Good jokes
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Re: Good jokes
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Re: Good jokes
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Re: Good jokes
I'm up in court next week... I've been charged with impersonating an undercover police officer.
This user liked this post: Siddo
Re: Good jokes
... Where I did knowingly wear a Jack Wills sweatshirt at a car boot sale in Gloucestershire.
Re: Good jokes
Mrs. Merton's Brother: 'Airport lounge'
https://youtu.be/U4rwDTKmq5k" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
https://youtu.be/U4rwDTKmq5k" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Re: Good jokes
Last night I woke up at 11pm, 1am, 3am & 5am. It was all very odd.
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Re: Good jokes
My wife left me last week, citing that all I was interested in and talked about was football, football and more football.
I'm absolutely gutted, because we've been married for four seasons.
I'm absolutely gutted, because we've been married for four seasons.
This user liked this post: Siddo
Re: Good jokes
Similarly, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with everything Phil Collins.Funkydrummer wrote:My wife left me last week, citing that all I was interested in and talked about was football, football and more football.
I'm absolutely gutted, because we've been married for four seasons.
On her exit she said my life wouldn't amount to much once shes gone, however take a look at me now!
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Re: Good jokes
My wife said she'd had enough of me and wanted me to move out for watching 'Only Fools and Horses' all day and night. I sad ''OK I'll get the suitcase from the van''....MACCA wrote:Similarly, my wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with everything Phil Collins.
On her exit she said my life wouldn't amount to much once shes gone, however take a look at me now!
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Re: Good jokes
I said to the wife "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
The Wife replied "That's a good idea - you stand by the cooker & sink while I sit on the sofa watching the Footy and farting!!!"
The Wife replied "That's a good idea - you stand by the cooker & sink while I sit on the sofa watching the Footy and farting!!!"
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Re: Good jokes
“Post Office” fancy dress party?
I’ll be there in a jiffy.
I’ll be there in a jiffy.
Re: Good jokes
3 m8's were in the pub discussing their favourite football team.
"I blame the manager for the problems...." said the 1st
"I blame the players, they have no idea...." said the 2nd
"I blame my Mum and Dad..." said the 3rd
"Your Mum and Dad?????????" They asked incredulously.
"Yeah if they had moved to a decent town before I was born I wouldn't be following this shi........."
"I blame the manager for the problems...." said the 1st
"I blame the players, they have no idea...." said the 2nd
"I blame my Mum and Dad..." said the 3rd
"Your Mum and Dad?????????" They asked incredulously.
"Yeah if they had moved to a decent town before I was born I wouldn't be following this shi........."
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Re: Good jokes
I was on the train to the coast yesterday when the guard said "We are now approaching Ramsgate. Change here for Sandwich... Deal... Including a half-price bottle of Elderflower water and a free bag of crisps... Walmer... if it's not from the fridge... And then on to Dover having refreshed your soul (true story ).
Re: Good jokes
My mate was going to a fancy dress party as a condom...FactualFrank wrote:“Post Office” fancy dress party?
I’ll be there in a jiffy.
He was a bit late so we rang him...
He said don't worry I will be there in a jiffy
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Re: Good jokes
Went to the toy shop last week for a barbie doll for the granddaughter. I asked the assistant how much they were, she pointed to one of them on the shelf and said that’s action barbie , she’s £20 and comes with a canoe.
She points at another and said that’s sporty barbie, she’s £20 and comes with a football .
Then she points at another and says that’s divorced barbie she’s £70 ! I gasped and ask why that one was so expensive , she said well she comes with Ken’s house and kens car !
She points at another and said that’s sporty barbie, she’s £20 and comes with a football .
Then she points at another and says that’s divorced barbie she’s £70 ! I gasped and ask why that one was so expensive , she said well she comes with Ken’s house and kens car !
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Re: Good jokes
Paddy says "Mick I'm thinking of buying a Labrador"
Mick says " Bugger that Paddy,have you seen how many of their owners go blind "
Mick says " Bugger that Paddy,have you seen how many of their owners go blind "
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Re: Good jokes
I see West Ham are looking to appoint Jo Brand as the next coach... Van Hool's been sacked.
Re: Good jokes
If they removed her teeth they could get an extra row of seats inPstotto wrote:I see West Ham are looking to appoint Jo Brand as the next coach... Van Hool's been sacked.
