Long Distance Parenting

[Alanstevensonsgloves]

Has anyone experience of this?

My situation is that I have an 8yo daughter from a previous relationship, with whom I get on very well. She stays with me every 2nd weekend at my rented place down here. Currently I live 40 mins away from her and her mum in Surrey, but I am looking to move back north for numerous reasons. Ideally I would love to keep up the same level of contact, and my job allows my the flexibility to do so. Just wondering if anyone has found themselves in a similar situation, and how they arranged it to see children eg did you stay at a hotel or rent a 2 bed place near your children which you just used when you saw them or pick them up and drove them back to your place (could be hours away)????

If I was rich, I would buy a flat down here but........

[GodIsADeeJay81]

When I lived in Burnley I used to travel down to Newbury once or twice a month to see my son (depending on the mood of his mum

I was lucky because I was able to stay at a mates place for the weekend and he was allowed to stay over too sometimes.
Did that for 5yrs before I moved back down here in Oct 2010 to be closer to the kids.

Someone I work with travels to Cardiff from Oxford twice a month to see his kids and he alternates doing a day trip one weekend and stays the night on the other.
He's only been doing it a couple of months though, so I don't know how long he will keep that going for.

[MACCA]

Would it be possible for their mother to meet you half way on 1 of the legs every fortnight.

A friend of mine used to get an early dart Friday, so would set off down to collect their child, but then on the sunday evening, their mother would meet them half way.

Also kids are off school that much, they could even stay over the Sunday ( or more into the week ) to spend a bit more quality time with, or see extended family.

Suppose it depends how North you move and how south they are, and how much your ex understands how beneficial it is for your child to have regular and quality time with you.

[Zlatan]

It’s not easy, definitely worth it but not easy. I’ve spent 10 years doing every other weekend with a 400 mile round trip - when they were younger I would stay over somewhere, but as they got older and wanted to see me less, it became a day trip (usually to Turf Moor of course) now I’m lucky if they want to come out at all, but they stay in touch via FaceTime etc

[Alanstevensonsgloves]

It would be moving to Leeds, with my daughter in leatherhead. Approx 4 hours each way.

Zlatan, I think your experience could mirror mine. Where did you stay when you made the journey for the weekend? I don't have family down here, so my options would be hotel or Airbnb. Not that great for daughter though I'd guess?

Best option would be if I rented a 2 bed flat down here, but with bills etc thats 1000 quid a month on a place I'd be in for 6 days a month.

Her mum is flexible on access, but not flexible and sharing transport unfortunately.

[Zlatan]

At first I stopped with mates, then moved onto B&Bs and finally Premier Inn - where I managed to get really cheap rate as I got to know the staff and I was a regular for a few years.

I’d have loved to stay local to them, but circumstances dictated that I had to leave. If you are choosing to move away, take that choice carefully. I’m not saying don’t do it, but explore your values and reasons for doing so.

[Alanstevensonsgloves]

Was your child OK staying in a hotel room every couple of weekends? I'd did you stay there and just see your child during the day?

My reasons for moving north are pretty solid, and my daughter fully understands, she's just happy she will see me still the same amount of time.

[cricketfieldclarets]

Good luck. I don't envy you that would kill me.

Probably a daft suggestion but... what about looking at a static on a site down south.

Could make a holiday of it when you see your daughter. Would give her something different and exciting to look forward to and you have your own place to stay. Fraction of the cost of buying or renting a place. And you could make some of the cost back by renting it out via the holiday company...


Also a lot of sites are offering free site fees next year as incentives because they havent sold as many as they projected.

Good luck either way.

[dibraidio]

I've been doing it for 10 years. The ex moved four hours away after we split and I tried a lot of different things.
I tried staying in a hotel but getting kicked out at 11am on the Sunday when I had to take the kids back at 6pm was crap on rainy days. It felt like we were waiting for 6pm to arrive and I hated that. Obviously there's a budget to take into account for eating out every meal.

