Good jokes
-
- Posts: 220
- Joined: Mon Oct 01, 2018 7:37 pm
- Been Liked: 64 times
- Has Liked: 23 times
Good jokes
Going through abit of a sh1tty time recently and could do with a good laugh.
Come on Clarets hit me with some good ens.
Come on Clarets hit me with some good ens.
-
- Posts: 2340
- Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2016 10:01 am
- Been Liked: 546 times
- Has Liked: 51 times
Re: Good jokes
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles
Ten-tickles
These 4 users liked this post: JimMcDonald Jonboyclayton Long Time Lurker elwaclaret
Re: Good jokes
Brexit
-
- Posts: 9321
- Joined: Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:01 pm
- Been Liked: 4842 times
- Has Liked: 947 times
- Location: Leeds
Re: Good jokes
Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6in. His statue is 17ft 4in.
That’s Horatio of 1:3
That’s Horatio of 1:3
These 10 users liked this post: Rick_Muller Juan Tanamera Gerry Hattrick bobinho spadesclaret Clarets4me bfcbri summitclaret elwaclaret bfcmik
-
- Posts: 8050
- Joined: Thu Jul 14, 2016 2:38 pm
- Been Liked: 2416 times
- Has Liked: 2115 times
Re: Good jokes
Judas Horse-Face is welcomed back at t'Turf
Re: Good jokes
This was on here the other day and made me laugh.
Sad news from the Nestlé factory today.
A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted
‘The Milky Bars are on me’ his colleagues just cheered loudly.
Sad news from the Nestlé factory today.
A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted
‘The Milky Bars are on me’ his colleagues just cheered loudly.
These 3 users liked this post: TVC15 Healeywoodclaret elwaclaret
Re: Good jokes
I wanted to be an actor but the guy who was teaching me kept leaving town, he was a stage coach!. After that I started building boats in the loft the sails went through the roof.
-
- Posts: 9321
- Joined: Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:01 pm
- Been Liked: 4842 times
- Has Liked: 947 times
- Location: Leeds
Re: Good jokes
Stolen from social media...
These 8 users liked this post: Pearcey Bosscat djt2006 SalisburyClaret IanMcL Hipper Colburn_Claret elwaclaret
-
- Posts: 9321
- Joined: Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:01 pm
- Been Liked: 4842 times
- Has Liked: 947 times
- Location: Leeds
Re: Good jokes
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
This user liked this post: IanMcL
-
- Posts: 9321
- Joined: Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:01 pm
- Been Liked: 4842 times
- Has Liked: 947 times
- Location: Leeds
Re: Good jokes
Two boys were walking along the street. One was carrying a car battery and the other some fireworks. The police arrested them. One was charged and the other was let off.
-
- Posts: 9321
- Joined: Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:01 pm
- Been Liked: 4842 times
- Has Liked: 947 times
- Location: Leeds
Re: Good jokes
I didn't think a chiropractor would improve my posture.
But I stand corrected.
But I stand corrected.
This user liked this post: dougcollins
-
- Posts: 9321
- Joined: Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:01 pm
- Been Liked: 4842 times
- Has Liked: 947 times
- Location: Leeds
Re: Good jokes
Did you hear about the two ships that collided in the English Channel.
One carrying Red Paint, the other Blue Paint.
Both crews were Marooned!
One carrying Red Paint, the other Blue Paint.
Both crews were Marooned!
This user liked this post: elwaclaret
Re: Good jokes
What's brown and sticky? Poo!
-
- Posts: 9321
- Joined: Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:01 pm
- Been Liked: 4842 times
- Has Liked: 947 times
- Location: Leeds
Re: Good jokes
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
The stables have turned.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
The stables have turned.
This user liked this post: Foreverly Claret
-
- Posts: 9321
- Joined: Sun Dec 27, 2015 8:01 pm
- Been Liked: 4842 times
- Has Liked: 947 times
- Location: Leeds
Re: Good jokes
My manager is threatening to sack the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.
These 3 users liked this post: MG70 Siddo elwaclaret
-
- Posts: 2340
- Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2016 10:01 am
- Been Liked: 546 times
- Has Liked: 51 times
Re: Good jokes
LADIES, if he can’t appreciate your fruity jokes, then you need to let that mango!
-
- Posts: 239
- Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2016 10:46 pm
- Been Liked: 101 times
- Has Liked: 31 times
Re: Good jokes
On Diane Abbott's tour of Ireland she was asked if she liked County Down.
