Favourite comedy lines.

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IanMcL
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by IanMcL » Wed Nov 17, 2021 8:55 pm

FactualFrank wrote:
Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:53 pm
Hello FF. Good to have you back

Bosscat
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Bosscat » Wed Nov 17, 2021 9:26 pm

IanMcL wrote:
Wed Nov 17, 2021 8:55 pm
Hello FF. Good to have you back
Have you looked at the date of his post Ian buddy 🤭 someone resurrected the thread 😉
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LoveCurryPies
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by LoveCurryPies » Wed Nov 17, 2021 9:39 pm

Tommy Cooper was about to perform at a theatre but the power was out. The audience sat in the dark. Tommy walks into the stage, the audience hear his footsteps but can’t see him. He says nothing.

They start to giggle, and he still says nothing.

For 10 minutes he stands there. The audience in full laughter now. And then he speaks....

“It’s dark in here!”
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RalphCoatesComb
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by RalphCoatesComb » Wed Nov 17, 2021 9:58 pm

On leaving a boring party, Groucho Marx was asked by the hostess whether he'd enjoyed his evening. The reply was typically Groucho:

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it"

RalphCoatesComb
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by RalphCoatesComb » Wed Nov 17, 2021 10:02 pm

ClaretKent wrote:
Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:23 pm
Everything I want in a football club is here. The best way to put it is that this is probably five or 10 years ahead of what we were trying to achieve at Burnley
The funniest line on this thread :lol: :lol: :lol:

Herts Clarets
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Herts Clarets » Wed Nov 17, 2021 10:16 pm

Rik. Neil, do you need the light on when you are in the bath?
Neil. Well yeah
Rik. What you planning to do, photosynthesise

evensteadiereddie
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by evensteadiereddie » Wed Nov 17, 2021 10:20 pm

Brian Potter : "Two words, Jurry. Investment."

fidelcastro
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by fidelcastro » Wed Nov 17, 2021 10:33 pm

IanMcL wrote:
Wed Nov 17, 2021 8:55 pm
Hello FF. Good to have you back
Thankfully he's barred!

dermotdermot
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by dermotdermot » Wed Nov 17, 2021 11:20 pm

dermotdermot wrote:
Wed Nov 17, 2021 2:59 pm
Thank you, mods, for your subtle editing. As soon as I saw it in print I thought, hang on, but, instead of cancelling, I accidentally submitted. I did try to delete but was unable to do so. Very clever editing though.
I’ve just realised that it wasn’t edited at all. I wrote that myself nearly four years ago. I was obviously a lot more careful then.

IanMcL
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by IanMcL » Thu Nov 18, 2021 3:16 am

Bosscat wrote:
Wed Nov 17, 2021 9:26 pm
Have you looked at the date of his post Ian buddy 🤭 someone resurrected the thread 😉
Well that's funny!

Goobs
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Goobs » Thu Nov 18, 2021 7:31 am

They may say she died of a burst left ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart. - Abe Simpson

From this day forward I shall be known as Homer Jay Simpson. Homer J Simpson on discovering what the J stood for.

SalouClaret
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by SalouClaret » Thu Nov 18, 2021 8:02 am

A few from Family Guy that had me laughing this week:


Peter - "Men aren’t fat. Only fat women are fat.”



Lois - "Peter, I'm pregnant"
Peter - "Oh... Are you sure it's yours?"



Brian - "Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?"
Peter- "I’ll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that’s who."




Peter - "How can I be a DJ? I’m just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self-image."
Quagmire - "Trust me, you’re perfect!"

Hipper
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Hipper » Thu Nov 18, 2021 8:43 am

From Cheers, something like this:

Norm to Sam, on dating a women after many 'happy' years with the lovely Vera; 'have there been any new developments in women's under garments in recent years?'

Grimsdale
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Grimsdale » Thu Nov 18, 2021 9:03 am

A couple of Frank Drebin quotes from Police Squad:

"We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then''

and

"Who are you and how did you get in here?"
"I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith".

newchurchbfc
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by newchurchbfc » Thu Nov 18, 2021 10:31 am

They used to call me David Dick Meadow at school,from Cockfields good watch if you haven’t seen it.

Bordeauxclaret
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Bordeauxclaret » Thu Nov 18, 2021 12:35 pm

Lt. Frank Drebin : Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane Spencer : He's Caucasian.
Ed Hocken : Caucasian?
Jane Spencer : Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Lt. Frank Drebin : Awfully big moustache.



Mayor:
Drebin, I don't want any more trouble like you had last year on the southside. Understand? That's my policy.

Frank:
Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's my policy.

Mayor:
That was a Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar, you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones!

Bosscat
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Bosscat » Thu Nov 18, 2021 12:43 pm

https://youtu.be/UAeqVGP-GPM

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here!

This is the war room!

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Inchy
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Inchy » Thu Nov 18, 2021 12:52 pm

David Brent "i think there's been a rape up there!"
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Bosscat
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Bosscat » Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:01 pm

One of these days son all of this will be yours..

What ... the Curtains.

https://youtu.be/9lCIh2aCH_o

joey13
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by joey13 » Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:06 pm

Grimsdale wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 9:03 am
A couple of Frank Drebin quotes from Police Squad:

"We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then''

and

"Who are you and how did you get in here?"
"I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith".
“Nice Beaver” which to my credit I managed to use in a bar in France :)
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kaptin1
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by kaptin1 » Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:18 pm

“Blackburn Rovers 0-7 Fulham” had me in stitches
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Herts Clarets
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Herts Clarets » Thu Nov 18, 2021 2:19 pm

joey13 wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 1:06 pm
“Nice Beaver” which to my credit I managed to use in a bar in France :)
And i managed to squeeze in, from The Life of Brian, "20 Sheckels, you must be mad" when buying my son a small bongo drum from one of the bazaars in Jerusalem a few years back.
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RingoMcCartney
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by RingoMcCartney » Thu Nov 18, 2021 3:39 pm

"I prefer larger knickers. You can boil wash the gussets."

