Good jokes

chekhov · Post by **chekhov** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 6:44 pm

Did you hear about the burglary at the Birds Eye factory?
A man has been remanded in custard.

Conroy92 · Post by **Conroy92** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 6:47 pm

Paddy and Mick sat in a helicopter and as they cruise along paddy turns to mick and says "if we flew upside down would we fall out?" Mick looks at paddy replies "no paddy, we'd still be friends"

steve_f · Post by **steve_f** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 7:11 pm

I’ve been sleeping with a blind woman lately
The sex is great but it isn’t easy getting her husbands voice right

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 7:17 pm

I was going to make a joke about Sodium and Hydrogen, but NaH.

Bosscat · Post by **Bosscat** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 7:30 pm

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Bosscat · Post by **Bosscat** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 7:32 pm

A man goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”

“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”

Bop · Post by **Bop** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 7:36 pm

My wife’s left me because of my fetish for touching pasta. She’s only just gone and I’m already feeling cannelloni.

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 7:40 pm

Bop wrote:My wife’s left me because of my fetish for touching pasta. She’s only just gone and I’m already feeling cannelloni.

I failed my pasta exam after initially being so confident. I just made a fusilli mistakes.

piston broke · Post by **piston broke** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 7:44 pm

Fell asleep at a party and some goon popped a teabag in my mouth.
I went mental. Nobody takes me for a mug.

Zom Zom · Post by **Zom Zom** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 8:32 pm

spadesclaret wrote:At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

I logged in just to 'like' this spades. Very good.

dougcollins · Post by **dougcollins** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 8:50 pm

How many folks singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nine - one to change the bulb, and eight to sing about how good the old one was.

spadesclaret · Post by **spadesclaret** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 9:09 pm

A lady in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits and toys.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long".

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and l we'll be out of here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley.

Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little swine’s name is Peter".

dougcollins · Post by **dougcollins** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 9:23 pm

Shamelessy purloined from Viz:

HMRC wrote to me to tell me my tax return was 'outstanding'.
It's very kind of them, but I don't even recall sending it in.

Long Time Lurker · Post by **Long Time Lurker** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 10:40 pm

Bosscat wrote:

Leaving drinking vessels about the place can cause accidents. If have a large number of mugs you need a mug stand.

mdd2 · Post by **mdd2** » Fri Jan 18, 2019 11:58 pm

dougcollins wrote:How many folks singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nine - one to change the bulb, and eight to sing about how good the old one was.

On a similar thread
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, a support group is formed for people living in darkness!!!!

conyoviejo · Post by **conyoviejo** » Wed Feb 06, 2019 5:48 pm

A teacher in Blackburn asked the class what team they support. All the kids bar one shouted Rovers. The teacher askd the one lad who he supports and he said Thee Mighty Clarets Burnley FC!!!. Oh and why Burnley? she said. He said because my mum & dad support Burnley of course. Teacher trying to teach says to him that he doesn't have to be what other people want him to be and there was no need to copy his parents. She went on to preach to him that he wouldn't copy his parents if his mother was a prostitute and his dad was a yellow toothed smack head. He looked piuzzled at her as if she was stupid and said well miss if that were so it'd make me a Blackburn fan wouldnt it like the rest of you scruffy b@stards..

gsyclaret · Post by **gsyclaret** » Wed Feb 06, 2019 5:56 pm

Bloke says to his mate, why do divers fall backwards off the boat, mate says, well if they fell forwards they would be still in it

pushpinpussy · Post by **pushpinpussy** » Wed Feb 06, 2019 6:05 pm

I was at an interview for a new job this morning.

The interviewer asked. “Why should I give you the job of Reverse Psychologist?”

“You shouldn’t”. I replied.

He said “When can you start?”

bfcmartin · Post by **bfcmartin** » Wed Feb 06, 2019 6:27 pm

A boy was looking at some dirty magazines when a priest walked by and saw him crying "whats the matter" asked the priest "my mum told me I would turn to stone if I looked at magazines like this and i think it's started"

LordBob · Post by **LordBob** » Wed Feb 06, 2019 6:41 pm

Saw an ad in The Jewish Times this week a circumcision surgeon is required in Manchester it's not a bad job £900 a week plus tips.

Goobs · Post by **Goobs** » Fri Feb 08, 2019 9:44 am

these pasta jokes need to stop otherwise I'ma gonna rigatoni anda ask him to delete the thread.

Hipper · Post by **Hipper** » Fri Feb 08, 2019 1:59 pm

Holmes and Watson were investigating possible fraud at a green grocers. Watson had looked over the books but found nothing wrong. Holmes then went to look at the accounts and cried 'that's it'.

'What is it Holmes?', asked Watson.

'Lemon entry, my dear Watson, lemon entry'.

