Jokes wanted....

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Millertime v1.7
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by Millertime v1.7 » Sat Dec 07, 2019 11:17 pm

Why did Jeremy Beadle lose at poker?
He had a crap hand.

I'm here till 2am lads

Pstotto
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by Pstotto » Sun Dec 08, 2019 5:45 pm

"Knock knock".

"Who's there"?

"Who the hell do you think it is? Sorry, Dawn"...

Aclaret
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by Aclaret » Sun Dec 08, 2019 6:14 pm

Pstotto wrote:
Sun Dec 08, 2019 5:45 pm
"Knock knock".

"Who's there"?

"Who the hell do you think it is? Sorry, Dawn"...
:lol: :lol: its the way you tell em.

FactualFrank
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by FactualFrank » Sun Dec 08, 2019 6:43 pm

Girlfriend: "Do these jeans make me look fat?"
Me: "Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?"
Girlfriend: "Yes I promise."
Me: "I slept with your sister."
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tim_noone
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by tim_noone » Sun Dec 08, 2019 9:28 pm

Sorry but Burnley have got to be up there.... son rehearsed that third goal minutes earlier with the exact same run...but leaving Lucas to score. What a Joke!

Pstotto
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by Pstotto » Mon Dec 09, 2019 4:58 pm

I'll admit, it's a joke that requires specialist knowledge (1970's lousy hits) to appreciate...

FactualFrank
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by FactualFrank » Mon Dec 09, 2019 5:03 pm

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said: "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son" I said. "You're not my dad!"

He replied, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
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Aclaret
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by Aclaret » Mon Dec 09, 2019 5:41 pm

" Dont mention Son "

Vintage Claret
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by Vintage Claret » Tue Dec 10, 2019 1:03 pm

What is a cowboys favourite car?

"Audi"

Marney&Mee
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by Marney&Mee » Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:51 pm

Foreverly Claret wrote:
Sat Dec 07, 2019 10:46 pm
Glad to see this thread is still going...I needed a good laugh tonight.

Tramp ambling down the road Knows he's in dire need of a good dump.

Nips over a garden wall,drops his kecks crouches to begin his job.

MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH...from behind.

Turning round in panic..NOBODY there...ups his kecks and gets out quick.

Every time he goes for a crap in a field or a garden the same happens and he thinks he's going mad so in desperation he goes to see a doctor and explains what is happening.

The doc gives him a real going over and can't find anything seriously wrong with the guy but he looks quite skinny and forlorn and doc is feeling a bit sorry for him.

Doc:How long is it since you had a square meal my friend ?

Tramp : Oh I rarely get a square meal.

Doc : THAT'S IT ! YOUR ARSE IS EATING THE GRASS !!!!
Nope, I've read this several times and still don't get it ! Is it actually a joke or merely a long collection of words ?
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Bosscat
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by Bosscat » Tue Dec 10, 2019 3:28 pm

Marney&Mee wrote:
Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:51 pm
Nope, I've read this several times and still don't get it ! Is it actually a joke or merely a long collection of words ?
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Thought I was going senile m8 as I couldn't get that one either....

I thought it was going to be the one where the bloke was coming home late one night rather drunk from the pub and was caught short needing a large poo, he jumped over a wall and dropped his pants.... heaved and strained a couple of times and evacuated his heaving bowels.... He turned round after having the huge dump only to find nothing there.... ????? He thought and went home perplexed.

He returned a week later because he knew something must be there and he couldn't rest ...

He was looking round and a man shouted from the window "wtf you doing in my garden".
Quick as a flash he said "looking for my kids ball he lost it last week...."

The man in the window said "huh you think you've got problems..."

"The wifes not speaking to me or the kids, the kids are not speaking to me or the Wife, I'm not speaking to the Wife , kids or in-laws... All because one night some **** shat on our Tortoise and it came in the kitchen next morning looking like a Vikings Helmet"

wilks_bfc
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by wilks_bfc » Tue Dec 10, 2019 4:08 pm

Marney&Mee wrote:
Tue Dec 10, 2019 2:51 pm
Nope, I've read this several times and still don't get it ! Is it actually a joke or merely a long collection of words ?

I'm glad somebody else has asked that question, coz I didn't want to be the one to admit not understanding it

FactualFrank
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by FactualFrank » Tue Dec 10, 2019 4:24 pm

My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.

But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug.

Tricky Trevor
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by Tricky Trevor » Tue Dec 10, 2019 4:26 pm

Bosscat wrote:
Tue Dec 10, 2019 3:28 pm
He turned round after having the huge dump only to find nothing there.... ?
A former colleague had worked down the pits. He told us one of their windups was to shove a shovel under the newbies arse whilst they were thrutching in the dark. Then withdraw it whilst they pulled their pants up. They were left baffled when it had disappeared.

JBCLARETS
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by JBCLARETS » Tue Dec 10, 2019 4:28 pm

XMAS DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED:

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin you brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth.

There you have it !! ICE is F***I** lethal. Warn all your friends. Lay off the ice, just drink it straight!! And don't forget what it did to the Titanic!!!!

Tricky Trevor
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by Tricky Trevor » Tue Dec 24, 2019 11:26 am

Another oldie but goldie I've just been reminded of.

A young man called Chris wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal ..
Off he went with his sister shopping and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.
His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
They had them gift wrapped but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Tracy,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to clean it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing!!...

MACCA
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by MACCA » Tue Dec 24, 2019 8:20 pm

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is just the taste....

FactualFrank
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by FactualFrank » Sun Jan 05, 2020 5:51 pm

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.

While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe.

The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked......her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him......... 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'

'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural... I work out every day and my arse is firm and solid... I have a 28-inch waist... Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere!!!!'

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming - that was me.'
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MrTopTier
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by MrTopTier » Sun Jan 05, 2020 8:27 pm

I have some racing geese for sale. Pop round if you want a quick gander.

RingoMcCartney
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by RingoMcCartney » Sun Jan 05, 2020 11:23 pm

The dyslexic devil worshipper.

Sold his soul to Santa

MrTopTier
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by MrTopTier » Mon Jan 06, 2020 6:51 pm

I am fat, but I identify as slim. I’m translender.
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ŽižkovClaret
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Re: Jokes wanted....

Post by ŽižkovClaret » Mon Jan 06, 2020 7:31 pm

Lad i know has started inhaling helium as its cheaper than heroin and he's trying to get clean
I asked him, do you get high?

He said, kinda but the ceiling gets in the way

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