Up the Clarets football novel

[Inchy]

An infinite amount of monkeys given an infinite amount of time could write the entire works of Shakespeare.

With that in mind and with an infinite amount of up the clarets posters I am sure we could muster up the perfect sports novel/sports crime novel/ fictional masterpiece.

Below is in the introduction to the greatest fictional sports book of all time. Please add your contribution to the story.


Joe Sharpe 18 years old and has just been invited to join the first team of Burnthorpe FC for their upcoming pre-season tour of Ireland. Sharpe slipped through the net as a youngster and whist attending college studying for a BTEC in plumbing he was playing for local none league set up, Hadipam Utd. Scoring 47 goals in his first season the 16 year old he caught the attention of Burnthorpe scouts. After a trial match early last season he signed a 2 year contract and was placed in the development squad.

Burnthorpe is a northern industrial town, although most of the industry has left. The main employer in the town is the football club and the Spam factory. Burnthrope FC were a once great club, champions of England in the swinging 60s and once’s nearly signed a young George Best before Manchester Utd offered more money. Burnthorpe struggled in the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s. However since 2007 the club has been promoted twice from league two into the Championship.


The story begins when Sharpe gets on the team bus bound for Liverpool and the ferry to Dublin.

[Bosscat]

Read it

[Inchy]

Ignore any spell or grammar errors I’m on a iPhone


And I’m thick

[Falcon]

What's the betting this somehow becomes about Brexit within 10 posts

[ClaretAndJew]

Actually an infinite amount of monkeys and typewriters could not write anything.

[claretblue]

What's the betting this somehow becomes about Brexit within 10 posts

Brexit implements a hard border between Liverpool and Dublin

end of story!

[Aclaret]

Joe Sharpe, is that Lee Sharpes lad ?
Perhaps Wilks_BFC could ask some questions of him at the Lee Sharpe evening in Rosegrove

[Inchy]

Brexit implements a hard border between Liverpool and Dublin

end of story!

brilliant

[Inchy]

Actually an infinite amount of monkeys and typewriters could not write anything.

Given an infinite amount of time the infinite amount of monkeys could create an infinite amount of pens from a typewriter

[Paul Waine]

Brexit implements a hard border between Liverpool and Dublin

end of story!

Ferry has been commandeered for freight duties for "emergency medical supplies" - there's an unexpected shortage of mood enhancers - [fill in your own bit.... is it 16 million remainers upset that Brexit has turned out an immediate success.... or 17 million leavers still waiting for Brexit to be delivered.....].

Our young lad, Sharp (editor, pls check I've got the name right), is so keen to get across to Dublin and show what he can do on a football pitch that he gathers together the only boats he can find, 10 2 person rowing boats. We can row across to Ireland he said. It can't be that hard and the exercise will do us all some good. (one of the older players remembered the tractor tyres training he'd done when he was younger....). So, "last one in Dublin is a slow rower" the squad shout in unison (editor: "slow rower" is more pc than your original choice) - and will have to sing "Irish Rover" as a forfeit.

So, off they go across the Irish sea.

[Bosscat]

The ferry sailed out from Liverpool and a mighty metal warlord appeared on the horizon..... then to the rescue comes Thunderchild the little warship

Cue music
https://youtu.be/tb4BWSUV8mM" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[bfcjg]

Back to the novel guys.
She slowly removed her clothes whilst looking longingly at her husband's rigid twix , " buying the Dyche mask was the best thing I have ever done he thought" as he .....

[CleggHall]

Keep an eye on the club bus driver!

[Aclaret]

Keep an eye on the club bus driver!

Indeed CleggHall, I've heard she likes a double twix....

[Wile E Coyote]

Having arrived in Dublin, Joe and the rest of his team mates headed for the nearest public bar and requested liquid refreshment.
Joe wasn't a regular drinker, but felt obliged to keep pace with his friends.
By 10pm , Joe had consumed eleven pints of guinness and felt worse for wear.
He staggered towards the rustic bar and called over to the barman. "Another Guinness " ? asked the barman.
"No" said Joe, "Do you sell shorts "?
"Yes son, we do"
"Can you sell me a pair then, I've just s**t myself"

And with that, Joe collapsed unceremoniously onto the wooden floor.

