Good jokes

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theroyaldyche
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Re: Good jokes

Post by theroyaldyche » Fri Jul 19, 2019 2:23 pm

http://viz.co.uk/category/advert/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

theroyaldyche
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Re: Good jokes

Post by theroyaldyche » Fri Jul 19, 2019 2:42 pm

http://viz.co.uk/category/letterbocks/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Pstotto
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Pstotto » Fri Jul 19, 2019 8:01 pm

I'm up in court next week... I've been charged with impersonating an undercover police officer. :-)
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Pstotto
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Pstotto » Fri Jul 19, 2019 8:08 pm

... Where I did knowingly wear a Jack Wills sweatshirt at a car boot sale in Gloucestershire.

Steve1956
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Steve1956 » Mon Jul 22, 2019 9:40 pm

image.jpeg
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Pstotto
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Pstotto » Mon Jul 22, 2019 9:46 pm

Mrs. Merton's Brother: 'Airport lounge'

https://youtu.be/U4rwDTKmq5k" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Joe14
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Joe14 » Mon Jul 22, 2019 10:28 pm

Last night I woke up at 11pm, 1am, 3am & 5am. It was all very odd.
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Funkydrummer
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Funkydrummer » Tue Jul 23, 2019 9:47 am

My wife left me last week, citing that all I was interested in and talked about was football, football and more football.

I'm absolutely gutted, because we've been married for four seasons.
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MACCA
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Re: Good jokes

Post by MACCA » Tue Jul 23, 2019 9:53 am

Funkydrummer wrote:My wife left me last week, citing that all I was interested in and talked about was football, football and more football.

I'm absolutely gutted, because we've been married for four seasons.
Similarly, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with everything Phil Collins.
On her exit she said my life wouldn't amount to much once shes gone, however take a look at me now!

Sutton-Claret
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Sutton-Claret » Tue Jul 23, 2019 10:08 am

MACCA wrote:Similarly, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with everything Phil Collins.
On her exit she said my life wouldn't amount to much once shes gone, however take a look at me now!
My wife said she'd had enough of me and wanted me to move out for watching 'Only Fools and Horses' all day and night. I sad ''OK I'll get the suitcase from the van''....
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Bosscat
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Bosscat » Tue Jul 23, 2019 10:28 am

I said to the wife "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"



The Wife replied "That's a good idea - you stand by the cooker & sink while I sit on the sofa watching the Footy and farting!!!"
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FactualFrank
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Re: Good jokes

Post by FactualFrank » Tue Jul 23, 2019 10:41 am

“Post Office” fancy dress party?

I’ll be there in a jiffy.

Bosscat
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Bosscat » Tue Jul 23, 2019 11:04 am

3 m8's were in the pub discussing their favourite football team.

"I blame the manager for the problems...." said the 1st

"I blame the players, they have no idea...." said the 2nd

"I blame my Mum and Dad..." said the 3rd

"Your Mum and Dad?????????" They asked incredulously.




"Yeah if they had moved to a decent town before I was born I wouldn't be following this shi........."
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Pstotto
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Pstotto » Tue Jul 23, 2019 12:59 pm

I was on the train to the coast yesterday when the guard said "We are now approaching Ramsgate. Change here for Sandwich... Deal... Including a half-price bottle of Elderflower water and a free bag of crisps... Walmer... if it's not from the fridge... And then on to Dover having refreshed your soul (true story :-)).

Bosscat
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Bosscat » Tue Jul 23, 2019 5:51 pm

FactualFrank wrote:“Post Office” fancy dress party?

I’ll be there in a jiffy.
My mate was going to a fancy dress party as a condom...

He was a bit late so we rang him...

He said don't worry I will be there in a jiffy

Untinted Glasses
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Untinted Glasses » Wed Jul 24, 2019 12:50 am

Went to the toy shop last week for a barbie doll for the granddaughter. I asked the assistant how much they were, she pointed to one of them on the shelf and said that’s action barbie , she’s £20 and comes with a canoe.
She points at another and said that’s sporty barbie, she’s £20 and comes with a football .
Then she points at another and says that’s divorced barbie she’s £70 ! I gasped and ask why that one was so expensive , she said well she comes with Ken’s house and kens car !

conyoviejo
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Re: Good jokes

Post by conyoviejo » Sun Jul 28, 2019 10:45 pm

Paddy says "Mick I'm thinking of buying a Labrador"

Mick says " Bugger that Paddy,have you seen how many of their owners go blind "
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Pstotto
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Pstotto » Mon Jul 29, 2019 7:13 pm

I see West Ham are looking to appoint Jo Brand as the next coach... Van Hool's been sacked. :-)

Bosscat
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Bosscat » Mon Jul 29, 2019 7:26 pm

:lol:
Pstotto wrote:I see West Ham are looking to appoint Jo Brand as the next coach... Van Hool's been sacked. :-)
If they removed her teeth they could get an extra row of seats in ;)
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Pstotto
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Pstotto » Mon Jul 29, 2019 7:31 pm

It's got a built-in car wash that also doubles as an emergency exit...

