My wife

[Steve1956]

Comes out with some gems,just watching a programme on true crime and she just inputted to me about the criminal "he's not the sharpest spoon in the drawer is he"

[COBBLE]

A spoonerism.

[tim_noone]

Comes out with some gems,just watching a programme on true crime and she just inputted to me about the criminal "he's not the sharpest spoon in the drawer is he"

I think shes giving you a subliminanal message there.....

[Steve1956]

You should ask her Tim.

[Bosscat]

Comes out with some gems,just watching a programme on true crime and she just inputted to me about the criminal "he's not the sharpest spoon in the drawer is he"

Perhaps she likes "Robin Hood Prince of Thieves"

Sherriff of Nottingham - "I'll cut his heart out with a spoon"

[Tricky Trevor]

Mrs Trevor has me in tucks. One of my favourites was “coastal corrosion”.

[gawthorpe_view]

Take her to 'Spoons for Sunday lunch tomorrow, she's just dropping you a hint.

[Steve1956]

He favourite is " bent as a two Bob bit" WTF:)

[Goobs]

Wife turned round to me a few years ago after watching a crime film and asked "can a professional hit man be locked up? He's only doing his job!"

[paulus the woodgnome]

Early in our relationship Mrs Woodgnome told me her car has passed it's MOT test and it had a solid sashee. I eventually realised she meant chassis. WTAF.

[Holmeclaret]

Mrs Holme once phoned me at work all of a dither to tell me that that a strange man had made his way up the garden path and had hung around the front door. She'd got so worried that she'd phoned the police, describing him as black with a blue shirt and navy trousers.
Always beware a new postman.
True story.

[scouseclaret]

Amongst a host of other gems, Mrs Scouse once described the American comedian Reginald D Hunter as “Like a black Lenny Henry”!

[MACCA]

I Mrs Macca used to crease me when I was watching cricket / rugby

As South Africa ( RSA in the score box ) always made her say Russia.
I'd often wonder in the kitchen if she arrived home, or came in the room, and shout back, what's the score?

She'd reply, " England 6 Russia 12 " etc.

Sadly she's wised up now.

[bfccrazy]

Sat on a plane waiting for it to take off.

“Go on that skyscanner and see if we’re delayed”

‘We’re sat on a plane that should have taken off at 1:15 ..... it’s currently 1:45, we’re delayed’

[Clarets4me]

Many many years ago, I was making some sandwiches for a " Jacob's join " ( parents 30th Wedding Anniversary ). We'd not long been married, and Mrs Clarets4me looked on in shock as I placed smoked salmon on cream cheese, and began to cut into quarters. " What are you doing ? That Salmon's raw, it needs cooking, you'll just embarrass yourself " ....

[scouseclaret]

Another classic.

I was sat watching the cricket a few years ago. Aussie captain Michael Clarke had just hit a century and Sky had his “wagon wheel” chart on screen, showing where he’d scored his runs.

At which point Mrs S enters the room and, staring at the screen in disbelief, asks “is his name really Clarke Wagonwheel?”!!!

One day I’m going to put them all in a book.

[Steve1956]

She surpassed herself last night,earlier on during yesterday she says to me next time we visit someone with an Alexa I'm going to say to it "Alexa give me a 4 am alarm call".....duly at four am this morning I'm in a deep dreamy sleep when I here a wailing in the living room I give her a nudge and say what's that wailing she says I don't know,she had only gone and played her own trick on herself the daft bint....I'm thinking of divorcing the idiot.

[evensteadiereddie]

Mine always refers to something that fizzles out or doesn't live up to expectations - not my performance, obviously - as a "damp squid"....
I've given up trying to put her right.

[basil6345789]

When it came on the news that Colonel Sanders had died Mrs Basille said "aw, just after he'd got that shop opened in Padiham!"

[Siddo]

When it came on the news that Colonel Sanders had died Mrs Basille said "aw, just after he'd got that shop opened in Padiham!"

Nothing changes then Basil!!

[Dark Cloud]

My wife's extremely grumpy because I haven't sorted anything out for Mother's Day, but when I last looked she wasn't actually my mother. I already have one of those!

[pushpinpussy]

The wife once asked me whether I love her or football the most?

I said "Open your legs and I will show you"

So I nutmegged her.

[Claretmatt4]

Great thread

[FactualFrank]

Comes out with some gems,just watching a programme on true crime and she just inputted to me about the criminal "he's not the sharpest spoon in the drawer is he"

Brilliant!

[Bosscat]

She surpassed herself last night,earlier on during yesterday she says to me next time we visit someone with an Alexa I'm going to say to it "Alexa give me a 4 am alarm call".....duly at four am this morning I'm in a deep dreamy sleep when I here a wailing in the living room I give her a nudge and say what's that wailing she says I don't know,she had only gone and played her own trick on herself the daft bint....I'm thinking of divorcing the idiot.

Best you don't phone your missus when she is ironing then Steve m8

[Steve1956]

Best you don't phone your missus when she is ironing then Steve m8

Good idea.

[expoultryboy]

A few of us went playing golf in Spain last year . On the Saturday , the burnley game was being shown live in one of the local bars . She said because of the time difference , she wouldn't ruin it for me and ring to tell me the score !!

[IanMcL]

Another classic.

I was sat watching the cricket a few years ago. Aussie captain Michael Clarke had just hit a century and Sky had his “wagon wheel” chart on screen, showing where he’d scored his runs.

At which point Mrs S enters the room and, staring at the screen in disbelief, asks “is his name really Clarke Wagonwheel?”!!!

One day I’m going to put them all in a book.

A very plausible name for an Australian!

[IanMcL]

Lucky Burnley didn't play today....the match would have finished an hour early!