From the Royal family.

"You want a snowball Twiggy?"

"Err no tar Barbara, can't stand that shite."

"Would you like some Advocaat then?"

"Aye go on then....can you stick some lemonade in please Barbara"

Good. So we're well on the way, then. " `a'; impersonal pronoun;
doesn't really mean anything." Right! Next: `A'... `A-B'.

(Baldrick and Prince ponder over this)

B: Well, it's a buzzing thing, isn't it. "A buzzing thing."

E: Baldrick, I mean something that starts with `A-B'.

B: Honey? Honey starts with a bee.

G: He's right, you know, Blackadder. Honey does start a bee...and a flower too

Guest: I’ll have the Waldorf salad.”

Fawlty: I’m sorry we’re out of waldorfs.

"I'll tell you what, that crack is really moreish“
Super Hans Peep Show.

Where’s the manuscript baldrick?

The manuscript?

Yes, the big papery thing tied up with string belonging to dr Johnson.

Dr Johnson?

Yes, the large batey fellow in the black cape.

So you’re asking where the large papery thing tied up with string, belonging to the large batey fellow in the black cape, is?

Yes. And if you don’t tell me, the then booted bony thing on the end of my leg, will soon connect sharply with the soft dangly collection of objects between your legs.

It’s on the fire.

The fire?

Yes. The hot orangey thing under the mantelpiece.

Must’ve watched this hundreds of times, and it STILL makes me chuckle. Surely the funniest comedy series ever made?

Apologies if slightly inaccurate, done from memory.

Some classic ones in this sketch.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcliR8kAbzc" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

"I'm playing all the right notes but not necessarily in the right order"

"No, fork handles, .....handles for forks"

Baldrick: Permission to ask a question, sir?
Blackadder: Permission granted, Baldrick. As long as it isn't the one about where babies come from.
Baldrick: No. The thing is, the way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, and there being a war came along. So, what I want to know is how did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?
Blackadder: Do you mean "How did the war start"?
Baldrick: Yeah.
George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building!
Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.
George: Oh... Oh no, sir! Absolutely not! [quietly to Baldrick] Mad as a bicycle!
Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
Blackadder: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Blackadder: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.
George: By Gum, this is interesting! I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives and all that!
Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent a war in Europe, two super blocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side; and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast, opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.
Baldrick: Except, well, this is sort of a war, isn't it?
Blackadder: That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.
George: Oh, what was that?
Blackadder: It was ********.
Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing!

Longsidebovril wrote:Good. So we're well on the way, then. " `a'; impersonal pronoun;
doesn't really mean anything." Right! Next: `A'... `A-B'.

(Baldrick and Prince ponder over this)

B: Well, it's a buzzing thing, isn't it. "A buzzing thing."

E: Baldrick, I mean something that starts with `A-B'.

B: Honey? Honey starts with a bee.

G: He's right, you know, Blackadder. Honey does start a bee...and a flower too

B: I have done "C" Mr Blackadder, big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in "

Get back yer ******* or I'll break yer legs ......

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine"

Spike Milligan

Soap.
Billy Crystal explaining to Jessica that he's gay says "Plato was gay"
Jessica after looking totally bewildered replies, "Mickey Mouses dog was gay"

General Melchett

I'm in love with Georgina, Blackadder. I'm going to marry her on Saturday, and I want
you to be my best man.

Blackadder

I don't think that would be a very good idea, Sir.

General Melchett

Why not ?

Blackadder

Because, there is something wrong with your fiancé, Sir.

General Melchett

Oh my god, she's not welsh is she ?

“Can she have wafer thin ham, Barbara?”

And every time....

Grandad, coming down the stairs...

“Everything alright Del?”

g

A COBWEB

The royal family

Jim, Anthony and Dave watching TFI Friday presented by Chris Evans.

Dave - "That Evans one must be worth a bob or two"

Anthony - "too right he is! He's a multi millionaire, married to a girl half his age and he's got a personal collection of Ferraris!"

Jim - "yeah, but has still got a pair of ginger b***cks though!"......