[timshorts]

"you look a little bit white". Barnthorpe manager Dawn Syche looked decidedly concerned as she put her arm around Jo, hoping that the kids pale complexion was not a symptom of nervousness, after receiving the unexpected news that he would be starting each of the four scheduled matches over the next five days, including two played simultaneously on adjacent pitches.

"I told you not to eat carrot, too". Syche took nutrition seriously, and his excel diet spreadsheets might as well have been left at home given that 10 % of Joe's dinner was splattered down his stone island t-shirt, while a conspicuous orange chunk could be spotted clinging to his £829 left trainer. "suppose you were always a bit one footed".

"yep". When pushed (hard) Joe would occasionally string as many as four words together, but never more than four syllables.

"thick cwnt".

Dawn had her work cut out. She knew Vydra would have to start, as would the critically injured Defive and Gudmansun. Joe had breezed straight through customs too, as he bore a passport from the former yugoslav Republic of Moronia. The English players would not get through Boris Johnsons imaginary magic customs barrier in the middle of the Irish Sea for at least three days. Mo Tart had been locked up for exporting dandruff with no export licence, and a the three new foreign imports from London had accidentally caught a train for Barnsthorpe.

[Inchy]

[Cleveleys_claret]

Dawn Synche (born Darren Synche) was a woman going places. Obsessed with details and planning. Also being the face of the LGBTQ community for her achievements. Once having played for Horse Fiddlers FC, Barnthorpe main rivals. Never making it big though and then suddenly at 29 becoming the first pro footballer to come out as non binary. Having the op and in her latter years getting called up for the ladies England team. Obviously seeing the potential of having a 6ft5 18 stone centre half with a full beard playing against 5ft5 women strikers. It took a lot for the fans to get used to her/him but she finally felt like she was getting there

[Wile E Coyote]

Dawn was asked to appear on sky tv's latest football show sponsored by "Mug punter " the betting app company, but on arrival at their plush London offices, he was dismayed to hear Ian wright was due to conduct the interview, so he climbed out of the 5th floor bog window and daringly dropped onto a passing flat back lorry carrying a consignment of thick quilts.
Grateful for his narrow escape, he fell asleep until the lorry reached its destination, a large warehouse on the outskirts of Hebden Bridge.

[IanMcL]

However, Dawn had a presence and created her own criteria for life. Things were always done the Dawn Syche way. Knowing Heddon Brisge well, she commandeered a speed barge was was soon spurring along the canal, all the way to Liverpool. There Dawn called for a water taxi to take her to the squad, in Dublin.

The sea was rough with a 20 foot swell. However, when Dawn raised her hand, the waves parted and a swift, smooth ride was soon over.

As Dawn disembarked, sn electric scooter was thrown to her. The 15km speed was an issue but after a couple of turns, with her bare hands, 60km was a given. Off to the first match, she sped.

The team were playing Blindub Wild Rovers, who sang similar songs to Burnthorpe fans.

When she arrived, the whole squad were changed and ready and looking very fetching in their colourful kit.

Burnthorpe played in a bright orange kit but always had a trade marked beer stain, down the front. Being unique, the colours were described as Carrot and Brew.

The fans adopted this as the club nickname and always chanted "Come on you Carrots", before disappearing at half time for a pie and a brew.

Dawn swiftly named the starting eleven and turned specifically to young Joe Sharpe. Joe - you are on the bench but don't worry, you'll get on later.

Club skipper Den Bee put his arm around young Joe's shoulder.


"Hmm you smell nice Joe. Just wait until you get sweaty".

Den was well respected and his insight was well received by Joe.
"Thanks skipper. Just what I needed".

Just then the ref called and it was time for the match.

