Hi guys .....

I am running out of jokes for our regular friday quiz night ....

I run our rollover jackpot higher lower game and we always have a joke of the week. Which I tell after I tell them how much could be won and a ticket is drawn.

Thought I would see what our resident comedians could offer on UTC.

Not one liners or jokes that are too rude, but riske/naughty is good ........

Usually a build up with a (hopefully good) punchline.

Tonight am telling this one.... (as a sample of what I am looking for)

The wife and I love our cruises as you all know.

We were in the self service restaurant one morning and overheard an american couple at a table behind us.

The wife said in a husky southern drawl "hey Hank sweetypie pass me the Sugar Sugar"
He said "OK Darlene my angel babycakes here you are, and please could you pass me the Honey Honey"

The wife dug me in the ribs and said.... "Ere 'BC why dont you say romantic things like that to me eh"

Filling my plate with toast and scrambled eggs I turned to the mrs and smiled and said sweetly "OK ... why don't you pass me the Bacon you pi.... gooooowwwww!!!!!"

Where’s the quiz?

Bertiebeehead wrote:Where’s the quiz?

At our village pub The Boars Head m8 in Long Preston...

My wife gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”

FactualFrank wrote:My wife gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”

Yup could expand that a bit .....

Bosscat wrote:At our village pub The Boars Head m8 in Long Preston...

Thanks, just wanted to make sure I avoided it with gags like that.

How can you tell when someone is dyslexic? They always have a cat flap on there head.

Two old ladies coming away frim chapel were discussing the new minister.
Hes a bit loud said Gwen .What? he's shouts a lot
What? BAWLS LIKE A BULL.Has He?

> 'Please enter new password'
= 'chicken'
> 'Sorry. Password must contain a capital'
= 'chickenkiev'

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"

I got a dig bick.

You that read wrong.

I bet you read that wrong too!

MrTopTier wrote:Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"

Excellent

Bosscat. I'd come but I'm noshing in the Maypole.

This joke has to told in a geordie accent to be funny.

Geordie visits his doctor. "Doctor, my wifes fannie tastes of coconut"

Doctor replies "Why it's Bounty"

A new chain of female gender reassignment clinics are opening all over the UK.

They are called Gashconverters.

I farted in Burger King the other day. It was a Whopper.

My wife said if I don't tidy up the house she's going to knock me on the head and chuck my body down the deep hole we have the garden. She means well.

Bloke on holiday in Yorkshire sees a bloke bending over a sheep, so he says 'Are you shearing'?' to which the reply was 'No, get your own...'

In which country do sheep fall from the sky?
Bahrain.

I went train spotting once.
It was really easy, they are absolutely massive and make loads of noise.

I recently learned to speak Apache.
It's easy when you know How.

Rodneyyouplonker wrote:How can you tell when someone is dyslexic? They always have a cat flap on there head.

Got terars rolling down my cheeks with that one

beddie wrote:Bosscat. I'd come but I'm noshing in the Maypole.

Not in the Bar please its a family pub m8

Pastor Bob and Pastor Fred met for their weekly Monday morning coffee.
Pastor Bob says to Pastor Fred, "I have a heavy heart.I think someone from my congregation stole my bike and I don't know what to do"
Pastor Fred says, "Easy. Just Preach the 10 commandments at your next sermon. When you get to "Thou Shall not steal", bear down on those words and the person in the congregations heart shall be changed and you will get your bike back.
So a week passes and they met again the next Monday for coffee.
Pastor Fred says, "Did my advice work? Did you get your bike back?"
Pastor Bob says, " I sure did. When going through the 10 commandments, when I got to "thou shall not commit adultery" I remembered where I left my bike"

Bosscat wrote:At our village pub The Boars Head m8 in Long Preston...

Who's the Landlord there AO?

MACCA wrote:Who's the Landlord there AO?

Lad called Craig ... Derek who used to be front of house now lives in Spain retired tgere with his Mrs 3 years ago.

He still provides our quiz on a Frisay night though ...

We joke we have 3 answers in the Quiz.
Right answers
Wrong answers
And
Dereks answers....

Its always a good laugh and not taken too seriously

The Labour Party

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Pop one in the microwave until the Bill Withers.....

My wife and I have decided to go down the adoption route and have discussed our preferences. She wants a girl and I want a Snow Leopard.

VAR.

I went on Google looking for cigarette lighters.

I ended up with 15,000 matches.

A woman goes to the doctor with bruises to her face. Doctor asks her what happened. She says “ I don’t know what to do, every time my husband comes home drunk he slaps me around “ “ I’ll cure that “ says the doc “ when he comes home drunk, take a glass of water & start swishing it around in your mouth until he goes to sleep “ 2 weeks later the woman goes back looking fresh” “ brilliant doctor “ she says “ every time he comes home drunk, i swished with water till he went to sleep & he didn’t touch me.
How does that work ? “ Doctor says “ the water does fcuk all love, it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick “

A linguistics professor was giving a lecture:
He said, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative”.
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.