Lilly Savage.

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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by RingoMcCartney » Thu Nov 18, 2021 3:41 pm

Denise Royal, "mam , where were you when you met me dad?"

Jim Royal interupts, "I don't remember, but I bet the bloody immersion heater had been left on!"

RingoMcCartney
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by RingoMcCartney » Thu Nov 18, 2021 3:44 pm

claret59 wrote:
Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:21 am
Classic Les Dawson:
My wife has run off with the bloke next door, and I do miss him.
"Ive had 20 years of marital bliss. We've been married for over 40 but 20 of em have been pretty good to be honest"

Les Dawson.

LordBob
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by LordBob » Thu Nov 18, 2021 4:40 pm

A Dads Army episode 'The Day the Balloon went up' Mainwaring drags the platoon up to the church bell tower after the vicar claimed one of his men wrote something very rude on the back of his spare harmonium and in order to prove his men are innocent Mainwaring decides a hand writing test would satisfy the criteria. Now whatever was written leads you to believe it had some sexually explicit content and Mainwaring turns to Corporal Jones and says "have you done that" then the look on Jonesey's face was fantastic as he replied "do you mean recently" brilliant cast.
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AshevilleNCClaret
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by AshevilleNCClaret » Thu Nov 18, 2021 5:02 pm

From the Monty python argument sketch...

Man: I came here for a good argument.

Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.

Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.

Mr. Vibrating: It can be.

Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't.

Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.

Mr. Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'


Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is!

Man: No it isn't!

Shappie
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Shappie » Thu Nov 18, 2021 7:19 pm

Inchy wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 12:52 pm
David Brent "i think there's been a rape up there!"


I’ve got his attention

GET. THEIR. ATTENTION !
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iowalan
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by iowalan » Thu Nov 18, 2021 7:38 pm

Christmas special porridge 1975 Fletcher in hospital bed eating his christmas dinner after "foiling" a prison breakout ....an inebriated Mckay offers Fletcher a bottle of whiskey to tell him where the spoil from the tunnel went......Fletcher tells him that they dug another tunnel and put it in there ........Mckay turns away happily and then realises....classic porridge!

duncandisorderly
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by duncandisorderly » Thu Nov 18, 2021 9:01 pm

Inspector Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel clerk: No
*Inspector Clouseau pets the dog and gets bitten*
Inspector Clouseau: I thought you said your dog didn't bite!
Hotel clerk: That is not my dog.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXn2QVipK2o
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tiger76
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by tiger76 » Thu Nov 18, 2021 9:04 pm

A couple of OFAH lines that come to mind.

(Del & Trigger are trying to get into a council tip):

Del: You said it was open twenty four hours a day.

Trigger: Yeah, but not at night!

Rodney: I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.
Del: What principle?
Rodney: Well, on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.

Kiran123
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Kiran123 » Fri Dec 17, 2021 3:17 pm

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls

tiger76
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by tiger76 » Fri Dec 17, 2021 3:38 pm

iowalan wrote:
Thu Nov 18, 2021 7:38 pm
Christmas special porridge 1975 Fletcher in hospital bed eating his christmas dinner after "foiling" a prison breakout ....an inebriated Mckay offers Fletcher a bottle of whiskey to tell him where the spoil from the tunnel went......Fletcher tells him that they dug another tunnel and put it in there ........Mckay turns away happily and then realises....classic porridge!
There's probably loads from Porridge, but I can't recall them off the top of my head, however one which does stick in my mind is this quote by Fletch.

Fletch (to some of the inmates): "I don't quite know how to put this, gentlemen, but there is a thief among us".

Always has me in stitches no matter how many times I watch it.

Can't remember which episode It's from either, perhaps the one with the tin of pineapple chunks disappearing from the kitchen at a guess.

ElectroClaret
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by ElectroClaret » Fri Dec 17, 2021 4:48 pm

Groucho Marx , negotiating a contract with Chicho:
"It's OK, that's in every contract. Its called a sanity clause"
Chicho: "Ha ha! Now I know you're fooling...everyone knows there ain't no sanity clause."

Paddy1882
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Paddy1882 » Fri Dec 17, 2021 4:59 pm

Phoenix nights

“My grandads this, shot a German with this”
“What in the war?”
“No in Benidorm they had a row over a sun lounger”

Dougall
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Dougall » Fri Dec 17, 2021 5:00 pm

Peter Cook (interviewing one-legged job applicant, Dudley Moore for a job as a Runner):
"I've got nothing at all against your left leg....the trouble is - neither have you!"

Claretlad
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Claretlad » Fri Dec 17, 2021 9:04 pm

Tommy Cooper joke : man - "doctor why don't people seem to like me" ..doctor-"Next".

Dressinggown
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Dressinggown » Fri Dec 17, 2021 10:00 pm

It is so difficult to convey the humour when you need a full context of the situation. Most often, these have a 'backstory' and unless you are familiar with the characters or the story it gets lost in translation.
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Bop
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Bop » Fri Dec 17, 2021 11:26 pm

Sally Phillips: “Tosser?”

bfcjg
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by bfcjg » Fri Dec 17, 2021 11:48 pm

Father Ted to Dougal trying to explain perspective and distance holding a toy cow, small....far away.

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