From the Simpsons
Marge:
Homer, you do remember your promise to the children?
Homer:
Sure do. When you're eighteen, you're out the door!

Two Ronnies.

Four Candles

Caernarfon_Claret wrote:Baldrick: Permission to ask a question, sir?
Blackadder: Permission granted, Baldrick. As long as it isn't the one about where babies come from.
Baldrick: No. The thing is, the way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, and there being a war came along. So, what I want to know is how did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?
Blackadder: Do you mean "How did the war start"?
Baldrick: Yeah.
George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-building!
Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.
George: Oh... Oh no, sir! Absolutely not! [quietly to Baldrick] Mad as a bicycle!
Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
Blackadder: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Blackadder: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.
George: By Gum, this is interesting! I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives and all that!
Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent a war in Europe, two super blocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side; and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast, opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.
Baldrick: Except, well, this is sort of a war, isn't it?
Blackadder: That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.
George: Oh, what was that?
Blackadder: It was ********.
Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing!

https://youtu.be/7DoM3sWkgfU" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Brilliant Blackadder!!

George: I spy with my little eye (he looks behind his shoulder and sees a
mug) something beginning with `M'.

Baldrick: Erm...

George: (encouraging) MMM...

Baldrick: Erm...

George: (encouraging) MMM... (he bobs his head down to within inches of the
mug a few times)

Baldrick: Mmm...

(this carries on for a while)

George: MMMuh... (he picks up the mug and holds it in front of him)

Baldrick: Mmm...

Edmund: (wishing he could read his book in peace; can't stand this carrying
on any longer; shouts) MUG!!!

George: Oh, I say, well done, sir. Your turn.

Edmund: I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with `T'.

Baldrick: Breakfast!

Edmund: What?

Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea, and I have a little sausage,
and a egg with some little soldiers.

Edmund: Baldrick, when I said it begins with `T', I was talking about a letter.

Baldrick: Nah, it never begins with a letter; the postman don't come 'til
10.30.

Edmund: I can't go on with this. (stands) George, take over.

George: All right, sir. Erm, I spy with my litle eye something beginning
with `R'.

Baldrick: (raises his arm, even though he's the only one playing now) Army!

Edmund: For God's sake, Baldrick! `Army' starts with an `A'. He's looking for
something that starts with an `R'. RRRrrrrr!

Baldrick: Motorbike!

Edmund: What?

Baldrick: A motorbike starts with a `RRRRRrrrrrrrrrm! RRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr--'

Edmund: All right, right, right, right. My turn again. What begins with `Come
here' and ends with `Ow'?

Baldrick: I don't know.

Edmund: Come here.

(Baldrick moves closer to Edmund; Edmund punches Baldrick in the face)

Baldrick: Ow! (falls to the ground)

Edmund: Well done.

George: No (laughs), I don't think you've quite got the hang of this
game, to be honest, sir. I tell you what, let's try another one.
Erm, I hear with my little ear, er, something beginning with
`B'.

Edmund: What?

George: Bomb.

Edmund: I can't hear a bomb.

George: Listen very carefully.

(a bomb approaching whistle is heard)

Edmund: Ah yes.

(The bomb explodes)
https://youtu.be/7S10_xvR_8Y" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


Edmund: Oh, no, the bloody Russians have pulled out of the war.
George: Well, we soon saw them off, didn't we sir? Miserable slant-eyed, sausage-eating swine.
Edmund:The Russians are on "our" side, George.
George: Are they? Edmund: And they've abandoned the eastern front.
Baldrick: And they've overthrown Nicholas II who used to be bizarre.
Edmund: Who used to be "the" czar, Baldrick.
https://youtu.be/4O3U2w52msQ" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

DINNERLADIES:

Clint's mum: I've got high blood pressure and water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Bren: Boiling water?

BLACKADDER:

Blackadder: Your brain is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.

Longsidebovril wrote:g

A COBWEB

Peter is a timid and inept economics correspondent who appears on the big screen reporting from around the world. He always ends up being insulted by Chris, albeit justifiably.

