Jokes wanted....

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Sat Nov 16, 2019 11:08 pm

bartons baggage wrote:A bloke joins a forum and post just under 6000 messages in 12mnt.
Add your own punchline.

A bit harsh. He's a good guy.

Trust me - if a poster has been on here for 12 months and isn't on my 'w-ker list' - they are a decent human being.

Bosscat · Post by **Bosscat** » Sat Nov 16, 2019 11:17 pm

FactualFrank wrote:A bit harsh. He's a good guy.

Trust me - if a poster has been on here for 12 months and isn't on my 'w-ker list' - they are a decent human being.

I feel a tear welling in the corner of my eye Frank m8

bartons baggage · Post by **bartons baggage** » Sat Nov 16, 2019 11:19 pm

FactualFrank wrote:A bit harsh. He's a good guy.

Trust me - if a poster has been on here for 12 months and isn't on my 'w-ker list' - they are a decent human being.

Never said he was a wayne kerr.
And that is factual frank.

claretblue · Post by **claretblue** » Sat Nov 16, 2019 11:43 pm

there’s only so many jokes you can do about origami...so cut it out!

MACCA · Post by **MACCA** » Sun Nov 17, 2019 1:50 pm

Man - Doctor, I have a sh1t every day at 6.00 without fail.
Doctor - I dont see anything wrong with that, what's the issue?
Man I dont wake up until 7.00

Bosscat · Post by **Bosscat** » Sun Nov 17, 2019 2:02 pm

MACCA wrote:Man - Doctor, I have a sh1t every day at 6.00 without fail.
Doctor - I dont see anything wrong with that, what's the issue?
Man I dont wake up until 7.00

Not Friday night material but definitely Saturday Lunchtime pre Foory

Claret Toni · Post by **Claret Toni** » Sun Nov 17, 2019 2:58 pm

Bloke's involved in a serious car crash and, unconscious, is rushed into hospital.

When he comes round he notices that there's a vital piece missing, but a consultant's there and offers some comfort.

"Although, you'll be devastated, there's some good news. You're alive and you're in the only hospital in the country that does penile replacement".

The consultant goes on, "It just so happens that we have 3 replacements ready and waiting for surgery, just as soon as you make a decision - interested?"

"Tell me more" the new eunuch replies.

"I'm sure I don't have to spell out the reasoning, but we have an English replacement at £5,000, an Italian at £10,000 and a West Indian at £20,000".

"Before we spend that sort of money, my wife and I always discuss the finances - it's the way we live. I'll let you know after I've seen her", the bloke replies.

The following day the consultant pops in, and knowing that the blokes wife has been, asks which one it should be.

The bloke replies, "We've decided on a new kitchen".

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Sun Nov 17, 2019 3:03 pm

Just so you know, we're in a restaurant and I'm trying not to laugh my tits off. Thanks Toni!

ClaretCliff · Post by **ClaretCliff** » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:53 am

I was on a plane last week waiting to fly to the States when a gorgeous woman came on board and sat next to me. I was a bit flustered and blurted out "are you going on holiday?" . "No" she said, "I'm going to a sex conference and I'm giving a lecture on sexual myths". "What sort of myths" I said. She replied "well, for example, everyone thinks that West Indian men are the most well-endowed, but recent research has shown that in fact Native American men are the most well-endowed. Also, it is commonly thought that Italians are the randiest, but in fact Greek men have sex most frequently. And also, whilst most people think the French men are the most romantic lovers, it is in fact Irish men. ........ but I shouldn't be telling you all is, we've only just met and I don't even know your name!". "Its Tonto", I said, "Tonto Papadopoulous - but my mates call me Paddy"

houseboy · Post by **houseboy** » Mon Nov 18, 2019 1:05 pm

Bosscat wrote:Hi guys .....

I am running out of jokes for our regular friday quiz night ....

I run our rollover jackpot higher lower game and we always have a joke of the week. Which I tell after I tell them how much could be won and a ticket is drawn.

Thought I would see what our resident comedians could offer on UTC.

