Farting

taio · Post by **taio** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:52 pm

FCBurnley wrote:My wife says men fart but women only do poops that smell like springtime

I'd be filing for a divorce if my wife used the word "poops"

IanMcL · Post by **IanMcL** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 5:26 pm

My car farts. My granddaughter loves it!

claretblue · Post by **claretblue** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 5:40 pm

Falcon wrote:I try to amuse her by letting one out with every step as I cross the room

reminds me of the lyric:

'...Well, my a*se went "boom"
When I crossed that room
And I held her hand in mine...'

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=we ... &FORM=VIRE" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

giveusaB · Post by **giveusaB** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 6:03 pm

Instead of just saying excuse me or pardon do you have a word or special phrase you use after letting rip.I quite like “more tea vicar” or “ a bit more choke and that would’ve started”

holdyourfire · Post by **holdyourfire** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 6:32 pm

giveusaB wrote:Instead of just saying excuse me or pardon do you have a word or special phrase you use after letting rip.I quite like “more tea vicar” or “ a bit more choke and that would’ve started”

I usually follow a good bottom burp with this."speak up brown your through"

holdyourfire · Post by **holdyourfire** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 6:38 pm

I used to be able to gas a pub taproom in the seventies with my pumpadumps. But that could have been the BREW 10.

bfcjg · Post by **bfcjg** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 6:39 pm

I try to fart to the traditional football clap and finish by shouting Burnley.
Fart
Fart
Fart fart fart
Fart fart fart Fart
Burnley
I've got to the start of the second fart on the bottom line but the fear of following through deters my ambition.

Steve1956 · Post by **Steve1956** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 7:01 pm

giveusaB wrote:Instead of just saying excuse me or pardon do you have a word or special phrase you use after letting rip.I quite like “more tea vicar” or “ a bit more choke and that would’ve started”

I say "good arse".....she goes fuc**** mad.

DCWat · Post by **DCWat** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 7:17 pm

Pull my finger!

Hipper · Post by **Hipper** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 7:58 pm

Due to the effects on global warming, it won't be long before flatulance is taxed if not outright banned.

Hipper · Post by **Hipper** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 8:00 pm

giveusaB wrote:Instead of just saying excuse me or pardon do you have a word or special phrase you use after letting rip.I quite like “more tea vicar” or “ a bit more choke and that would’ve started”

Isn't 'more tea vicar' meant for burping?

I don't say anything and hope someone else gets the blame.

LS7 · Post by **LS7** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 8:02 pm

The ‘football experience’ (pies, beer etc) gives me the most awful flatulence from well before kick off to well into the next week. I have however discovered charcoal tablets which have changed my life. Still get quite a bit of ‘shock and awe’ but devoid of any odour.

JohnMac · Post by **JohnMac** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 8:04 pm

Suratclaret wrote:Long time ago, I knew a guy in Loveclough who had done time in the glasshouse in Colchester for some misdemeanor when in the Army and he used to tell many a story about how the inmates would have a competition by lighting farts and seeing how far the flame would go. When asked if that didn't burn their nether regions, he said that only happened if buttocks were clenched at the wrong time. Not many of us believed him but no one was willing to try.

Quite a normal event when p*ssed back in my Army days before the invention of television, mobile phones and t'interweb.

It's actually more difficult than you think but I have seen some impressive flame throwers

Bosscat · Post by **Bosscat** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 8:04 pm

"Bloody Dog" ... "we haven't got a dog" ..... "Oh yeah"
"Bloody Cat" ... "we haven't got a cat" .... "Oh yeah"

"Must have been me then"

ŽižkovClaret · Post by **ŽižkovClaret** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 8:06 pm

Steve1956 wrote:I know this is disgusting but has anyone ever cupped a fart to get a true smell of it?

I'm asking for my friend.

Ever Hadouken!'d one?

Claretmatt4 · Post by **Claretmatt4** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 9:04 pm

holdyourfire wrote:I usually follow a good bottom burp with this."speak up brown your through"

Spat water all over my phone with this. Brilliant.

tim_noone · Post by **tim_noone** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 9:08 pm

Some right shirt lifting Brown Ar$e Fu..as! On Here.

Dark Cloud · Post by **Dark Cloud** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 9:15 pm

It's my wife who has the farting issues in our house!! Bloody disgusting it is! She seems to think it's funny. Well it bloody isn't!! It's just childish (and smelly)

timshorts · Post by **timshorts** » Fri Aug 30, 2019 10:55 pm

I suppose that the fart particles cross the room via brownian motion.

atlantalad · Post by **atlantalad** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 1:38 am

timshorts wrote:I suppose that the fart particles cross the room via brownian motion.

Aye, and a process of diffusion. Just think ( or may be not) next time you smell a fart your inhaling particles that have been intimately involved in the brown ian motion passaged from someone's passage

Suratclaret · Post by **Suratclaret** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 6:53 am

JohnMac wrote:Quite a normal event when p*ssed back in my Army days before the invention of television, mobile phones and t'interweb.

It's actually more difficult than you think but I have seen some impressive flame throwers

One of the many stories Billy told was once he had just let go a particularly impressively long fart which was duly lit and produced an equally impressive flame. Unknown to Billy, a particularly nasty sergeant had appeared and was standing within range! As a punishment for nearly scorching him, the sergeant made Billy double round the parade ground umpteen times with full pack and rifle above his head. As Billy staggered round for the final time, the sergeant said " now fart after that lot" ...never able to resist a challenge, he promptly let go an absolute snorter!