Tricky Trevor · Post by **Tricky Trevor** » Fri Feb 08, 2019 7:03 pm

The magician on the Titanic had a parrot but every time he did a trick the parrot would ruin it, “It’s up his sleeve” or “it’s in his pocket.”
When the Titanic goes down they end up sat together on a door drifting around. After a while the parrot pipes up, “OK, you’ve got me. Where’s the ship?”

conyoviejo · Post by **conyoviejo** » Tue Feb 12, 2019 2:51 pm

Blackburn Rovers have just turned down a massive £400 Million deal with a leading dog food manufacturer .....

A spokesman from the EFL said having “Winalot” across the players shirts would be taking the ****!

Hendrickxz · Post by **Hendrickxz** » Tue Feb 12, 2019 3:36 pm

Chinese lad to his mum: These sweets are Haribo.
Mum: You don ave to eat em!

Vintage Claret · Post by **Vintage Claret** » Tue Feb 12, 2019 3:46 pm

I downloaded a copy of the film 'Bohemian Rhapsody' from the internet recently.

I think it was secretly filmed in a cinema because every now and then I see a little silhouette of a man..

wilks_bfc · Post by **wilks_bfc** » Tue Feb 12, 2019 4:29 pm

Vintage Claret wrote:I downloaded a copy of the film 'Bohemian Rhapsody' from the internet recently.

I think it was secretly filmed in a cinema because every now and then I see a little silhouette of a man..

I’m stealing that one

conyoviejo · Post by **conyoviejo** » Tue Feb 12, 2019 8:27 pm

: image.jpeg (73.63 KiB) Viewed 4414 times

Grimsdale · Post by **Grimsdale** » Fri Feb 15, 2019 7:13 pm

A Group of blokes, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the barstaff had big breasts and wore short skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the barstaff were attractive, the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been.

IanMcL · Post by **IanMcL** » Fri Feb 15, 2019 9:23 pm

Farmer has a simple son, who has, at last, found a girlfriend and wants to marry.

Farmer asks his son if he was taught about the birds and bees at school. No dad, came the reply.

Farmer explains the principle and then says, see that tree over thar boy? Go and stick your todger in that big hole and hump.

The simple son spent the afternoon practising on the tree. Farmer asked him if it went well. Yes came the reply but it stings a lot. That's to be expected son, the first time.

The wedding went well and the couple retired for their wedding night.

The Farmer was keen to know his simple son had grasped how to satisfy his wife. He climbed up a ladder and peered in the bedroom window.

His daughter in law was naked on the bed. However, his son had a broom in his hands and was ramming it up and down, inside the poor girl.

The Farmer banged on the window and the son opened up.

What are you doing son?

Oim making sure there are no bees up there, this time dad!.

Tricky Trevor · Post by **Tricky Trevor** » Mon Feb 18, 2019 1:16 pm

Just got this on FB. Had to share.

: E4B88C85-2CA1-4942-9CE7-85DC4D67CAC8.jpeg (182.31 KiB) Viewed 4084 times

Sutton-Claret · Post by **Sutton-Claret** » Mon Feb 18, 2019 1:27 pm

Taffy on the wing wrote:A man in a Chinese restaurant
"excuse me waiter, but this chicken is rubbery"
waiter replies..."Oh thank you very much sir, thank you very much"

Steady on.. or there'll be a snowflake along to explain how racist that joke is

Imploding Turtle · Post by **Imploding Turtle** » Mon Feb 18, 2019 1:51 pm

Sutton-Claret wrote:Steady on.. or there'll be a snowflake along to explain how racist that joke is

Not your best effort. I'll give you a little bit of time to figure out why. How long is enough? A month? Literally a full month?

bfccrazy · Post by **bfccrazy** » Tue Feb 19, 2019 12:20 am

A guy walks into a bar. Sitting In the corner there was a man with an orange for a head.
So the guy goes up to the bar and asks the barman,
“Who is that man over there and why has he got an orange for a head?”
The barman says “I don’t know, why don’t you go and ask him?”
So the guy buys two pints of beer and goes over to the man with an orange for a head and says
“Excuse me mate, do you mind if I join you? “ and passes him a pint.
The man with the orange for a head says “sure sit down, the more the merrier.”
So the guy sits down and says
“I’m really sorry but I have to ask you, how come you’ve got an orange for a head?”
And the man with the orange for a head says
“I thought you were gonna ask me that. Well it all started off in the summer time. I went to Cleethorpes for the day and went on the beach. The weather was lovely, the sea was warm. I was building a massive sand castle when I struck something hard in the sand. I dug down a bit, and lo and behold I found a weird lamp In the sand. So I dug it out, held it up to the sun, and gave it a bit of a rub with my towel. And you’ll never guess what happened...”
The guy says “Oh yeah, I bet a magical genie popped out!” And laughed.
The man with an orange for a head says
“ Yes, I’m deadly serious. That’s what happened. And the genie reared up on his hind legs and hereby granted me three wishes there and then.”
“Hahaha. Brilliant!” Said the guy. “So what was your first wish?”
“Well,” said the man with and orange for a head, “my first wish was that every morning I would wake up, and there would be a brand new £100K supercar on my drive waiting to be thrashed up hill and down dale.”
“Good choice,” says the guy, “and did it work?”
“Oh God yeah” says the man with an orange for a head. “I’m absolutely exhausted. Every morning I wake up, and there it is. The latest petrol guzzling, Migraine inducing hypercar brimmed with fuel ready for a good thrashing. I’ve already nearly lost my licence several times over. ”
“Awesome.” Says the guy, “so what was your second wish?”
“Well,” says the man with an orange for a head, “my second wish was that every morning, I’d wake up and there would be a million quid in cash on my bedroom floor waiting to be spent.”
“Wow” says the guy. “And did it work?”
“Oh God yeah.” Says the man with an orange for a head. “Every morning, I wake up and there’s a huge pile of bank notes lying on my bedroom floor. I’m running out of space to put it all, I literally can’t spend it fast enough. “
“Oh my god” says the guy “that is truly astounding. So then, what was your third wish?”
“Well,” say the man with an orange for a head. “My third wish was, I wished that I had an orange for a head....”