Not one liners or jokes that are too rude, but riske/naughty is good ........

Usually a build up with a (hopefully good) punchline.

Tonight am telling this one.... (as a sample of what I am looking for)

The wife and I love our cruises as you all know.

We were in the self service restaurant one morning and overheard an american couple at a table behind us.

The wife said in a husky southern drawl "hey Hank sweetypie pass me the Sugar Sugar"
He said "OK Darlene my angel babycakes here you are, and please could you pass me the Honey Honey"

The wife dug me in the ribs and said.... "Ere 'BC why dont you say romantic things like that to me eh"

Filling my plate with toast and scrambled eggs I turned to the mrs and smiled and said sweetly "OK ... why don't you pass me the Bacon you pi.... gooooowwwww!!!!!"

Is this too naughty:
The other day I caught my wife bending over the freezer and I must admit it looked very inviting. Not one to miss out on an opportunity I quickly moved in and started to 'do what comes naturally'. However I got in awful trouble because.......they take a very dim view of that in Tesco's.

houseboy · Post by **houseboy** » Mon Nov 18, 2019 1:11 pm

FactualFrank wrote:> 'Please enter new password'
= 'chicken'
> 'Sorry. Password must contain a capital'
= 'chickenkiev'

Yes yes yes. My kind of humour. Chicken bloody Kiev - runs off into the distance laughing uncontrollably.

Firthy · Post by **Firthy** » Mon Nov 18, 2019 2:30 pm

ClaretCliff wrote:I was on a plane last week waiting to fly to the States when a gorgeous woman came on board and sat next to me. I was a bit flustered and blurted out "are you going on holiday?" . "No" she said, "I'm going to a sex conference and I'm giving a lecture on sexual myths". "What sort of myths" I said. She replied "well, for example, everyone thinks that West Indian men are the most well-endowed, but recent research has shown that in fact Native American men are the most well-endowed. Also, it is commonly thought that Italians are the randiest, but in fact Greek men have sex most frequently. And also, whilst most people think the French men are the most romantic lovers, it is in fact Irish men. ........ but I shouldn't be telling you all is, we've only just met and I don't even know your name!". "Its Tonto", I said, "Tonto Papadopoulous - but my mates call me Paddy"

Never thought I'd laugh soo much at a written joke but the ending just cracked me up, still wiping the tears from my cheeks

dsr · Post by **dsr** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 12:54 am

The "bravery" thread brought this one to mind.

It's about an Irish football referee who died and was standing outside the Pearly Gates asking St Peter to be let in. St Peter said, "your record isn't really all that good; there's no real reason why we should let you in. But if you can tell me something really brave that you have done in life, we could stretch a point."

The referee said, "Well, I suppose there is the time I was reffing Rangers v. Celtic at Ibrox. It was probably a mistake to cross myself as I ran onto the pitch, I must say. But the game went well - nothing special, a broken leg or two, a man from each side sent off for fighting - and it was 0-0 just going into injury time when a Celtic man went over in the box; it looked a bit like a dive, but his heel was clipped and so I gave a penalty to Celtic, right in front of the home supporters. That's the bravest thing I ever did."

And St. Peter looked in his book and said "we don't have a record of that here. When was this?"

And the ref said "about 5 minutes ago.".

IanMcL · Post by **IanMcL** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 8:27 am

ClaretCliff wrote:I was on a plane last week waiting to fly to the States when a gorgeous woman came on board and sat next to me. I was a bit flustered and blurted out "are you going on holiday?" . "No" she said, "I'm going to a sex conference and I'm giving a lecture on sexual myths". "What sort of myths" I said. She replied "well, for example, everyone thinks that West Indian men are the most well-endowed, but recent research has shown that in fact Native American men are the most well-endowed. Also, it is commonly thought that Italians are the randiest, but in fact Greek men have sex most frequently. And also, whilst most people think the French men are the most romantic lovers, it is in fact Irish men. ........ but I shouldn't be telling you all is, we've only just met and I don't even know your name!". "Its Tonto", I said, "Tonto Papadopoulous - but my mates call me Paddy"

A cracker!

