• Farting

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:09 pm**

I'm getting grief of the wife for something that comes totally naturally, I always just let it rip she goes absolutely mad,do you guys supress your farts? Am I a disgusting old man? I simply can't hold one in,please help its ruining our relationship.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:15 pm**

I try to amuse her by letting one out with every step as I cross the room.

She isn't usually amused.

One time she chased me round the house with an air freshener spray aimed at my posterior.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:17 pm**

Need some more info here Steve, is it the volume or the odour she objects to ?

Or are you attempting to administer a Dutch oven ?

Once you expand on the matter I'm sure there will be a lot of aficionados who can help you with this one.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:19 pm**

Suppressing a fast would only make you ill, so better out than in.

Maybe leave the room when you need to drop the next bomb?

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:22 pm**

bodge wrote:Need some more info here Steve, is it the volume or the odour she objects to ?

Or are you attempting to administer a Dutch oven ?

Once you expand on the matter I'm sure there will be a lot of aficionados who can help you with this one.

No smell mate,it's just a 39 second rift she objects to,we also have two dogs who join in.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:24 pm**

No problem with men farting.

I find it quite disgusting if women do it though.

Unless it's a fat bird letting you know where the buisness end is.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:25 pm**

GodIsADeeJay81 wrote:Suppressing a fast would only make you ill, so better out than in.

Maybe leave the room when you need to drop the next bomb?

I would never be in the room mate,.....I fart quite a lot,I wonder if it's connected to me IBS?

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:29 pm**

Steve1956 wrote:No smell mate,it's just a 39 second rift she objects to,we also have two dogs who join in.

The thought that there are fart aficionados on here is ridiculous ..........or maybe not,I do believe one or two may join in the conversation.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:30 pm**

Steve1956 wrote:I would never be in the room mate,.....I fart quite a lot,I wonder if it's connected to me IBS?

This thread stinks

You could cut the atmosphere with a knife

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:30 pm**

Where ere you be
May your wind blow free
Be it in church or chapel
Let it rattle

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:36 pm**

I used to sleep with a beautiful Italian model while at art college. The bed was frequently filled with the whiff of a fart and I would apologise profusely. After a few weeks, I realised it was her.

Despite her beauty, she was given the elbow. A man needs his uninterrupted sleep!

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:42 pm**

The average speed of a fart coming out of your backside is 7 mph.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:50 pm**

FactualFrank wrote:The average speed of a fart coming out of your backside is 7 mph.

Ahhh at last an aficionado

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:50 pm**

FactualFrank wrote:The average speed of a fart coming out of your backside is 7 mph.

Did you know...

The average person passes aproximatly 1/2 a litre of gass every day.

Women's farts smell worse than men's.....
As hard as it is to believe, it's true. Although women and men produce the same amount of flatulence, a study conducted by Dr. Levitt found that women's farts consistently contain significantly greater concentrations of hydrogen sulfide — the stuff that makes them smell.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:51 pm**

That's actually faster than Northern Rail.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:52 pm**

ElectroClaret wrote:That's actually faster than Northern Rail.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:54 pm**

Bosscat wrote:Did you know...

The average person passes aproximatly 1/2 a litre of gass every day.

Women's farts smell worse than men's.....
As hard as it is to believe, it's true. Although women and men produce the same amount of flatulence, a study conducted by Dr. Levitt found that women's farts consistently contain significantly greater concentrations of hydrogen sulfide — the stuff that makes them smell.

Your not an aficionado BC, you have been googling again haven't you?

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:58 pm**

Steve1956 wrote:Your not an aficionado BC, you have been googling again haven't you?

Maybe he's just a Flatologist.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:58 pm**

Steve1956 wrote:Your not an aficionado BC, you have been googling again haven't you?

Funnily enough the 1st fact is Franks 7mph quote when you google fart facts

Although it does say 10 feet per second (which equates to 7mph)

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 1:59 pm**

FactualFrank wrote:Maybe he's just a Flatologist.

He is something beginning with "F" and it's not the above.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 2:01 pm**

Interesting bloke

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_P%C3%A9tomane" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

: 200px-LePetomane.jpeg (15.14 KiB) Viewed 5601 times

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 2:02 pm**

This really is bar none the best football forum around....what a font of Knowledge.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 2:02 pm**

Can't beat a good fart. Having Crohn's Disease myself has forced my wife into accepting them, now we have a right laugh when one pops out. I used to sup a lot of goon back in Australia at the working hostel I lived at and once made an Irishman spew up on a Saturday morning in the beer garden whilst he was nursing an early weekend hangover. My greatest accomplishment with the ol' bottom burp.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 2:25 pm**

Steve1956 wrote:This really is bar none the best football forum around....what a font of Knowledge.

Only on here would you get farting next to Nigel Farage’s ego....since we have become a very good football team there has been little need to talk about football

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 2:37 pm**

Always let a good one rip when the mother in law comes over

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 2:47 pm**

Steve1956 wrote:I'm getting grief of the wife for something that comes totally naturally, I always just let it rip she goes absolutely mad,do you guys supress your farts? Am I a disgusting old man? I simply can't hold one in,please help its ruining our relationship.