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Re: Good jokes
It's got a built-in car wash that also doubles as an emergency exit...
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Re: Good jokes
Spotted on a sticker in house window in a TV programme the other day.
A silhouette of a vicious dog with the words :-
"Is there life after death ? Break in and find out."
A silhouette of a vicious dog with the words :-
"Is there life after death ? Break in and find out."
Re: Good jokes
What's brown and runs across the stage ?
Showbiz.
Showbiz.
Re: Good jokes
And now for Male Vengeance Countdown with Carol Vorderman...
"OK first listen to this..."
'Don't go for second best baby, put your love to the test, you've got to make him express himself and then you know his love is real.'
"OK I'll have a gun please Carol... And an address... And another gun please Carol... And another address... And another address and then another gun please, Carol".
"Right, next contestant listen to this..."
''Hey there, hey there, what's the matter with yr, girls just want to have fu-un'
'I'll start with an address Carol and then a gun.... And another gun and another... And another gun please Carol and another address please Carol."
"Now back to the first contestant, listen to this..."
'If you want my future, forget my past'.
"OK I'll start with a gun please Carol... And then an address... And another address please, Carol... And another... And another... And another and then another gun please, Carol".
"OK first listen to this..."
'Don't go for second best baby, put your love to the test, you've got to make him express himself and then you know his love is real.'
"OK I'll have a gun please Carol... And an address... And another gun please Carol... And another address... And another address and then another gun please, Carol".
"Right, next contestant listen to this..."
''Hey there, hey there, what's the matter with yr, girls just want to have fu-un'
'I'll start with an address Carol and then a gun.... And another gun and another... And another gun please Carol and another address please Carol."
"Now back to the first contestant, listen to this..."
'If you want my future, forget my past'.
"OK I'll start with a gun please Carol... And then an address... And another address please, Carol... And another... And another... And another and then another gun please, Carol".
Re: Good jokes
The County Down Conundrum??
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Re: Good jokes
2 women talking to each over the garden fence.
One says "saw your husband in town earlier with a huge bunch of flowers"
"Oh heck" says the other, "guess this means he expects me to be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend"
"Don't be daft", says her friend, "I'll lend you a vase"
One says "saw your husband in town earlier with a huge bunch of flowers"
"Oh heck" says the other, "guess this means he expects me to be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend"
"Don't be daft", says her friend, "I'll lend you a vase"
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Re: Good jokes
"Is that really a picture of you with REM?"
"Yes, that's me in the corner"
"Yes, that's me in the corner"
Re: Good jokes
This one keeps popping up on this thread, I really don't get itBosscat wrote:
Re: Good jokes
I am not going to explain it, it would spoil the joke for so many......morpheus2 wrote:This one keeps popping up on this thread, I really don't get it
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Re: Good jokes
I’m thinking of selling my hoover. It only collects dust.
Re: Good jokes
If any Man City fans are thinking of going away on holiday then I'd recommend Tenerife. You can't beat the Canaries at this time of year.
This user liked this post: Bosscat
Re: Good jokes
The reason is the website we used to use to upload pictures to this site has shut down and removed all content.... see belowmorpheus2 wrote:This one keeps popping up on this thread, I really don't get it
http://tinypic.com/?t=postupload" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Oh yeah and this is NO JOKE
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Re: Good jokes
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
This user liked this post: Bosscat
Re: Good jokes
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
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Re: Good jokes
Surely you only need nine wives if you play front nine then back nine?cbx750 wrote:A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
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Re: Good jokes
Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,
"Fuckking Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday"...
"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
"Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,
"Fuckking Immigrants!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday"...
Re: Good jokes
Goobs wrote:Surely you only need nine wives if you play front nine then back nine?
logged in just to like this!!!
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Re: Good jokes
Two old ladies coming out of chapel.That new preacher is a bit loud.What did you say ? I said the new preacher is LOUD.What did you say? BAWLS LIKE A BULL.
Has he ?
Has he ?
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Re: Good jokes
Not a joke as such,but it made me giggle.
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Re: Good jokes
Is that the chimney breast ?
Re: Good jokes
Someone Boobed with the decoratingSteve1956 wrote:Not a joke as such,but it made me giggle.
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Re: Good jokes
The Royal Dyche's offering......
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Re: Good jokes
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun.
No sun.
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Re: Good jokes
Whats an hospice he said ...i said about a gallon...