Well done ClaretCliff
Your pal
Geronimo Socrates O'Reilly

bfcjg · Post by **bfcjg** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 12:57 pm

Conjuntivitus.com thats a site for sore eyes.

Gerry Hattrick · Post by **Gerry Hattrick** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 2:53 pm

ClaretCliff wrote:
I was on a plane last week waiting to fly to the States when a gorgeous woman came on board and sat next to me. ............

Talking about planes....

Was on one last week when shortly after reaching cruising level, the pilot came on the intercom, as they do.
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen, Captain Slogg here. Welcome aboard flight ABC 123 to Mallorca where we expect to arrive on time at 1230. We’re looking forward to a nice smooth ride today as there’s no bad weather or turbulance forecast.
So sit back, relax , and enjoy your flig …………… ARGHH! ….. OH MY GOD!! ..... IT’S BURNING!!!
Then we went into a steep dive and dropped thousands of feet before it levelled out and gradually climbed back up again.

A few minutes after it levelled off the captain appeared at the cockpit door, mic in hand and said:-
“Ladies and gentlemen, sorry about the little incident we had a short while ago. It wasn't really anything to worry about and I hope it didn’t alarm you too much.
What happened was, I inadvertantly pushed the stick forward when one of the cabin crew brought me a steaming hot cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap As you can see it’s made rather a mess at the front of my trousers”.
And a fella a couple of rows back in a trembling voice said:- “Yeah, and if I stand up you’ll all be able to see the nastier mess it's made at the back of mine”

dsr · Post by **dsr** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 3:18 pm

And also about planes. There was a pilot at the end of a long haul to Australia who made the usual post-landing announcement about keeping seat belts fastened etc., and after he had finished he said to the co-pilot "and when I get off this plane I am going for a long pint of beer and then I will make mad, passionate love to that new red haired stewardess". Except that his mike didn't turn off and this was broadcast all through the plane. The red haired stewardess rushed forward to tell him his mike was on, and she tripped over an old lady's umbrella; as she sprawled on the floor the old lady looked down and said "there's no need to hurry, dear. I distinctly heard him say he was gong to have a beer first."

Cryssys · Post by **Cryssys** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 3:44 pm

Bloke arrives home one evening and says to his wife, "I bought a pack of Olympic Condoms today, there's gold one, a silver one and a bronze one."

Wife looks at him and says: "can we try the silver one tonight, it would be nice if you came second for a change."

Bfc · Post by **Bfc** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 4:06 pm

A man is driving along the motorway when his van breaks down. Paddy in his empty van sees his mate van ahead broken down and pulls in. Man says Paddy if I give you £50, will you loads these monkeys into your van and take them to the Zoo for me. Paddy says not a problem, load them up. He loaded them up and headed off. 2 hours later the man is still waiting for the AA to come out to him, when he sees Paddy heading in the opposite direction with the van load of monkeys. He waved Paddy down and said what are you doing with the van load of monkeys, I gave you £50 and told you to take them to the zoo. Paddy said, I did and I'd some money left, so I'm taking them to the pictures now

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 4:11 pm

I've just been interviewed for a job at a local workplace.

He asked, "Can you perform under pressure?"

I said, "I'm not sure, but I can do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!"

Tricky Trevor · Post by **Tricky Trevor** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 4:27 pm

An oldie but Goldie.
Tiger Woods is playing at Adare Manor in Co. Limerick and after morning practise he goes for a spin in his hired BMW. Later in the afternoon he stops to fill her up. The attendant comes out to take care of him, as Tiger steps out of the car a golf tee falls out of his pocket. The attendant picks it up, hands it back to Tiger and enquires what it is. Tiger replies “it’s for resting my balls on when I’m driving”. The stunned attendant comes back “Bejasus, those guys at BMW think of everything”

Bosscat · Post by **Bosscat** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 4:31 pm

