With little football for at least this week, let's have your festive funnies and crimbo cringers...?? I'll start:

Just picked up a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi for Christmas, it's great, it comes with Aldi Kings Horses and Aldi Kings men...

I feel sorry for the dyslexic Elf who sold his soul to Satan.

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year

I bought a Travelodge advent calendar.

There is chocolates in it but you can't open any of the windows.

my favourite.

DukeOfBar wrote: ↑

Sun Dec 19, 2021 6:53 pm

With little football for at least this week, let's have your festive funnies and crimbo cringers...?? I'll start:

Just picked up a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi for Christmas, it's great, it comes with Aldi Kings Horses and Aldi Kings men...

We nipped up the road and got a Lidl Donkey

Just bought the wife a wooden leg for christmas
It's not her main present.
Just a stocking filler

today's try as we get closer to the big day

last one for today and two left for Thursday & Friday each.

I think I better inform the wife.

Last one from me (can hear the clapping form here) save the best for last was what my father taught me lol

Merry Christmas everyone wanting a laugh

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.
Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Mcginn 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down...

I got sent off after 12 minutes"

One from Billy Connolly I’ve just read, tickled me.

“A mate of mine told me he is shagging his girlfriend and her twin”
I said “How can you tell them apart?”
He said, “Her brother has a moustache”

A rather rich Yorkshireman is mourning the loss of his pet Whippet Freddie.

He decides to have it memorialized by getting a statue made of it.
He goes into a jewellers with at photo and asks for a gold statue of his beloved whippets likeness.

The jeweler asks him, "Do you want it 18 carat?"

He replies, "No, I want it chewin a bone, yer daft bugger!"

What a great idea...

Oh the grand old Duke of York,
He borrowed 12 million quid,
He gave it away to someone he never met,
For something he never did.

Stickers wrote: ↑

Wed Feb 16, 2022 5:08 pm

Oh the grand old Duke of York,
He borrowed 12 million quid,
He gave it away to someone he never met,
For something he never did.

And when he was up, he was [not up because he had never met her so there can have been no penetration]
And when the was down he was [past caring as he knew that he wasn't going to have to pay it out of his own pocket]
And when he was only halfway up he was [stripped of all his unearned titles and patronage so with luck that is the last that we will ever have to hear of him]