I tried bringing the kids home but that was really tiring. I used to put audio books on to try and keep them occupied because we spent a lot of time in the car. I had the full set of dad's army radio shows too and my son is still a massive fan. It was nice to be in a familiar place but the the journey's took their toll on the car and on my back.

Their mum moved again and I had access to a studio flat in the same town, I put some bunkbeds in and slept on the sofa bed and it was very much camping indoors. It was better than the hotel as we could stay in if it rained. It was better for the kids because they didn't have to do the journeys.

We did half and half on the trips for a while but it was still a hell of a lot of mileage and my daughter got a bit sick of it.

Now my ex has moved again, my son is at uni and my daughter comes on the train.

The static caravan suggestion sounds interesting. Maybe you could explain your situation and strike a deal because it's a regular let outside of school holiday time.

The next few years with your daughter are the best time to get her into things that you want to do together because she's old enough to start doing more grown up stuff but it won't be long before the answer to everything is no as her inner teenager emerges.

Good luck with your decision.

[Burnley1989]

I'd struggle, I recently turned down an opportunity of a 2 year contract in Barcelona, I would have an apartment but couldn't imagine seeing my kids once every few months, they're all aged under 6. The money was no better than I currently earn so I'd have literally been doing for the wrong reasons as it seemed an attractive lifestyle. I'd imagine it would have broken the relationship with my partner.

Interestingly the offer is still on the table 6 months later

[MACCA]

Cricketfields idea got me thinking..

Maybe an actual caravan or even a motor home might be cheaper than £1000 a month rent, then Bill's, then the house being left unoccupied for long periods my cost you lots.

However with a motor home or caravan, you have the option to stay down that area some weekends, take in various other parts of the country, with no weekend being the same.
You dont want it to become boring and mundane.

When birthday parties , family functions etc start happening the visits maybe for shorter periods or few and far between.
Although finance isnt the priority, you cant disregard it, and a caravan/motor home may add value to other parts of your life and be used by family and friends etc, with a resale value rather than the dead money renting.

[claretlife]

Plenty of practical thoughts here, but when the kids are so young you need the ex to want and enable the kids to see you too. if this is the case it is so much easier if you can work together. Work at this and you are more than half way there. Without it, no matter how close you live to them the 'system' favours the mum. Good luck and hope it works out for you whatever you choose

[Alanstevensonsgloves]

The caravan/motorhome idea is an interesting one but wouldn't suit us. A static 2 bed on a park could be an idea. I'd love for us to have a place we call our own, and she considers her second home with her toys etc in., although she only plays on her tablet these days! I appreciate what Zlatan says though, the older she gets, the more she'll want to be with her friends etc, so I guess I've got another 6 years of this, whatever I end up doing.

[cricketfieldclarets]

The caravan/motorhome idea is an interesting one but wouldn't suit us. A static 2 bed on a park could be an idea. I'd love for us to have a place we call our own, and she considers her second home with her toys etc in., although she only plays on her tablet these days! I appreciate what Zlatan says though, the older she gets, the more she'll want to be with her friends etc, so I guess I've got another 6 years of this, whatever I end up doing.

You can still let the static out. If needed. To offset any fees or General cost. But if you prefer not to there’s still tonnes of deals on at the minute. With lots with free fees for at least next year.

That’s the route I’d take. And it would probably make her visits to yours more interesting than most kids in that boat.

Hope it works out. Must be tough.

[KateR]

Static sound a decent idea and could be sold on when not need or if you come to like the place ica could be a place you use more without your children.

If you had the funds a buy to let might work where you can use Air BNB when you are not using and lock in weekends you want for a year/6 months in advance in discussion agreement with your spouse. Might break even but not lose all that much and end up with an asset that will grow when you want to sell.

Obviously set up costs are high but could pay dividends

best of luck in this trying time which ever option.