Tricky Trevor wrote:An oldie but Goldie.
Tiger Woods is playing at Adare Manor in Co. Limerick and after morning practise he goes for a spin in his hired BMW. Later in the afternoon he stops to fill her up. The attendant comes out to take care of him, as Tiger steps out of the car a golf tee falls out of his pocket. The attendant picks it up, hands it back to Tiger and enquires what it is. Tiger replies “it’s for resting my balls on when I’m driving”. The stunned attendant comes back “Bejasus, those guys at BMW think of everything”

Have used that one m8 went down very well

bfcjg · Post by **bfcjg** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 7:17 pm

A fellow walks into a bar feeling very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?" The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it." A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks. The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back." The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!" The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Tue Nov 19, 2019 7:32 pm

The girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

Foulthrow · Post by **Foulthrow** » Sun Nov 24, 2019 9:01 pm

Paddy had a terrible stammer and couldn't always get his words out. Luckily he had his mate, Murphy, to help him.

Paddy came rushing in one day....

"Murphy, quick a need a para...."

Murphy says, "a paragraph?"

"No, you big eijit. A para,,,,,,,,"

"A parakeet?"

"Feck sake. No."

"A paralympian?"

"No! A para..."

"Paratrooper?" says Murphy.

"NO!"

"Wait, now, I've got it! It's a paramedic you need!"

"No, Murphy, a pair of underpants. I just sh*t me pants."

Claretlad · Post by **Claretlad** » Sun Nov 24, 2019 9:29 pm

Whats the difference between my m8 and a coconut.....you can get a drink out of a coconut..

WazzaClaret · Post by **WazzaClaret** » Sun Nov 24, 2019 9:56 pm

There was a bloke called Jimmy and everywhere he went he used to pull a toy tractor behind him. So he was in his local having his nightly pint when the landlord Paul says to him 'Jimmy why do you pull that thing behind you?' He replies 'well im just a massive fan of tractors, have been since i was a kid' Paul then told Jimmy 'I'd knock that on the head though if i were you, your 40 years old and women are avoiding you'.

Anyway Jimmy takes the Landlords advice and the next night he leaves his tractor at home and goes for his pint only to be greeted with the pub kitchen on fire. Jimmy runs in and sucks all the flames and smoke up the Landlord shouts 'CHRIST JIMMY HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?'
'I'm an ex tractor fan Paul'

IanMcL · Post by **IanMcL** » Sun Nov 24, 2019 10:14 pm

Was he from Ipswich?

Bosscat · Post by **Bosscat** » Sun Nov 24, 2019 10:16 pm

IanMcL wrote:Was he from Ipswich?

No he lives in Lowestoft....

But he was born in Ipswich

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Wed Nov 27, 2019 4:43 pm

A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally, a doctor says to him, "I believe I have found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asks, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replies, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."

The man is tired of his stuttering, so he agrees to the transplant. Several days later the doctor calls the man up and informs him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation is a success and the man can speak without any stutter.

At first, he is happy, but after a while, he begins to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it.

He finally goes back to his doctor and says, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back."

The doctor shakes his head and replies, "Tha...thaaa...that's im... immm... imm... po.. po.. impossible!"

Reckoner · Post by **Reckoner** » Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:18 pm

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

gsyclaret · Post by **gsyclaret** » Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:30 pm

My wife asked me how much I drank during one week, I said 10 pints on friday, 10 on saturday, 5 on Sunday and probably another 10 during the week, she then said how long have you been drinking, I said 40-45 years I suppose, she said if you had put that money into a high interest account you would have benn able to buy an airoplane, I said wow that's interesting, then I asked her how much she drank a week, she replied I don't drink, so I said well where's your effin airoplane.

MrTopTier · Post by **MrTopTier** » Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:39 pm

Black Friday is a right con, I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon, and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.

MrTopTier · Post by **MrTopTier** » Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:43 pm

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

In Dubai they don't like the flinstones...

But Abudhabidoooo!

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:51 pm

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe.

boyyanno · Post by **boyyanno** » Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:52 pm

Really bad one but:

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.

"Is Fred home"? he asked the woman who answered the door.

"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day, the collector tried again.

"Is Fred here today"?

"No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day, he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again"?

"No," the woman answered solemnly. "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:

"Gone, but not for cotton."