A young man's game

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 2:56 pm**

ZizkovClaret wrote:A young man's game

When I fart and then laugh.....she goes on a tirade of rants...her favourite being "your nearly 70 years old and laughing at you farts"

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:07 pm**

Steve1956 wrote:When I fart and then laugh.....she goes on a tirade of rants...her favourite being "your nearly 70 years old and laughing at you farts"

Hey, if you are nearly 70 and can still trust your farts, you arent doing too bad fella

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:10 pm**

FactualFrank wrote:The average speed of a fart coming out of your backside is 7 mph.

How do you actually know this? Have you looked it up? What kind of man are you to seek this information out?

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:11 pm**

ZizkovClaret wrote:Hey, if you are nearly 70 and can still trust your farts, you arent doing too bad fella

Just this - honestly - this is a proper real life observation.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:17 pm**

Multiple farts in a morning
Same at night in bed.

Trumpy

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:18 pm**

My uncle Ignatious, a would-be man of the cloth and general all- round solid chap, eventually became the Queens personal excuse-me. He would be paid to follow her at quite close quarters and whenever she let on rip he would hold up his hand, smile sheepishly, and say 'sorry'. He eventually got fired for farting in her majesty's presence. He died a beaten old man who never quite understood the irony.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:19 pm**

Why is it you dont mind the smell of your own?

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:28 pm**

Utter nonsense spouted on this thread , people will be saying that women poo next !

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:28 pm**

I likes Cider
Cider makes I fart
When I farts I's happy
When I's happy I buys Cider
I likes Cider
Cider makes I ...................

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:29 pm**

Fenwick wrote:Why is it you dont mind the smell of your own?

Possibly a mixture of nature (survival depending on the ability to detect other smells, not our own) mixed with habituation - we get used to ours over time.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:30 pm**

Fenwick wrote:Why is it you dont mind the smell of your own?

Your sense of smell is designed to alert you to a change in environment. So, its a combo of the material being from you, and then the static smell fading that means if you're sitting in it so to speak, you dont really notice it half as much

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:46 pm**

I know this is disgusting but has anyone ever cupped a fart to get a true smell of it?

I'm asking for my friend.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:58 pm**

Steve1956 wrote:I know this is disgusting but has anyone ever cupped a fart to get a true smell of it?

I'm asking for my friend.

Now I have this picture of you doing an 'Al Pacino Scarface' impression .... trumping into your hand and lifting it to your friends face and saying those immortal words..... "say hello to my little friend"

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:02 pm**

Long time ago, I knew a guy in Loveclough who had done time in the glasshouse in Colchester for some misdemeanor when in the Army and he used to tell many a story about how the inmates would have a competition by lighting farts and seeing how far the flame would go. When asked if that didn't burn their nether regions, he said that only happened if buttocks were clenched at the wrong time. Not many of us believed him but no one was willing to try.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:06 pm**

Bosscat wrote:Now I have this picture of you doing an 'Al Pacino Scarface' impression .... trumping into your hand and lifting it to your friends face and saying those immortal words..... "say hello to my little friend"

to say you don't know me....you know me so well.

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:07 pm**

Suratclaret wrote:Long time ago, I knew a guy in Loveclough who had done time in the glasshouse in Colchester for some misdemeanor when in the Army and he used to tell many a story about how the inmates would have a competition by lighting farts and seeing how far the flame would go. When asked if that didn't burn their nether regions, he said that only happened if buttocks were clenched at the wrong time. Not many of us believed him but no one was willing to try.

I used to live in Loveclough

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:10 pm**

Steve1956 wrote:I used to live in Loveclough

Ah....but were you in the Army!

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:12 pm**

If you could throw your farts like a ventriloquist throws their voice would you be a fartriloquist ?

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:17 pm**

giveusaB wrote:If you could throw your farts like a ventriloquist throws their voice would you be a fartriloquist ?

Only if you farted from your mouth m8 the 'loquist' suffix means voice

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:24 pm**

Suratclaret wrote:Ah....but were you in the Army!

No....but I did light a fart in the Crown in Rawtenstall once,I never did it again

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:30 pm**

Steve1956 wrote:No....but I did light a fart in the Crown in Rawtenstall once,I never did it again

You rebel you Steve

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:34 pm**

Jeez was just in the gentleman's relaxation area and the fella in the trap next door emitted a stench so acrid it hit the back of my throat

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:42 pm**

My wife says men fart but women only do poops that smell like springtime

Posted: **Fri Aug 30, 2019 4:46 pm**

FCBurnley wrote:My wife says men fart but women only do poops that smell like springtime

Round here Springtime stinks as the farmers are spreading the Muckmidden winters poop all over the meadows .... I quite often aliken it to my wifes Knicker-rustlings and get slapped round the head for my trouble... so your wife is absolutely correct womens trouser coughs smell like springtime .... and duck

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