hampsteadclaret · Post by **hampsteadclaret** » Sat Mar 09, 2019 10:14 pm

Husband pinches his wife's breasts and says.
''If we firm these up we can get rid of the bra''..

Wife grabs his penis and says.
''If we firm this up, we can get rid of the milkman!''

karatekid · Post by **karatekid** » Sat Apr 27, 2019 3:03 pm

Bfc · Post by **Bfc** » Sat Apr 27, 2019 5:50 pm

The Pope was in Liverpool and on leaving the cathedral a scouser ran up and asked him if he could help with his hearing. The Pope cupped his hands around the mans ears, said a prayer, then asked the man if hearing had improved. The man said No, I meant my court hearing.

South West Claret. · Post by **South West Claret.** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:02 am

I once asked a bloke in the Royal Navy why they shout "ahoy" he said well it's better then ''Hello sailor''

CBT · Post by **CBT** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:21 am

What's the most Popular dentist appointment time

Two thirty

Dyched · Post by **Dyched** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 10:24 am

What time does Andy Murray go to bed

Tennish

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 10:34 am

I was on a date with this gorgeous girl last night.
Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just had dinner, saw a movie and then the plane landed.

Dyched · Post by **Dyched** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 10:37 am

FactualFrank wrote:I was on a date with this gorgeous girl last night.
Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just had dinner, saw a movie and then the plane landed.

I’ve taken a lot of flights alone and wondered if I’d be next to nice girl. Always get some fat bloke who takes up half my seat, eats like a pig and doesn’t shut up aboit ******* comics.

Imploding Turtle · Post by **Imploding Turtle** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 1:16 pm

Dyched wrote:I’ve taken a lot of flights alone and wondered if I’d be next to nice girl. Always get some fat bloke who takes up half my seat, eats like a pig and doesn’t shut up aboit ******* comics.

Didn't say any of that to my face though, did you?

Dyched · Post by **Dyched** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 1:19 pm

Imploding Turtle wrote:Didn't say any of that to my face though, did you?

Turtle my mate, had I known it was you I’d have got the champers in!! We could have had a reyt good chinwag

joey13 · Post by **joey13** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 1:21 pm

Never use Beefstew as a password , it’s just not stroganoff

joey13 · Post by **joey13** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 1:24 pm

Two clowns with 4 kids got divorced . Big custody battle

joey13 · Post by **joey13** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 1:25 pm

Went to my premature ejaculation meeting this morning ,turns out it’s tomorrow

MACCA · Post by **MACCA** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 1:32 pm

Never make fun of a dyslexic dwarf, it's not big and it's not clever!

In fact come to mention it, my dwarf mate has just lost his job, and he's struggling to put food on the table... 2 major problems on his small shoulders.

He really is struggling, he's been to several interviews since losing his job, the most recent he got asked

Can you perform under pressure well?
He said it's a bit scratchy, but I can do a mean Bohemian Rhapsody...

He's going on a short break to cheer himself up.

I'll keep you updated.

3 for the price of 1.

Gerry Hattrick · Post by **Gerry Hattrick** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 2:04 pm

Two guys driving through Wales passed the sign saying they were entering Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and started arguing about how it should be pronounced. They were still at it when they parked up on the main street and went for a bite to eat.
As they went to up to order one asked the lass behind the counter, "Could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce slowly where we are?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, " Yoouurr in Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing, Llanfair P.G."

dsr · Post by **dsr** » Fri Jul 19, 2019 2:23 pm

Gerry Hattrick wrote:Two guys driving through Wales passed the sign saying they were entering Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and started arguing about how it should be pronounced. They were still at it when they parked up on the main street and went for a bite to eat.
As they went to up to order one asked the lass behind the counter, "Could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce slowly where we are?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, " Yoouurr in Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing, Llanfair P.G."

Not a joke, but my satnav told me last week, in Ireland, to turn onto a road called Muckanaghederdauhaulia. I wonder how often people living on there have to spell their address.