Clarets4me · Post by **Clarets4me** » Wed Nov 27, 2019 5:55 pm

Prince Andrew and Jeremy Corbyn met up at a drinks reception last Tuesday .....

JC : You look a bit glum !
PA : Do you blame me ! I've just performed dreadfully in the most appallingly misjudged interview ever seen on British Television !
JC : Hold my beer ....

Burnley1989 · Post by **Burnley1989** » Wed Nov 27, 2019 6:04 pm

Me: I think I have a crush on Beyoncé

Her: Whatever floats your boat

Me: No, that's buoyancy

MrTopTier · Post by **MrTopTier** » Wed Nov 27, 2019 6:05 pm

Quiz .which is the odd one out .

Question 1. If you cut 20,000 police officers then employ 20,000 police officers how many more police do you have?

Question 2. If you promise to build 200,000 homes under the affordable housing scheme then don't build any how many have you built?

Question 3. If you say you're building 40 new hospitals, but only really have funding to renovate 6 existing hospitals how many new hospitals are you really building?

Question. 4 .common name for the Japanese Mitsubishi A6M3 model 22 WWII fighter plane?

Although the answer is zero to all 4 questions the odd one out is the plane because the Japaneses actually made 10,939 of those.

Vintage Claret · Post by **Vintage Claret** » Wed Nov 27, 2019 8:20 pm

I went on a positive thinking course last week.... it was shite, I knew it would be

Bosscat · Post by **Bosscat** » Thu Nov 28, 2019 1:02 pm

: science-teacher.jpg (42.75 KiB) Viewed 2201 times

Tricky Trevor · Post by **Tricky Trevor** » Sat Dec 07, 2019 10:36 am

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!"
Walter replied, "Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"

Mala591 · Post by **Mala591** » Sat Dec 07, 2019 11:19 am

What is the only advantage of being a dwarf?

When it starts raining you are the last one to get wet

The Enclosure · Post by **The Enclosure** » Sat Dec 07, 2019 3:56 pm

Half the Burnley team today.

SGr · Post by **SGr** » Sat Dec 07, 2019 4:19 pm

Matt Lowton's 1v1 defending.

SGr · Post by **SGr** » Sat Dec 07, 2019 4:26 pm

Get your money on Dwight being declared "touch and go" on Thursday.

Firthy · Post by **Firthy** » Sat Dec 07, 2019 6:02 pm

Mala591 wrote: ↑
Sat Dec 07, 2019 11:19 am
What is the only advantage of being a dwarf?

When it starts raining you are the last one to get wet

And the first one to drown

aclaretinstevenage · Post by **aclaretinstevenage** » Sat Dec 07, 2019 7:13 pm

I bought a Jehovas Witness Advent Calendar, every time I open a door it tells me to f*** off.

Foreverly Claret · Post by **Foreverly Claret** » Sat Dec 07, 2019 10:46 pm

Glad to see this thread is still going...I needed a good laugh tonight.

Tramp ambling down the road Knows he's in dire need of a good dump.

Nips over a garden wall,drops his kecks crouches to begin his job.

MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH...from behind.

Turning round in panic..NOBODY there...ups his kecks and gets out quick.

Every time he goes for a crap in a field or a garden the same happens and he thinks he's going mad so in desperation he goes to see a doctor and explains what is happening.

The doc gives him a real going over and can't find anything seriously wrong with the guy but he looks quite skinny and forlorn and doc is feeling a bit sorry for him.

Doc:How long is it since you had a square meal my friend ?

Tramp : Oh I rarely get a square meal.

Doc : THAT'S IT ! YOUR ARSE IS EATING THE GRASS !!!!

Claret · Post by **Claret** » Sat Dec 07, 2019 11:03 pm

(This is one I read on this board ages ago)
I was masturbating earlier today when a strange woman came up to the window and began staring at me! I was shocked. She just stood there staring at me so I decided to just ignore her and carry on. She then began knocking on the window. I continued and simply ignored her. Eventually she shouted: “get out of my garden you dirty basterd”