Funkydrummer
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Funkydrummer » Mon Jul 29, 2019 7:32 pm

Spotted on a sticker in house window in a TV programme the other day.

A silhouette of a vicious dog with the words :-

"Is there life after death ? Break in and find out."

bfcjg
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Re: Good jokes

Post by bfcjg » Mon Jul 29, 2019 7:34 pm

What's brown and runs across the stage ?
Showbiz.

Pstotto
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Pstotto » Wed Jul 31, 2019 9:19 pm

And now for Male Vengeance Countdown with Carol Vorderman...

"OK first listen to this..."

'Don't go for second best baby, put your love to the test, you've got to make him express himself and then you know his love is real.'

"OK I'll have a gun please Carol... And an address... And another gun please Carol... And another address... And another address and then another gun please, Carol".

"Right, next contestant listen to this..."

''Hey there, hey there, what's the matter with yr, girls just want to have fu-un'

'I'll start with an address Carol and then a gun.... And another gun and another... And another gun please Carol and another address please Carol."

"Now back to the first contestant, listen to this..."

'If you want my future, forget my past'.

"OK I'll start with a gun please Carol... And then an address... And another address please, Carol... And another... And another... And another and then another gun please, Carol".

Stickers
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Stickers » Thu Aug 01, 2019 7:16 pm

The County Down Conundrum??

Vintage Claret
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Vintage Claret » Thu Aug 01, 2019 8:26 pm

2 women talking to each over the garden fence.

One says "saw your husband in town earlier with a huge bunch of flowers"

"Oh heck" says the other, "guess this means he expects me to be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend"

"Don't be daft", says her friend, "I'll lend you a vase"
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conyoviejo
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Re: Good jokes

Post by conyoviejo » Sat Sep 14, 2019 10:34 pm

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Vintage Claret
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Vintage Claret » Sat Sep 14, 2019 10:38 pm

"Is that really a picture of you with REM?"
"Yes, that's me in the corner"

morpheus2
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Re: Good jokes

Post by morpheus2 » Sun Sep 15, 2019 10:12 am

Bosscat wrote:Image
This one keeps popping up on this thread, I really don't get it :(

Bosscat
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Bosscat » Sun Sep 15, 2019 10:48 am

morpheus2 wrote:This one keeps popping up on this thread, I really don't get it :(
I am not going to explain it, it would spoil the joke for so many......











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1HappyClaret
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Re: Good jokes

Post by 1HappyClaret » Sun Sep 15, 2019 8:06 pm

I’m thinking of selling my hoover. It only collects dust.

Foulthrow
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Foulthrow » Sun Sep 15, 2019 9:24 pm

If any Man City fans are thinking of going away on holiday then I'd recommend Tenerife. You can't beat the Canaries at this time of year.
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Bosscat
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Bosscat » Tue Sep 17, 2019 7:54 pm

morpheus2 wrote:This one keeps popping up on this thread, I really don't get it :(
The reason is the website we used to use to upload pictures to this site has shut down and removed all content.... see below
http://tinypic.com/?t=postupload" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


Oh yeah and this is NO JOKE :D

Steve1956
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Steve1956 » Tue Sep 17, 2019 9:28 pm

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
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cbx750
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Re: Good jokes

Post by cbx750 » Tue Sep 17, 2019 9:58 pm

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

Goobs
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Goobs » Wed Sep 18, 2019 12:11 am

cbx750 wrote:A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
Surely you only need nine wives if you play front nine then back nine?
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Steve1956
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Steve1956 » Wed Sep 18, 2019 6:17 am

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".

"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."

"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"

"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.

"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,

"Fuckking Immigrants!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday"...

Shappie
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Shappie » Wed Sep 18, 2019 7:07 am

Goobs wrote:Surely you only need nine wives if you play front nine then back nine?

logged in just to like this!!! :lol:

Woodleyclaret
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Woodleyclaret » Wed Sep 18, 2019 8:59 am

Two old ladies coming out of chapel.That new preacher is a bit loud.What did you say ? I said the new preacher is LOUD.What did you say? BAWLS LIKE A BULL.
Has he ?

Steve1956
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Steve1956 » Wed Sep 18, 2019 11:00 am

Not a joke as such,but it made me giggle.

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7decades
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Re: Good jokes

Post by 7decades » Wed Sep 18, 2019 12:38 pm

Is that the chimney breast ?

Bosscat
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Bosscat » Wed Sep 18, 2019 12:39 pm

Steve1956 wrote:Not a joke as such,but it made me giggle.

image.jpeg
Someone Boobed with the decorating
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Steve1956
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Steve1956 » Wed Sep 18, 2019 1:19 pm

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The Royal Dyche's offering......

FactualFrank
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Re: Good jokes

Post by FactualFrank » Wed Sep 18, 2019 1:35 pm

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.
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Claretlad
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Re: Good jokes

Post by Claretlad » Wed Sep 18, 2019 5:37 pm

Whats an hospice he said ...i said about a gallon...

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