I'd be filing for a divorce if my wife used the word "poops"FCBurnley wrote:My wife says men fart but women only do poops that smell like springtime
Farting
Re: Farting
Re: Farting
My car farts. My granddaughter loves it!
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Re: Farting
reminds me of the lyric:Falcon wrote:I try to amuse her by letting one out with every step as I cross the room
'...Well, my a*se went "boom"
When I crossed that room
And I held her hand in mine...'
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=we ... &FORM=VIRE" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Re: Farting
Instead of just saying excuse me or pardon do you have a word or special phrase you use after letting rip.I quite like “more tea vicar” or “ a bit more choke and that would’ve started”
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Re: Farting
I usually follow a good bottom burp with this."speak up brown your through"giveusaB wrote:Instead of just saying excuse me or pardon do you have a word or special phrase you use after letting rip.I quite like “more tea vicar” or “ a bit more choke and that would’ve started”
This user liked this post: Claretmatt4
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Re: Farting
I used to be able to gas a pub taproom in the seventies with my pumpadumps. But that could have been the BREW 10.
Re: Farting
I try to fart to the traditional football clap and finish by shouting Burnley.
Fart
Fart
Fart fart fart
Fart fart fart Fart
Burnley
I've got to the start of the second fart on the bottom line but the fear of following through deters my ambition.
Fart
Fart
Fart fart fart
Fart fart fart Fart
Burnley
I've got to the start of the second fart on the bottom line but the fear of following through deters my ambition.
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Re: Farting
I say "good arse".....she goes fuc**** mad.giveusaB wrote:Instead of just saying excuse me or pardon do you have a word or special phrase you use after letting rip.I quite like “more tea vicar” or “ a bit more choke and that would’ve started”
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Re: Farting
Pull my finger!
Re: Farting
Due to the effects on global warming, it won't be long before flatulance is taxed if not outright banned.
Re: Farting
giveusaB wrote:Instead of just saying excuse me or pardon do you have a word or special phrase you use after letting rip.I quite like “more tea vicar” or “ a bit more choke and that would’ve started”
Isn't 'more tea vicar' meant for burping?
I don't say anything and hope someone else gets the blame.
Re: Farting
The ‘football experience’ (pies, beer etc) gives me the most awful flatulence from well before kick off to well into the next week. I have however discovered charcoal tablets which have changed my life. Still get quite a bit of ‘shock and awe’ but devoid of any odour.
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Re: Farting
Quite a normal event when p*ssed back in my Army days before the invention of television, mobile phones and t'interweb.Suratclaret wrote:Long time ago, I knew a guy in Loveclough who had done time in the glasshouse in Colchester for some misdemeanor when in the Army and he used to tell many a story about how the inmates would have a competition by lighting farts and seeing how far the flame would go. When asked if that didn't burn their nether regions, he said that only happened if buttocks were clenched at the wrong time. Not many of us believed him but no one was willing to try.
It's actually more difficult than you think but I have seen some impressive flame throwers
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Re: Farting
"Bloody Dog" ... "we haven't got a dog" ..... "Oh yeah"
"Bloody Cat" ... "we haven't got a cat" .... "Oh yeah"
"Must have been me then"
"Bloody Cat" ... "we haven't got a cat" .... "Oh yeah"
"Must have been me then"
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Re: Farting
Ever Hadouken!'d one?Steve1956 wrote:I know this is disgusting but has anyone ever cupped a fart to get a true smell of it?
I'm asking for my friend.
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Re: Farting
Spat water all over my phone with this. Brilliant.holdyourfire wrote:I usually follow a good bottom burp with this."speak up brown your through"
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Re: Farting
Some right shirt lifting Brown Ar$e Fu..as! On Here.
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Re: Farting
It's my wife who has the farting issues in our house!! Bloody disgusting it is! She seems to think it's funny. Well it bloody isn't!! It's just childish (and smelly)
Re: Farting
I suppose that the fart particles cross the room via brownian motion.
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Re: Farting
timshorts wrote:I suppose that the fart particles cross the room via brownian motion.
Aye, and a process of diffusion. Just think ( or may be not) next time you smell a fart your inhaling particles that have been intimately involved in the brown ian motion passaged from someone's passage
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Re: Farting
One of the many stories Billy told was once he had just let go a particularly impressively long fart which was duly lit and produced an equally impressive flame. Unknown to Billy, a particularly nasty sergeant had appeared and was standing within range! As a punishment for nearly scorching him, the sergeant made Billy double round the parade ground umpteen times with full pack and rifle above his head. As Billy staggered round for the final time, the sergeant said " now fart after that lot" ...never able to resist a challenge, he promptly let go an absolute snorter!JohnMac wrote:Quite a normal event when p*ssed back in my Army days before the invention of television, mobile phones and t'interweb.
