A bit of fun to lift the tone
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A bit of fun to lift the tone
These 11 users liked this post: Bosscat randomclaret2 Vintage Claret Lancasterclaret The Enclosure Dazzler moaninclaret Healeywoodclaret atlantalad Colburn_Claret tim_noone
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Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
Showed my wife a photo I had taken with a well known band.
She said "Wow, is that really you with REM?"
I said "yes, that"s me in the corner"
She said "Wow, is that really you with REM?"
I said "yes, that"s me in the corner"
These 2 users liked this post: Bosscat randomclaret2
Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
Just got myself a part time job doing market research polls.
My 1st assignment was to ask 100 women about what shampoo they used when having a shower.
30% said Garnier
25% said Head and Shoulders.
18% said Fructis
The remaining 27% said “AGGGGGGH HOW DID YOU GET IN MY BLOODY SHOWER
My 1st assignment was to ask 100 women about what shampoo they used when having a shower.
30% said Garnier
25% said Head and Shoulders.
18% said Fructis
The remaining 27% said “AGGGGGGH HOW DID YOU GET IN MY BLOODY SHOWER
These 4 users liked this post: DomBFC1882 Vintage Claret Tread Warily Tread Warily
Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
Went to the doctors for a check up as I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food colouring. After a full check the doctor said I was fine, to which I replied are you sure doc? I feel like a part of me has dyed inside.
This user liked this post: Chip Harrison
Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
2 men are out in the woods on a Camping,
Hunting, Shooting and Fishing trip.
On the 3rd day one of them falls to the ground
clutching his chest. His eyes roll back into his
head.
His friend not knowing what to do, gets his mobile Phone, and finding he does have a signal dials 999.
He explains to the operator “I think my friend
has had a heart attack and is dead”
“You need to do some checks” says the calm unruffled voice of the operator.
“So what should I do 1st” he asks.
The operator explains in a soft voice not wanting to panic the caller “look you need to take it easy, we need to make sure if your friend on the ground is actually dead.
There was a short silence and then “BOOM”
“OK .... Now what”
Hunting, Shooting and Fishing trip.
On the 3rd day one of them falls to the ground
clutching his chest. His eyes roll back into his
head.
His friend not knowing what to do, gets his mobile Phone, and finding he does have a signal dials 999.
He explains to the operator “I think my friend
has had a heart attack and is dead”
“You need to do some checks” says the calm unruffled voice of the operator.
“So what should I do 1st” he asks.
The operator explains in a soft voice not wanting to panic the caller “look you need to take it easy, we need to make sure if your friend on the ground is actually dead.
There was a short silence and then “BOOM”
“OK .... Now what”
These 2 users liked this post: randomclaret2 Healeywoodclaret
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Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
'A divorce', she said.
'I wasn't thinking of spending that much' I replied.
'A divorce', she said.
'I wasn't thinking of spending that much' I replied.
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Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
"Doctor, Doctor I feel like a cricket ball"
"Hows That"
"Hows That"
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Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
I just installed a lovely rooflight at home.
The people in the flat above are not best pleased.
The people in the flat above are not best pleased.
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Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
Ah.. a Steven Wright joke if I'm not mistaken HB?houseboy wrote:I just installed a lovely rooflight at home.
The people in the flat above are not best pleased.
Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you."
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you."
In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.
The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me"
The parrot replied, "Yes."
Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"
The parrot said, "Clarence."
The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named that huge rottweiler Jesús."
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you."
In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.
The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me"
The parrot replied, "Yes."
Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"
The parrot said, "Clarence."
The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named that huge rottweiler Jesús."
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Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
Absolutely spot on mate. His stuff is unmistakeable if you know his work.South West Claret. wrote:Ah.. a Steven Wright joke if I'm not mistaken HB?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
50% of people you know are below average.
And one of my favourites: 99% of lawyers give the others a bad name.
Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
A man rushes his rather poorly dog to the vet's.
The Vet pronounces the dog dead.
The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat.
The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador.
The lab sniffs the body and barks.
The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns himself to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650." "£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
The Vet pronounces the dog dead.
The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat.
The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador.
The lab sniffs the body and barks.
The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns himself to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650." "£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
5 out 4 school children have a problem with Maths!houseboy wrote:Absolutely spot on mate. His stuff is unmistakeable if you know his work.
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
50% of people you know are below average.
And one of my favourites: 99% of lawyers give the others a bad name.
What does an occasional table do for the rest of the time?
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Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.Bosscat wrote:5 out 4 school children have a problem with Maths!
What does an occasional table do for the rest of the time?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
The list is endless (almost).
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Re: A bit of fun to lift the tone
How do you shop for camouflage clothing ?
Why is little weed green ? - 'cos Bill and Ben flobalot !!!
What's brown and sounds like a bell ? - Dunnnnng !!
Why is little weed green ? - 'cos Bill and Ben flobalot !!!
What's brown and sounds like a bell ? - Dunnnnng !!