Chris Morris: A week of foul-tempered debate in Europe ended this afternoon as finance ministers agreed new quota rates for trade with the United States. In Brussels is our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan - Peter, what is the new rate?
Peter: It's 30 percent, Chris. Agreement was a long time coming, but in the end the decision was unanimous.
Chris: What was the Germans' reaction, because they've been holding out for 40 percent, haven't they?
Peter: That's right. When I spoke to finance minister Reinhardt earlier today, he said he didn't like the deal, but he had to go along with it.
Chris: Really? You spoke to him yourself, you managed to pin him down? He's a pretty tricky man, isn't he?
Peter: That's right.
Chris: Where did you get hold of him?
Peter: He was in the hotel.
Chris: And you conducted a conversation with him about the quota rates?
Peter: That's right - he said he didn't like it, but he had to go along with it.
Chris: What language did you conduct this conversation in, Peter?
Peter: ...German.
Chris: You spoke to him about the technicalities of the deal in German?
Peter: Yes.
Chris: So what's the German for 30 percent?
Peter: Trenter percenter.
Chris: Dreißig prozent?
Peter: Yes.
Chris: And what about that quote you attributed to him, "I don't like it but I'll have to go along with it"?
Peter: That's what he said.
Chris: How did he say it?
Peter: I don't like it, but I'll have to go along with it.
Chris: In German, how did he say it?
Peter: Ich nichten lichten...
Chris: Presumably you mean "Rufen Sie ein Taxi bitte sonst verpass' ich meinen Flug"?
Peter: Yes.
Chris: No you don't, Peter, because that means "Get me a taxi; I'm late for my plane". Now I'm going to ask you a question - did you speak to the German finance minister about the new deal this afternoon?
Peter: ...no.
Chris: And what was his reaction?
Peter: I don't know.
Chris: Peter, thank you.

Porridge-Heartbreak Hotel.

MacKay: No Doubt Fletcher,your wife tells your friends that you're on a 5 year safari
Fletcher: No,She tells them I'm doing missionary work in Scotland.

Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

Love this from not the nine o clock news:


[a scientist is being interviewed about his project to communicate with a gorilla sitting next to him]

Interviewer: Professor, can Gerald really speak as we would understand it?

Prof. Timothy Fielding: Oh yes, yes. He can speak a few actual words. Of course it was extremely difficult to get him even to this stage. When I first captured Gerald in the Congo, '67 I think it was...

Gerald, the Gorilla: '68

Prof. Timothy Fielding: '68. Umm... there was an awful lot of work to do. He was enormously slow and difficult. I had to do a lot of work with him on a sort of one-to-one basis...

Gerald, the Gorilla: [interrupting] Yes, yes, if I might just butt at this point Tim, I think I should point out that I have done a considerable amount of work on this project myself and if I may say so your teaching methods do leave a bit to be desired...

Prof. Timothy Fielding: That's a bit ungrateful, isn't it?

Gerald, the Gorilla: ...and your diction for instance...

Prof. Timothy Fielding: I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Can I put this into some sort of perspective? When I caught Gerald in '68 he was completely wild.

Gerald, the Gorilla: Wild? I was absolutely livid!

Brian Potter: What's the matter with you, man?
Jerry St Clair: What's the matter with me? I'll tell you what's the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I'm stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t'jumble. I've been rolled round t'car park all day dressed as a hernia and I've got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.
Brian Potter: Rubber Burns? Weren't he a Scottish poet?

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Bob Newhart

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. Jack Benny
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/jack_benny_141756" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. W. C. Fields
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/w_c_fields_102024" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

One for our sheep bothering friends:

Michael: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.

Graham: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier, eh Josiah?

Terry J: You're right there Obediah.

Eric: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Chateau de Chassilier?

Michael: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.

Graham: A cup o' COLD tea.

Eric: Without milk or sugar.

Terry J: OR tea!

Michael: In a cracked cup, and all.

Eric: We never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

Graham: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

Terry J: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.

Michael: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness."

Eric: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to live in this tiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.

Graham: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the floor was missing and we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of FALLING!

