Jokes wanted....
Jokes wanted....
Hi guys .....
I am running out of jokes for our regular friday quiz night ....
I run our rollover jackpot higher lower game and we always have a joke of the week. Which I tell after I tell them how much could be won and a ticket is drawn.
Thought I would see what our resident comedians could offer on UTC.
Not one liners or jokes that are too rude, but riske/naughty is good ........
Usually a build up with a (hopefully good) punchline.
Tonight am telling this one.... (as a sample of what I am looking for)
The wife and I love our cruises as you all know.
We were in the self service restaurant one morning and overheard an american couple at a table behind us.
The wife said in a husky southern drawl "hey Hank sweetypie pass me the Sugar Sugar"
He said "OK Darlene my angel babycakes here you are, and please could you pass me the Honey Honey"
The wife dug me in the ribs and said.... "Ere 'BC why dont you say romantic things like that to me eh"
Filling my plate with toast and scrambled eggs I turned to the mrs and smiled and said sweetly "OK ... why don't you pass me the Bacon you pi.... gooooowwwww!!!!!"
I am running out of jokes for our regular friday quiz night ....
I run our rollover jackpot higher lower game and we always have a joke of the week. Which I tell after I tell them how much could be won and a ticket is drawn.
Thought I would see what our resident comedians could offer on UTC.
Not one liners or jokes that are too rude, but riske/naughty is good ........
Usually a build up with a (hopefully good) punchline.
Tonight am telling this one.... (as a sample of what I am looking for)
The wife and I love our cruises as you all know.
We were in the self service restaurant one morning and overheard an american couple at a table behind us.
The wife said in a husky southern drawl "hey Hank sweetypie pass me the Sugar Sugar"
He said "OK Darlene my angel babycakes here you are, and please could you pass me the Honey Honey"
The wife dug me in the ribs and said.... "Ere 'BC why dont you say romantic things like that to me eh"
Filling my plate with toast and scrambled eggs I turned to the mrs and smiled and said sweetly "OK ... why don't you pass me the Bacon you pi.... gooooowwwww!!!!!"
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Where’s the quiz?
Re: Jokes wanted....
At our village pub The Boars Head m8 in Long Preston...Bertiebeehead wrote:Where’s the quiz?
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Re: Jokes wanted....
My wife gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Yup could expand that a bit .....FactualFrank wrote:My wife gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Thanks, just wanted to make sure I avoided it with gags like that.Bosscat wrote:At our village pub The Boars Head m8 in Long Preston...
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Re: Jokes wanted....
How can you tell when someone is dyslexic? They always have a cat flap on there head.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Two old ladies coming away frim chapel were discussing the new minister.
Hes a bit loud said Gwen .What? he's shouts a lot
What? BAWLS LIKE A BULL.Has He?
Hes a bit loud said Gwen .What? he's shouts a lot
What? BAWLS LIKE A BULL.Has He?
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Re: Jokes wanted....
> 'Please enter new password'
= 'chicken'
> 'Sorry. Password must contain a capital'
= 'chickenkiev'
= 'chicken'
> 'Sorry. Password must contain a capital'
= 'chickenkiev'
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
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Re: Jokes wanted....
I got a dig bick.
You that read wrong.
I bet you read that wrong too!
You that read wrong.
I bet you read that wrong too!
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Re: Jokes wanted....
ExcellentMrTopTier wrote:Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Bosscat. I'd come but I'm noshing in the Maypole.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
This joke has to told in a geordie accent to be funny.
Geordie visits his doctor. "Doctor, my wifes fannie tastes of coconut"
Doctor replies "Why it's Bounty"
Geordie visits his doctor. "Doctor, my wifes fannie tastes of coconut"
Doctor replies "Why it's Bounty"
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Re: Jokes wanted....
A new chain of female gender reassignment clinics are opening all over the UK.
They are called Gashconverters.
They are called Gashconverters.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
I farted in Burger King the other day. It was a Whopper.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
My wife said if I don't tidy up the house she's going to knock me on the head and chuck my body down the deep hole we have the garden. She means well.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Bloke on holiday in Yorkshire sees a bloke bending over a sheep, so he says 'Are you shearing'?' to which the reply was 'No, get your own...'
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Re: Jokes wanted....
In which country do sheep fall from the sky?
Bahrain.
I went train spotting once.
It was really easy, they are absolutely massive and make loads of noise.
I recently learned to speak Apache.
It's easy when you know How.
Bahrain.
I went train spotting once.
It was really easy, they are absolutely massive and make loads of noise.
I recently learned to speak Apache.