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 9:13 am

Logs into Up The Clarets - first thing I see: Farting.

It doesn't matter what you do, there will always be something about Trump on the first page.

ClaretEngineer · Post by **ClaretEngineer** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 10:15 am

holdyourfire wrote:I usually follow a good bottom burp with this."speak up brown your through"

That phrase gets me in serious trouble. Even if I only think it.

I get told off for farting loudly, so I do it quietly...and guess what? Yes, you’re right I get told off for that too

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 10:17 am

ClaretEngineer wrote:I get told off for farting loudly, so I do it quietly...and guess what? Yes, you’re right I get told off for that too

Careless whisper.

bodge · Post by **bodge** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 10:21 am

"Sew a button on that" is my usual exclamation.

Local cricketer · Post by **Local cricketer** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 11:43 am

70 odd replies on a thread. Steve's greatest achievement

jrgbfc · Post by **jrgbfc** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 11:56 am

giveusaB wrote:Instead of just saying excuse me or pardon do you have a word or special phrase you use after letting rip.I quite like “more tea vicar” or “ a bit more choke and that would’ve started”

One of my old bosses used to shake his leg and say "get out and walk". Was mildly amusing at first but didn't stay funny very long

get stuck in tracy · Post by **get stuck in tracy** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 11:57 am

I can do the first three notes from "Smoke On The Water"

Steve1956 · Post by **Steve1956** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 12:23 pm

jrgbfc wrote:One of my old bosses used to shake his leg and say "get out and walk". Was mildly amusing at first but didn't stay funny very long

I think the full saying goes " get out and walk you dont pay rent"

Bosscat · Post by **Bosscat** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 12:58 pm

Local cricketer wrote:70 odd replies on a thread. Steve's greatest achievement

Bloody hell don't stroke the old buggers ego any more ffs

icu81b4 · Post by **icu81b4** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 1:42 pm

Steve1956 wrote:"your nearly 70 years old and laughing at you farts"

Can she not count? 1956 is a long way off 70 years ago. Or is my assumption of your monicker wrong?

Bop · Post by **Bop** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 1:49 pm

Work colleague sat in an important business meeting, dozen or so big wigs. Dull, loses concentration, Forgets where he is - lifts his arse cheeks and lets out a full on Rimsky Korsakov on full volume. Meeting had to be temporarily halted.

Brocky16 · Post by **Brocky16** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:26 pm

Don't rip it, I'll buy the roll....

Steve1956 · Post by **Steve1956** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:33 pm

icu81b4 wrote:Can she not count? 1956 is a long way off 70 years ago. Or is my assumption of your monicker wrong?

The moniker is correct mate,my wife likes to take the pisss!

Steve1956 · Post by **Steve1956** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:34 pm

Bosscat wrote:Bloody hell don't stroke the old buggers ego any more ffs

He follows me around BC hes my stalker always trying to get a reaction,hes probably from Nelson,they are all weirdos from there

Bosscat · Post by **Bosscat** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:35 pm

Steve1956 wrote:He follows me around BC hes my stalker always trying to get a reaction,hes probably from Nelson,they are all weirdos from there

Steve1956 · Post by **Steve1956** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:36 pm

Bop wrote:Work colleague sat in an important business meeting, dozen or so big wigs. Dull, loses concentration, Forgets where he is - lifts his arse cheeks and lets out a full on Rimsky Korsakov on full volume. Meeting had to be temporarily halted.

I love this sort of farting stories,is it a bit weird having a farting fetish?

Too old to be grumpy · Post by **Too old to be grumpy** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:47 pm

When you are of a certain age and in polite company, what does one do when the pressure begins to build. You know full well that as soon as you stand up you will have no control so exiting the room is not an option. Dare you risk releasing the valve slowly and cautiously? The key to successful venting in these circumstances is a silent one and a poker face. There might be an odour but little or no evidence of who created it but I have yet to find a solution to the unmistakable rasp problem. Top tip. If you can avoid sitting on leather upholstery then do so. The amplification created is the silent farter’s nightmare.

BobHaidong · Post by **BobHaidong** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 2:51 pm

In my case with farting, I’m not sure if I should be replying here or on the ‘Times the roof came off’ thread.

Bop · Post by **Bop** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 3:26 pm

Just as an aside, regarding the etymology of the word “guff”. The word stems from the research in the early 1970’s by the formation of the Global Understanding of Farting Foundation when the acronym was adapted by many to represent a “particularly nauseous fart”.

The organisations research divided opinions, but study papers indicated three worldwide recognisable differences in bottom emissions.
a) the trump
b) the parp
c) the guff

cricketfieldclarets · Post by **cricketfieldclarets** » Sat Aug 31, 2019 8:13 pm

Steve1956 wrote:I'm getting grief of the wife for something that comes totally naturally, I always just let it rip she goes absolutely mad,do you guys supress your farts? Am I a disgusting old man? I simply can't hold one in,please help its ruining our relationship.

Were you sat on the row down the front right of the cfs right in front of the main exit and entrance to the stand? Smelt like some smelly ******* had **** himself as I walked past.