Showed my wife a photo I had taken with a well known band.
She said "Wow, is that really you with REM?"
I said "yes, that"s me in the corner"

Just got myself a part time job doing market research polls.

My 1st assignment was to ask 100 women about what shampoo they used when having a shower.

30% said Garnier
25% said Head and Shoulders.
18% said Fructis
The remaining 27% said “AGGGGGGH HOW DID YOU GET IN MY BLOODY SHOWER

Went to the doctors for a check up as I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food colouring. After a full check the doctor said I was fine, to which I replied are you sure doc? I feel like a part of me has dyed inside.

2 men are out in the woods on a Camping,
Hunting, Shooting and Fishing trip.
On the 3rd day one of them falls to the ground
clutching his chest. His eyes roll back into his
head.
His friend not knowing what to do, gets his mobile Phone, and finding he does have a signal dials 999.
He explains to the operator “I think my friend
has had a heart attack and is dead”
“You need to do some checks” says the calm unruffled voice of the operator.
“So what should I do 1st” he asks.
The operator explains in a soft voice not wanting to panic the caller “look you need to take it easy, we need to make sure if your friend on the ground is actually dead.
There was a short silence and then “BOOM”
“OK .... Now what”

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
'A divorce', she said.
'I wasn't thinking of spending that much' I replied.

"Doctor, Doctor I feel like a cricket ball"

"Hows That"

I just installed a lovely rooflight at home.

The people in the flat above are not best pleased.

houseboy wrote:I just installed a lovely rooflight at home.

The people in the flat above are not best pleased.

Ah.. a Steven Wright joke if I'm not mistaken HB?

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you."
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you."
In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.
The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me"
The parrot replied, "Yes."
Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"
The parrot said, "Clarence."
The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named that huge rottweiler Jesús."

South West Claret. wrote:Ah.. a Steven Wright joke if I'm not mistaken HB?

Absolutely spot on mate. His stuff is unmistakeable if you know his work.

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

50% of people you know are below average.

And one of my favourites: 99% of lawyers give the others a bad name.

A man rushes his rather poorly dog to the vet's.
The Vet pronounces the dog dead.
The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat.
The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador.
The lab sniffs the body and barks.
The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns himself to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650." "£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

houseboy wrote:Absolutely spot on mate. His stuff is unmistakeable if you know his work.

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

50% of people you know are below average.

And one of my favourites: 99% of lawyers give the others a bad name.

5 out 4 school children have a problem with Maths!

What does an occasional table do for the rest of the time?

Bosscat wrote:5 out 4 school children have a problem with Maths!

What does an occasional table do for the rest of the time?

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

The list is endless (almost).

How do you shop for camouflage clothing ?

Why is little weed green ? - 'cos Bill and Ben flobalot !!!

What's brown and sounds like a bell ? - Dunnnnng !!