It's easy when you know How.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Got terars rolling down my cheeks with that oneRodneyyouplonker wrote:How can you tell when someone is dyslexic? They always have a cat flap on there head.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Not in the Bar please its a family pub m8beddie wrote:Bosscat. I'd come but I'm noshing in the Maypole.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Pastor Bob and Pastor Fred met for their weekly Monday morning coffee.
Pastor Bob says to Pastor Fred, "I have a heavy heart.I think someone from my congregation stole my bike and I don't know what to do"
Pastor Fred says, "Easy. Just Preach the 10 commandments at your next sermon. When you get to "Thou Shall not steal", bear down on those words and the person in the congregations heart shall be changed and you will get your bike back.
So a week passes and they met again the next Monday for coffee.
Pastor Fred says, "Did my advice work? Did you get your bike back?"
Pastor Bob says, " I sure did. When going through the 10 commandments, when I got to "thou shall not commit adultery" I remembered where I left my bike"
Pastor Bob says to Pastor Fred, "I have a heavy heart.I think someone from my congregation stole my bike and I don't know what to do"
Pastor Fred says, "Easy. Just Preach the 10 commandments at your next sermon. When you get to "Thou Shall not steal", bear down on those words and the person in the congregations heart shall be changed and you will get your bike back.
So a week passes and they met again the next Monday for coffee.
Pastor Fred says, "Did my advice work? Did you get your bike back?"
Pastor Bob says, " I sure did. When going through the 10 commandments, when I got to "thou shall not commit adultery" I remembered where I left my bike"
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Who's the Landlord there AO?Bosscat wrote:At our village pub The Boars Head m8 in Long Preston...
Re: Jokes wanted....
Lad called Craig ... Derek who used to be front of house now lives in Spain retired tgere with his Mrs 3 years ago.MACCA wrote:Who's the Landlord there AO?
He still provides our quiz on a Frisay night though ...
We joke we have 3 answers in the Quiz.
Right answers
Wrong answers
And
Dereks answers....
Its always a good laugh and not taken too seriously
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Re: Jokes wanted....
The Labour Party
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Re: Jokes wanted....
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Pop one in the microwave until the Bill Withers.....
Pop one in the microwave until the Bill Withers.....
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Re: Jokes wanted....
My wife and I have decided to go down the adoption route and have discussed our preferences. She wants a girl and I want a Snow Leopard.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
VAR.
Re: Jokes wanted....
I went on Google looking for cigarette lighters.
I ended up with 15,000 matches.
I ended up with 15,000 matches.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
A woman goes to the doctor with bruises to her face. Doctor asks her what happened. She says “ I don’t know what to do, every time my husband comes home drunk he slaps me around “ “ I’ll cure that “ says the doc “ when he comes home drunk, take a glass of water & start swishing it around in your mouth until he goes to sleep “ 2 weeks later the woman goes back looking fresh” “ brilliant doctor “ she says “ every time he comes home drunk, i swished with water till he went to sleep & he didn’t touch me.
How does that work ? “ Doctor says “ the water does fcuk all love, it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick “
How does that work ? “ Doctor says “ the water does fcuk all love, it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick “
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Re: Jokes wanted....
A linguistics professor was giving a lecture:
He said, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative”.
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
He said, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative”.
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
I used to play the triangle for a local band but had to leave through stress........ it was just one ting after another
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Cheers MrTT this was tonights jokeMrTopTier wrote:Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
I am saving the one I was going to do.
It was greeted with laughter m8 thank you
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Re: Jokes wanted....
A man is driving his car when he's stopped by a police officer.
Officer: "You were going at least 50mph in a 30 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 30."
Wife: "Harry. You were doing nearly 60."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken brake light."
Man: "Broken brake light? I didn't know about any broken brake light!"
Wife: "Harry, you've known about that brake light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a caution for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took that off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and shouts, "Just shut your damn mouth!"
The officer looks at the wife and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife replies, "No, only when he's drunk."
Officer: "You were going at least 50mph in a 30 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 30."
Wife: "Harry. You were doing nearly 60."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken brake light."
Man: "Broken brake light? I didn't know about any broken brake light!"
Wife: "Harry, you've known about that brake light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a caution for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took that off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and shouts, "Just shut your damn mouth!"
The officer looks at the wife and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife replies, "No, only when he's drunk."
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Re: Jokes wanted....
I said to the baker, "why is that cake £1 when all the rest are 50p?"
He said, "that's Madeira cake".
He said, "that's Madeira cake".
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Re: Jokes wanted....
I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Oh, I thought you stopped that because the Origami School folded.FactualFrank wrote:I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.
UTC!