It's actually more difficult than you think but I have seen some impressive flame throwers
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Re: Farting
Logs into Up The Clarets - first thing I see: Farting.
It doesn't matter what you do, there will always be something about Trump on the first page.
It doesn't matter what you do, there will always be something about Trump on the first page.
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Re: Farting
That phrase gets me in serious trouble. Even if I only think it.holdyourfire wrote:I usually follow a good bottom burp with this."speak up brown your through"
I get told off for farting loudly, so I do it quietly...and guess what? Yes, you’re right I get told off for that too
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Re: Farting
Careless whisper.ClaretEngineer wrote:I get told off for farting loudly, so I do it quietly...and guess what? Yes, you’re right I get told off for that too
Re: Farting
"Sew a button on that" is my usual exclamation.
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Re: Farting
70 odd replies on a thread. Steve's greatest achievement
Re: Farting
One of my old bosses used to shake his leg and say "get out and walk". Was mildly amusing at first but didn't stay funny very longgiveusaB wrote:Instead of just saying excuse me or pardon do you have a word or special phrase you use after letting rip.I quite like “more tea vicar” or “ a bit more choke and that would’ve started”
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Re: Farting
I can do the first three notes from "Smoke On The Water"
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Re: Farting
I think the full saying goes " get out and walk you dont pay rent"jrgbfc wrote:One of my old bosses used to shake his leg and say "get out and walk". Was mildly amusing at first but didn't stay funny very long
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Re: Farting
Bloody hell don't stroke the old buggers ego any more ffsLocal cricketer wrote:70 odd replies on a thread. Steve's greatest achievement
Re: Farting
Can she not count? 1956 is a long way off 70 years ago. Or is my assumption of your monicker wrong?Steve1956 wrote:"your nearly 70 years old and laughing at you farts"
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Re: Farting
Work colleague sat in an important business meeting, dozen or so big wigs. Dull, loses concentration, Forgets where he is - lifts his arse cheeks and lets out a full on Rimsky Korsakov on full volume. Meeting had to be temporarily halted.
This user liked this post: Steve1956
Re: Farting
Don't rip it, I'll buy the roll....
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Re: Farting
The moniker is correct mate,my wife likes to take the pisss!icu81b4 wrote:Can she not count? 1956 is a long way off 70 years ago. Or is my assumption of your monicker wrong?
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Re: Farting
He follows me around BC hes my stalker always trying to get a reaction,hes probably from Nelson,they are all weirdos from thereBosscat wrote:Bloody hell don't stroke the old buggers ego any more ffs
Re: Farting
Steve1956 wrote:He follows me around BC hes my stalker always trying to get a reaction,hes probably from Nelson,they are all weirdos from there
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Re: Farting
I love this sort of farting stories,is it a bit weird having a farting fetish?Bop wrote:Work colleague sat in an important business meeting, dozen or so big wigs. Dull, loses concentration, Forgets where he is - lifts his arse cheeks and lets out a full on Rimsky Korsakov on full volume. Meeting had to be temporarily halted.
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Re: Farting
When you are of a certain age and in polite company, what does one do when the pressure begins to build. You know full well that as soon as you stand up you will have no control so exiting the room is not an option. Dare you risk releasing the valve slowly and cautiously? The key to successful venting in these circumstances is a silent one and a poker face. There might be an odour but little or no evidence of who created it but I have yet to find a solution to the unmistakable rasp problem. Top tip. If you can avoid sitting on leather upholstery then do so. The amplification created is the silent farter’s nightmare.
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Re: Farting
In my case with farting, I’m not sure if I should be replying here or on the ‘Times the roof came off’ thread.
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Re: Farting
Just as an aside, regarding the etymology of the word “guff”. The word stems from the research in the early 1970’s by the formation of the Global Understanding of Farting Foundation when the acronym was adapted by many to represent a “particularly nauseous fart”.
The organisations research divided opinions, but study papers indicated three worldwide recognisable differences in bottom emissions.
a) the trump
b) the parp
c) the guff
The organisations research divided opinions, but study papers indicated three worldwide recognisable differences in bottom emissions.
a) the trump
b) the parp
c) the guff
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Re: Farting
Were you sat on the row down the front right of the cfs right in front of the main exit and entrance to the stand? Smelt like some smelly ******* had **** himself as I walked past.Steve1956 wrote:I'm getting grief of the wife for something that comes totally naturally, I always just let it rip she goes absolutely mad,do you guys supress your farts? Am I a disgusting old man? I simply can't hold one in,please help its ruining our relationship.