She said she preferred it when Carol Vorderman was on it..
She said she preferred it when Carol Vorderman was on it..
Re: Good jokes
I saw an advert in the local paper the other day for a nudist convention in town. Might go if I’ve got nothing on.
This user liked this post: elwaclaret
Re: Good jokes
We were on a Cruise ship sailing across the Atlantic a few years ago.
My wife and I were sat in one of the bars chatting with a rather Posh Edinburgh couple.
The lady asked me what I did for a living and I told her my wife was retired and I was a Locksmith, I asked her what they did & she said they both worked for Cunard.
I said so do I ..... but there was no need to swear.
My wife and I were sat in one of the bars chatting with a rather Posh Edinburgh couple.
The lady asked me what I did for a living and I told her my wife was retired and I was a Locksmith, I asked her what they did & she said they both worked for Cunard.
I said so do I ..... but there was no need to swear.
These 2 users liked this post: houseboy mdd2
-
- Posts: 3748
- Joined: Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:49 am
- Been Liked: 927 times
- Has Liked: 716 times
Re: Good jokes
These 7 users liked this post: DCWat Caernarfon_Claret Long Time Lurker Healeywoodclaret IanMcL elwaclaret morpheus2
Re: Good jokes
I’ve just hired an Eastern European cleaner. She took ages to do the hoovering. Turns out she was a Slovak.
These 2 users liked this post: JimMcDonald elwaclaret
Re: Good jokes
I just found out I'm colorblind.
I was shocked as the diagnosis came completely out of the grey.
I was shocked as the diagnosis came completely out of the grey.
These 5 users liked this post: BFCmaj Foreverly Claret mdd2 Belial elwaclaret
Re: Good jokes
My New Years resolution is to stop using spray deodorant.......... roll on 2019!
Re: Good jokes
Did I tell you my mate got sacked from the dodgems. He's put in a complaint for funfair dismissal. Still be swings and roundabouts whether he succeeds.
This user liked this post: elwaclaret
Re: Good jokes
My friend recently passed away and I've just received a letter saying that he left me a really expensive antique watch in his will...
I really hope it's not a wind up!
I really hope it's not a wind up!
Re: Good jokes
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising .... what person takes a knife on a date.
I just think it's surprising .... what person takes a knife on a date.
-
- Posts: 219
- Joined: Sat Feb 20, 2016 9:45 pm
- Been Liked: 137 times
- Has Liked: 160 times
Re: Good jokes
Here goes
Two Nuns in the bath
First nun : Where's the soap ?
Second nun : It certainly does
Two Nuns in the bath
First nun : Where's the soap ?
Second nun : It certainly does
These 3 users liked this post: Bosscat bobinho houseboy
Re: Good jokes
Bloke goes into a chemist's and asks for some deodorant.
"Roll-on ball?"
"No, under-the-arm'll do fine."
"Roll-on ball?"
"No, under-the-arm'll do fine."
-
- Posts: 1009
- Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2016 8:55 pm
- Been Liked: 308 times
- Has Liked: 350 times
Re: Good jokes
Liz been playing away again?JimMcDonald wrote:Going through abit of a sh1tty time recently and could do with a good laugh.
Come on Clarets hit me with some good ens.
Re: Good jokes
A surgeon, a civil engineer, and a politician were arguing about which of them had the oldest profession.
The surgeon said, "God created woman by taking a rib from Adam - that's surgery, so mine is the oldest profession."
The civil engineer said, "But before that, God created the earth and the heavens by making order out of chaos. That's civil engineering job, so mine is the oldest profession."
And the politician said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"
The surgeon said, "God created woman by taking a rib from Adam - that's surgery, so mine is the oldest profession."
The civil engineer said, "But before that, God created the earth and the heavens by making order out of chaos. That's civil engineering job, so mine is the oldest profession."
And the politician said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"
This user liked this post: Rick_Muller
Re: Good jokes
Why have Elephants got big ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
-
- Posts: 18014
- Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2016 7:07 pm
- Been Liked: 4074 times
- Has Liked: 1853 times
Re: Good jokes
A mate of mine called me and said "fancy going abseiling at the weekend?"
I said "Abseiling? I wouldn't lower myself."
And the Venkys snowball.
I said "Abseiling? I wouldn't lower myself."