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Re: Jokes wanted....
I did, but I stopped it because Sky won the rights to show the World Origami Championship. Unfortunately it was only on paper view.Duffer_ wrote:Oh, I thought you stopped that because the Origami School folded.
UTC!
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Doing Origami makes me laugh.FactualFrank wrote:I did, but I stopped it because Sky won the rights to show the World Origami Championship. Unfortunately it was only on paper view.
It always has me in creases.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
that creased me up!FactualFrank wrote:I did, but I stopped it because Sky won the rights to show the World Origami Championship. Unfortunately it was only on paper view.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Bloke went to the doctors complaining that every time he had a crap it came out like chips. Doctor gave him laxatives and said come back next week. Week after came back same problem so doctor gave him a stronger dose and to come back in a week. Week later comes back same problem still coming out like chips so doctor decides to do a thorough examination. Bloke rags off and goes into examination room doctor looks him all over leaves room comes back in and says you should be ok now bloke says no pills no operation ? Doctor says no come back tomorrow and let me know what happens. Bloke comes back day after and says doctor you are a genius last two craps were perfect turds what did you do ? Doctor looks at him and says I just cut six inch of your string vest.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
I went for a job interview, and the employer says 'What's your biggest weakness?'
'My honesty' I said.
Employer: 'I don't see that as a weakness'.
Me: 'I don't give a fvck what you think.'
'My honesty' I said.
Employer: 'I don't see that as a weakness'.
Me: 'I don't give a fvck what you think.'
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Re: Jokes wanted....
A bloke joins a forum and post just under 6000 messages in 12mnt.Bosscat wrote:Hi guys .....
I am running out of jokes for our regular friday quiz night ....
I run our rollover jackpot higher lower game and we always have a joke of the week. Which I tell after I tell them how much could be won and a ticket is drawn.
Thought I would see what our resident comedians could offer on UTC.
Not one liners or jokes that are too rude, but riske/naughty is good ........
Usually a build up with a (hopefully good) punchline.
Tonight am telling this one.... (as a sample of what I am looking for)
The wife and I love our cruises as you all know.
We were in the self service restaurant one morning and overheard an american couple at a table behind us.
The wife said in a husky southern drawl "hey Hank sweetypie pass me the Sugar Sugar"
He said "OK Darlene my angel babycakes here you are, and please could you pass me the Honey Honey"
The wife dug me in the ribs and said.... "Ere 'BC why dont you say romantic things like that to me eh"
Filling my plate with toast and scrambled eggs I turned to the mrs and smiled and said sweetly "OK ... why don't you pass me the Bacon you pi.... gooooowwwww!!!!!"
Add your own punchline.
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Re: Jokes wanted....
He thinks Bartons Ballbag is a **** .bartons baggage wrote:A bloke joins a forum and post just under 6000 messages in 12mnt.
Add your own punchline.
Hows that for ya you soft bugger
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Re: Jokes wanted....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk71bPz5VLo" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Two nuns in the bath.
First Nun : Wheres the soap ?
Second Nun : Certainly does !!
Bloke goes to the doctor.
Doctor I want Castrating
That seems very extreme.Are you sure ?
Yes doctor I want castrating.
So he gets his wish and as he's coming round after the op the bloke in the next bed is moaning like hell. The consultant comes to inspect his work and the bloke says what the hell is wrong with him in the next bed ? Consultant says..Oh he''s just had a circumcision .Bloke Oh ! bloody hell that's the word I was looking for !!!!
First Nun : Wheres the soap ?
Second Nun : Certainly does !!
Bloke goes to the doctor.
Doctor I want Castrating
That seems very extreme.Are you sure ?
Yes doctor I want castrating.
So he gets his wish and as he's coming round after the op the bloke in the next bed is moaning like hell. The consultant comes to inspect his work and the bloke says what the hell is wrong with him in the next bed ? Consultant says..Oh he''s just had a circumcision .Bloke Oh ! bloody hell that's the word I was looking for !!!!
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Re: Jokes wanted....
I see some graffiti artist has been at it in the men's toilet
Half of the women in this pub / club have got TB
The other half have got VD
Make sure you get one that coughs !!!
Half of the women in this pub / club have got TB
The other half have got VD
Make sure you get one that coughs !!!
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Re: Jokes wanted....
Pat bumps into Mick in the street and notices lots of scratches all round his chin and lips.
Pat :Bloody hell Mick what have you been doing to get in a mess like that ?
Mick : I'm learning to eat with a fork !!
Pat :Bloody hell Mick what have you been doing to get in a mess like that ?
Mick : I'm learning to eat with a fork !!