Terry J: You were lucky to have a ROOM! We used to have to live in a corridor!

Michael: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.

Eric: Well when I say "house" it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpolin, it was a house to US.

Graham: We were evicted from our hole in the ground; we had to go and live in a lake!

Terry J: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and fifty of us living in a s_____x in the middle of the road.

Michael: Cardboard box?

Terry J: Aye.

Michael: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down the mill for fourteen hours a day week in week out, for sixpence a week. When we got home, out Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

Graham: Luxury! We used to have to get out of the lake at six o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, work twenty hour a day at the mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were LUCKY!

Terry J: Well of course, we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the s_____x at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had half two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.

Eric: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our Mother would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing "Hallelujah."

Michael: And you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.

All: They won't..

And we were LUCKY!

So Centurion. You find something amusing when I mention my friend, Bigus Dickus?

He has a wife you know. Her name is Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks.

Infamy infamy, they've all got it in for me


Look kids; Parliament, Big Ben

Trigger, Del, Rodders, Sid and Boycie chating in Sid's cafe. Trigger has just been presented with an award for saving the council money.

Trigger: And that's what I've done. Maintained it for 20 years. This old brooms had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.
Sid: How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then?
Trigger:Theres the picture. What more proof do you need?

Groucho Marx on leaving a party:

“Well I’ve had a good time, but this wasn’t it”

Lethal weapon 4

'Uncle' Benny Chan the Chinese gangster boss eating a meal in his office.

Riggs, pointing to his plate, 'Flied Lice?'

Chan responds. 'iI's Fried Rice, you Plick!'

Gets me every time.

Phoenix nights-

"How far away are they!?"

Blackadder: (holding potato) I mean, what is this?
Baldrick: I’m surprised you’ve forgotten my lord.
Blackadder: I haven’t forgotten, it’s a rhetorical question.
Baldrick: No it’s not. It’s a potato.

Blackadder-

Nursie: Another good idea!? You’re so clever today, you’d better make sure your foot doesn’t fall off!
Queenie: Is that what happens when you have good ideas? Your foot falls off.
Nursie: Oh yes! My brother had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off!

"Don't tell him Pike"

"Fuzzy wuzzy was a woman?"

Venkatesh Rao

""We are in this game for the long haul, and, and we will work passionately for the betterment of the club. We are committed to the game of football, to the players, and the fans. We shall leave no stone unturned to make them feel delighted."

Balaji Rao
"We want good football and Blackburn to be fourth of fifth in the league or even better. The fans should trust us because this is in the best interests of the club."

but my favourite of all|

Venkys
"Venkys trying hard to get Ronaldinho for 2 years contract. Offered 7.2 million euros as salary per year to Mr. Assis"

FactualFrank wrote:Trigger, Del, Rodders, Sid and Boycie chating in Sid's cafe. Trigger has just been presented with an award for saving the council money.

Trigger: And that's what I've done. Maintained it for 20 years. This old brooms had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.
Sid: How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then?
Trigger:Theres the picture. What more proof do you need?

John Sullivan probably got the idea for that gag off Roy Clarke.

https://youtu.be/hBsrBAfXGxE" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

13mins-14.30mins

https://youtu.be/eOjgNp80238" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Another two Ronnies classic:

"It's an Argentinian racing pigeon"

https://youtu.be/pj0_Ps5c08I" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

From one of my favourite films 'Planes, Trains and Automobiles' which I watched again last night to help lighten the mood after Leicester.

Arguing about what annoys them about the other, John Candy accuses Steve Martin of playing with his balls a lot.
Later in the conversation, Martin asks "You know what would make me happy?" to which Candy replies "another set of balls and some extra fingers?"

Stop trying to be a clock. You haven't got the face for it.
Peter Griffin, Family Guy, last Monday.

Popeye as he is being battered by Bluto, "....your killing me too death!"

Trigger: "If it's a girl they're calling her Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him Rodney after Dave"

"he's not going to sell much ice cream driving at that speed is he?"

"how do you feel about basques?"

"well I suppose they're alright when they aren't blowing up car parks..."