[Cleveleys_claret]

Also playing was Marley Taylor, lucky to have got his chance in the first team. Never thinking he would get his chance just yet until the player who was always picked ahead of him had run off with a fan. Stephen Word having met a Burnthorpe FC fan on the club forum ran by Carrot_phony. Hibs carrot had loved Word for years and when he met his idol his love seemed to reciprocated. Word had not been seen since the Upthecarrots fundraiser at the end of the previous season when the two were seen leaving hand in ha d and hibs carrot could be heard telling Word just how amazing he was

[IanMcL]

However, that was not the last Word. Many other words have been aimed towards Hibs Carrot. However, Hibs has a thick skin - although hard to tell how thick - and when the going gets tough, he just jumps into his Nissan electric car and drives off towards the sun, humming 'Sunshine on leaf', in the hope that it will.

Meanwhile back at the match, Captain Bee has won the toss but confused the ref when he decided to bat. After a short discussion, it was agreed to stick to football and ends were decided. The Wedge, as the ground was named, was packed. Burnthorpe were a big, glossy Prem team and the locals wanted to see these so called stars in action. Burnthorpe FC chose the fat end to defend, as no one in their right mind would choose the thin end of the Wedge!

It fell to Bornsey, the jolly striker to kick off. Instead of the usual pass back, he immediately, artistically, lumped the ball forward.

That's the spirit, a very loud and deep, crackly voice was heard to bellow across the pitch. Dawn swallowed another lozenge and placed her box.

Unbeknown to the Blindub Wild Rovers, young Joe Taylor had turned his shirt inside out and like a stealth missile, arrived just as the ball landed at his foot....

[Bosscat]

Kris Kamisole turned to the Skip Sports Camera and said "Unbelievable Jeff Burnthorpe have taken the lead... the young player has just scored an absolute screamer ... they will be replaying that on Soccer am for years"

[IanMcL]

Jeff was quick to point out that Burnthorpe was run on a thruppenny budget but still managed to unearth young, exciting talent and storm the Prem. He then did pumped his arms to show his joy. "Keep it up Kammy. We'll be back in a bit".

[IanMcL]

The match continued..

[harpers_perm]

As the match kicked off Barnthorpe fans reflected on the dark days of the past and their last encounter in Ireland.

It was the glum days of the 1980’s when Brian Millard was manager and after 3 consecutive 12-0 home defeats (Once against Herefund in front of a crowd of 26) only survived demotion to the Burnley and outlying Conurbation Paraplegic League Division 6 by beating Langton Orientals 2-1. A game credited with 17,000 in attendance but actually numbered 76,423, it is credit to the fanatical support of Barnthorpe that people who had not yet been born still managed to be on the famous Longslope Terrace on that fateful day.

The first Barnthorpe game after ‘that match’ was a friendly against Cove Academicals who had romped to the Irish League title by 107 points despite having 4 players with a glass eye, a winger with a club foot and a goalkeeper with only one arm and a speech impediment.

Millard, struggling with injuries to Ray Dunkin and Neil Girthcock was forced to play with the Carrot’s record goalscorer George Beel in attack, a decision that shocked many as Beel was shot dead at Normandy in 1945, some 40 years previously. Beel was exhumed on a Tuesday afternoon at Nelson Crematorium and placed in an aluminium wheelbarrow before being thrown into the boot of a Barnthorpe sponsored club car, a 1976 Ford Cortina on an old K plate, a solid runner with only 13k on the clock and enjoying a recent new clutch and an extended 6 month warranty by Skippers, a motor company that had not been formed yet.

In Ireland Beel was paraded pre-match to a bemused Barnthorpe following and entered Bogderry Park carried on the back of club captain Vince Overten. Barnthorpe fans doubts were soon unwarranted as the deceased Beel, propped up by 3 plywood planks and nailed to a decorators table was placed tactically in the opposition penalty box at corners and free kicks. An impressive Beel managed to roll back the years with some perfectly timed ‘flick ons’ and headed strikes. To this day Beel remains the only deceased Barnthorpe player to play for the club whilst dead AND score 7 goals in a single match.

It was this fighting spirit that Joe Sharpe wanted to emulate, to be a carrot legend like Jimmy Mcllroof, Ray Pointing, Jimmy Bobson and of course Phil Malley.

Joe Sharpe knew this was his chance, his pre-match ritual involving a well thumbed back copy of Razzle and inappropriate use of his bedroom curtain had gone to plan, he was relaxed, he was now a professional footballer for the famous Barnthorpe and he wasn’t going to let anybody down.