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I'm up in court next week... I've been charged with impersonating an undercover police officer.

... Where I did knowingly wear a Jack Wills sweatshirt at a car boot sale in Gloucestershire.

Mrs. Merton's Brother: 'Airport lounge'

https://youtu.be/U4rwDTKmq5k" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Last night I woke up at 11pm, 1am, 3am & 5am. It was all very odd.

My wife left me last week, citing that all I was interested in and talked about was football, football and more football.

I'm absolutely gutted, because we've been married for four seasons.

Funkydrummer wrote:My wife left me last week, citing that all I was interested in and talked about was football, football and more football.

I'm absolutely gutted, because we've been married for four seasons.

Similarly, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with everything Phil Collins.
On her exit she said my life wouldn't amount to much once shes gone, however take a look at me now!

MACCA wrote:Similarly, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with everything Phil Collins.
On her exit she said my life wouldn't amount to much once shes gone, however take a look at me now!

My wife said she'd had enough of me and wanted me to move out for watching 'Only Fools and Horses' all day and night. I sad ''OK I'll get the suitcase from the van''....

I said to the wife "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"



The Wife replied "That's a good idea - you stand by the cooker & sink while I sit on the sofa watching the Footy and farting!!!"

“Post Office” fancy dress party?

I’ll be there in a jiffy.

3 m8's were in the pub discussing their favourite football team.

"I blame the manager for the problems...." said the 1st

"I blame the players, they have no idea...." said the 2nd

"I blame my Mum and Dad..." said the 3rd

"Your Mum and Dad?????????" They asked incredulously.




"Yeah if they had moved to a decent town before I was born I wouldn't be following this shi........."

I was on the train to the coast yesterday when the guard said "We are now approaching Ramsgate. Change here for Sandwich... Deal... Including a half-price bottle of Elderflower water and a free bag of crisps... Walmer... if it's not from the fridge... And then on to Dover having refreshed your soul (true story ).

FactualFrank wrote:“Post Office” fancy dress party?

I’ll be there in a jiffy.

My mate was going to a fancy dress party as a condom...

He was a bit late so we rang him...

He said don't worry I will be there in a jiffy

Went to the toy shop last week for a barbie doll for the granddaughter. I asked the assistant how much they were, she pointed to one of them on the shelf and said that’s action barbie , she’s £20 and comes with a canoe.
She points at another and said that’s sporty barbie, she’s £20 and comes with a football .
Then she points at another and says that’s divorced barbie she’s £70 ! I gasped and ask why that one was so expensive , she said well she comes with Ken’s house and kens car !

Paddy says "Mick I'm thinking of buying a Labrador"

Mick says " Bugger that Paddy,have you seen how many of their owners go blind "

I see West Ham are looking to appoint Jo Brand as the next coach... Van Hool's been sacked.

Pstotto wrote:I see West Ham are looking to appoint Jo Brand as the next coach... Van Hool's been sacked.

If they removed her teeth they could get an extra row of seats in

It's got a built-in car wash that also doubles as an emergency exit...

Spotted on a sticker in house window in a TV programme the other day.

A silhouette of a vicious dog with the words :-

"Is there life after death ? Break in and find out."

What's brown and runs across the stage ?
Showbiz.

And now for Male Vengeance Countdown with Carol Vorderman...

"OK first listen to this..."

'Don't go for second best baby, put your love to the test, you've got to make him express himself and then you know his love is real.'

"OK I'll have a gun please Carol... And an address... And another gun please Carol... And another address... And another address and then another gun please, Carol".

"Right, next contestant listen to this..."

''Hey there, hey there, what's the matter with yr, girls just want to have fu-un'

'I'll start with an address Carol and then a gun.... And another gun and another... And another gun please Carol and another address please Carol."

"Now back to the first contestant, listen to this..."

'If you want my future, forget my past'.

"OK I'll start with a gun please Carol... And then an address... And another address please, Carol... And another... And another... And another and then another gun please, Carol".

The County Down Conundrum??

2 women talking to each over the garden fence.

One says "saw your husband in town earlier with a huge bunch of flowers"

"Oh heck" says the other, "guess this means he expects me to be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend"

"Don't be daft", says her friend, "I'll lend you a vase"

"Is that really a picture of you with REM?"
"Yes, that's me in the corner"

Bosscat wrote:

This one keeps popping up on this thread, I really don't get it

morpheus2 wrote:This one keeps popping up on this thread, I really don't get it

I am not going to explain it, it would spoil the joke for so many......

I’m thinking of selling my hoover. It only collects dust.

If any Man City fans are thinking of going away on holiday then I'd recommend Tenerife. You can't beat the Canaries at this time of year.

morpheus2 wrote:This one keeps popping up on this thread, I really don't get it

The reason is the website we used to use to upload pictures to this site has shut down and removed all content.... see below
http://tinypic.com/?t=postupload" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


Oh yeah and this is NO JOKE

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

cbx750 wrote:A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

Surely you only need nine wives if you play front nine then back nine?

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".

"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."

"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"

"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.

"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,

"Fuckking Immigrants!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday"...

Goobs wrote:Surely you only need nine wives if you play front nine then back nine?

logged in just to like this!!!

Two old ladies coming out of chapel.That new preacher is a bit loud.What did you say ? I said the new preacher is LOUD.What did you say? BAWLS LIKE A BULL.
Has he ?

Not a joke as such,but it made me giggle.

Is that the chimney breast ?

Steve1956 wrote:Not a joke as such,but it made me giggle.

image.jpeg

Someone Boobed with the decorating

The Royal Dyche's offering......

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

Whats an hospice he said ...i said about a gallon...