I used to play the triangle for a local band but had to leave through stress........ it was just one ting after another

MrTopTier wrote:Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"

Cheers MrTT this was tonights joke

I am saving the one I was going to do.

It was greeted with laughter m8 thank you

A man is driving his car when he's stopped by a police officer.

Officer: "You were going at least 50mph in a 30 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 30."
Wife: "Harry. You were doing nearly 60."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken brake light."
Man: "Broken brake light? I didn't know about any broken brake light!"
Wife: "Harry, you've known about that brake light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a caution for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took that off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

The man turns to his wife and shouts, "Just shut your damn mouth!"

The officer looks at the wife and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife replies, "No, only when he's drunk."

I said to the baker, "why is that cake £1 when all the rest are 50p?"

He said, "that's Madeira cake".

I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.

FactualFrank wrote:I hated my job as an origami teacher. Too much paperwork.

Oh, I thought you stopped that because the Origami School folded.

UTC!

Duffer_ wrote:Oh, I thought you stopped that because the Origami School folded.

UTC!

I did, but I stopped it because Sky won the rights to show the World Origami Championship. Unfortunately it was only on paper view.

FactualFrank wrote:I did, but I stopped it because Sky won the rights to show the World Origami Championship. Unfortunately it was only on paper view.

Doing Origami makes me laugh.
It always has me in creases.

FactualFrank wrote:I did, but I stopped it because Sky won the rights to show the World Origami Championship. Unfortunately it was only on paper view.

that creased me up!

Bloke went to the doctors complaining that every time he had a crap it came out like chips. Doctor gave him laxatives and said come back next week. Week after came back same problem so doctor gave him a stronger dose and to come back in a week. Week later comes back same problem still coming out like chips so doctor decides to do a thorough examination. Bloke rags off and goes into examination room doctor looks him all over leaves room comes back in and says you should be ok now bloke says no pills no operation ? Doctor says no come back tomorrow and let me know what happens. Bloke comes back day after and says doctor you are a genius last two craps were perfect turds what did you do ? Doctor looks at him and says I just cut six inch of your string vest.

I went for a job interview, and the employer says 'What's your biggest weakness?'
'My honesty' I said.
Employer: 'I don't see that as a weakness'.
Me: 'I don't give a fvck what you think.'

Prince Andrew.....I knew nothing....

Bosscat wrote:Hi guys .....

I am running out of jokes for our regular friday quiz night ....

I run our rollover jackpot higher lower game and we always have a joke of the week. Which I tell after I tell them how much could be won and a ticket is drawn.

Thought I would see what our resident comedians could offer on UTC.

Not one liners or jokes that are too rude, but riske/naughty is good ........

Usually a build up with a (hopefully good) punchline.

Tonight am telling this one.... (as a sample of what I am looking for)

The wife and I love our cruises as you all know.

We were in the self service restaurant one morning and overheard an american couple at a table behind us.

The wife said in a husky southern drawl "hey Hank sweetypie pass me the Sugar Sugar"
He said "OK Darlene my angel babycakes here you are, and please could you pass me the Honey Honey"

The wife dug me in the ribs and said.... "Ere 'BC why dont you say romantic things like that to me eh"

Filling my plate with toast and scrambled eggs I turned to the mrs and smiled and said sweetly "OK ... why don't you pass me the Bacon you pi.... gooooowwwww!!!!!"

A bloke joins a forum and post just under 6000 messages in 12mnt.
Add your own punchline.

bartons baggage wrote:A bloke joins a forum and post just under 6000 messages in 12mnt.
Add your own punchline.

He thinks Bartons Ballbag is a **** .


Hows that for ya you soft bugger

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jk71bPz5VLo" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Two nuns in the bath.

First Nun : Wheres the soap ?

Second Nun : Certainly does !!

Bloke goes to the doctor.

Doctor I want Castrating

That seems very extreme.Are you sure ?

Yes doctor I want castrating.

So he gets his wish and as he's coming round after the op the bloke in the next bed is moaning like hell. The consultant comes to inspect his work and the bloke says what the hell is wrong with him in the next bed ? Consultant says..Oh he''s just had a circumcision .Bloke Oh ! bloody hell that's the word I was looking for !!!!

I see some graffiti artist has been at it in the men's toilet

Half of the women in this pub / club have got TB

The other half have got VD

Make sure you get one that coughs !!!

Pat bumps into Mick in the street and notices lots of scratches all round his chin and lips.

Pat :Bloody hell Mick what have you been doing to get in a mess like that ?

Mick : I'm learning to eat with a fork !!