And the Venkys snowball.
These 2 users liked this post: Clarets4me Bosscat
Re: Good jokes
It's Elizabeth if you don't mind.Danieljwaterhouse wrote:Liz been playing away again?
-
- Posts: 6530
- Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 4:06 pm
- Been Liked: 982 times
- Has Liked: 205 times
Re: Good jokes
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% - it's called a wedding cake.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course, he'll shut up once you let it in.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course, he'll shut up once you let it in.
-
- Posts: 7066
- Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 4:43 pm
- Been Liked: 2240 times
- Has Liked: 1618 times
- Location: Baxenden
Re: Good jokes
I have a little guy a foot tall who plays a miniature grand piano, I got him as wish from my fairy godmother. I think she was a bit deaf because I wound up with a 12 inch pianist.
Re: Good jokes
My mate was a civil engineer....dsr wrote:A surgeon, a civil engineer, and a politician were arguing about which of them had the oldest profession.
The surgeon said, "God created woman by taking a rib from Adam - that's surgery, so mine is the oldest profession."
The civil engineer said, "But before that, God created the earth and the heavens by making order out of chaos. That's civil engineering job, so mine is the oldest profession."
And the politician said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"
The "Stress" at work used to get him down.
Another is a Dentist who went to see a Psychiatrist complaining of depression.
The Psychiatrist told him the problem was he was "looking down in the mouth" all day.
-
- Posts: 3458
- Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2016 11:13 pm
- Been Liked: 1037 times
- Has Liked: 2039 times
Re: Good jokes
Chobulous wrote:It's Elizabeth if you don't mind.
So she is
This user liked this post: Bosscat
Re: Good jokes
Or............a stick !Fenwick wrote:What's brown and sticky? Poo!
Re: Good jokes
Or a Stick insect thats been on holiday......Dougall wrote:Or............a stick !
-
- Posts: 2968
- Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2016 7:54 am
- Been Liked: 807 times
- Has Liked: 1526 times
- Location: France
Re: Good jokes
I was feeling a bit down as well.
Having read these jokes I'm thinking of slitting my wrists.
Having read these jokes I'm thinking of slitting my wrists.
-
- Posts: 4644
- Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2016 3:41 am
- Been Liked: 1031 times
- Has Liked: 3191 times
Re: Good jokes
A man in a Chinese restaurant
"excuse me waiter, but this chicken is rubbery"
waiter replies..."Oh thank you very much sir, thank you very much"
"excuse me waiter, but this chicken is rubbery"
waiter replies..."Oh thank you very much sir, thank you very much"
This user liked this post: SirAlec
Re: Good jokes
Funniest one of the daychekhov wrote:I was feeling a bit down as well.
Having read these jokes I'm thinking of slitting my wrists.
-
- Posts: 25445
- Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2016 12:46 am
- Been Liked: 6930 times
- Has Liked: 11660 times
- Location: Leeds
Re: Good jokes
I never believed for one second that wearing orthopaedic shoes would help my posture. But I stand corrected.
These 2 users liked this post: Bosscat Siddo
-
- Posts: 3406
- Joined: Sun Jan 03, 2016 5:57 pm
- Been Liked: 2147 times
- Has Liked: 3782 times
- Location: Norfolk
Re: Good jokes
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
These 2 users liked this post: Zom Zom MDWat
Re: Good jokes
I saw an article about crime in multi-storey car parks.
That is wrong on so many different levels
That is wrong on so many different levels
Re: Good jokes
Did you know ....
You can’t lose a homing pigeon.
If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back,
then what you’ve lost is just a pigeon
You can’t lose a homing pigeon.
If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back,
then what you’ve lost is just a pigeon
-
- Posts: 2212
- Joined: Sun Jan 24, 2016 3:03 pm
- Been Liked: 935 times
- Has Liked: 608 times
Re: Good jokes
A friend of mine always dreamt of being run over by a steam train, when it happened he was chuffed to bits
This user liked this post: IanMcL
-
- Posts: 2968
- Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2016 7:54 am
- Been Liked: 807 times
- Has Liked: 1526 times
- Location: France
Re: Good jokes
Excuse me Frank but I'm sure I've already seen that one on this board (and very recently!). Are you guilty of recycling your old jokes?FactualFrank wrote:I never believed for one second that wearing orthopaedic shoes would help my posture. But I stand corrected.