the old man jokes?

The forum is becoming increasingly hard to read with the amount of awful Dad jokes on every thread. The Federico Santandar thread is a painful read.

It can't be healthy on your frail old bodies continuously thinking about where your next opportunity for an awful joke is going to come from.

You actually joined to day to post this...ban him it's ageism!

[OssyClaret]

Predictable first response and not a bad effort Goobs.

Steve1956 - Out of interest, at what point in life did you start worrying about ageism? And when does this need to spout awful jokes kick in - do you just run out of other things to talk about, is that what happens? I need to prepare myself for later life.

[Guller Bull]

The Old Man, The Boy, And The Donkey
An old man and a young boy were travelling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying, "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you may as well just kiss your ass goodbye.

[piston broke]

He said - "Shall we try swapping positions tonight"
She said - "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart".

[piston broke]

Tony Mowbray is out shopping in Blackbum when he sees an old lady struggling with her shopping
Tony Mowbray: "Can you manage, love?"
Old Lady: "Up yours, you took the job, you're stuck with it."

[Juan Tanamera]

Two old men sat in deck chairs....

[piston broke]

Two old men sat in deck chairs....

One says " Cold out"
T'other replies "Well put it away before a bobby comes along"

Ah! the old ones, you can't beat em.

[Juan Tanamera]

Morecambe and Wise classic.

[AndrewJB]

A Canadian one: So a seal walks into a club...

[Paul Waine]

Predictable first response and not a bad effort Goobs.

Steve1956 - Out of interest, at what point in life did you start worrying about ageism? And when does this need to spout awful jokes kick in - do you just run out of other things to talk about, is that what happens? I need to prepare myself for later life.

Hi Ossy, welcome to the board.

So, you are worried about when you will start worrying about your age? I guess it's when you are seeing a correlation between the ages of the tellers of jokes and the quality of those jokes. However, it doesn't work like that. When you are at primary school you hear someone tell a joke, usually the boy telling the joke is older than you, or if he is in your class then he has an older brother who has told him the joke. And, you remember that joke - and memory is a wonderful thing. When you are older you are still able to recall that joke that you first heard when you were at primary school. So, you tell that joke - the pity of age is that we can't remember any other jokes. Why do you think Ken Dodd (perhaps you haven't heard of him) and that other guy, Bob something or other, (all the old guys will remember him) wrote down every single joke they'd ever heard....

[Paul Waine]

A Canadian one: So a seal walks into a club...

and was told you've got to be seated before you can order a drink.

[AndrewJB]

and was told you've got to be seated before you can order a drink.

You must have gone to Canada in the '70s. My father was horrified by the laws when we moved there back then. Things have changed now though - and my young adulthood was certainly never impeded by those laws.

[IanMcL]

What do you call an old European bloke wearing those thick pnats to soak up his urine?

Incontentinental

[Paul Waine]

You must have gone to Canada in the '70s. My father was horrified by the laws when we moved there back then. Things have changed now though - and my young adulthood was certainly never impeded by those laws.

Got a good friend in Toronto. Visited a few times, first time I got there was 1993. Aren't all the "offies" state owned/controlled, or has that now changed?

[Foshiznik]

Have you ever tried Chicken Tarka Marsala?

It's like Chicken Tikka, but a little 'otter.

[Braindead]

A narcissist, a racist, a bigot a fraud and a cheating husband walk in to a bar.

Barman says 'What you having Mr Trump'

[Foshiznik]

I said to the Baker, "how come all of your cakes are 50p and this one is £1?"

"Oh, that's Madeira cake."

[Foshiznik]

I pulled over to the side of the road and asked a man walking his dog on the pavement "I'm looking for a rubbish tip"

He said, "Rovers to win the league"

[Jimscho]

Have you ever tried Chicken Tarka Marsala?

It's like Chicken Tikka, but a little 'otter.

Thought it was ABC's centre back line up.

[Lancasterclaret]

Got a mate whose addicted to brake fluid.

Says he can stop anytime.

[piston broke]

Can't believe my son came home with 2 sofas & an armchair, told him a million times not to accept suites from strangers.

[ClaretCliff]

Thought it was ABC's centre back line up.

No chance - with Tarka in there it has to be ABC's midfield.

[BennyD]

You know you are getting old when you watch a hardcore porn film and think, f*ck me, that bed looks comfy.

[ClaretCanada]

My wife says I need glasses, I say a bottle was good enough for my Dad its good enough for me