World Mental Health Day

Rowls · Post by **Rowls** » Wed Oct 12, 2016 11:39 am

Darnhill Claret wrote:On the subject of what helps, walks and other forms of exercise such as swimming, badminton. Social events, going out, attending an event, being in a crowd (if you can) although that can be extremely difficult for many. I couldn't attend a football game for two years and that was painful. Colouring books, reading, listening to music but choose carefully!!
Also keeping to the usual social hours. Go to bed before midnight and be up, showered and dressed before whatever time is right for you. Try and have an interest even if you have to invent one from scratch. Evening classes. day classes or groups. Libraries have details of so much that is happening in your local communities. Volunteer. Recognise you skills, your good points and see if there is anyway that you can use them in a positive way. Try to overcome those negative feelings of staying alone. learn a new skill, gardening, cookery, car maintenance, sign language, walking football, etc, etc.

Most of all, I want to send my best wishes to everyone who has their down moments and don't get too upset with yourself whilst suffering.

Well said.

Good mental health is about looking after all your animal needs and striking the right balance.

ClaretAndJew · Post by **ClaretAndJew** » Wed Oct 12, 2016 11:49 am

Have worked within the field for a few years, also study Health and Social Care (with a number of modules in mental health).

Just today I've been to the doctors as I've felt low for a good number of weeks, and have been prescribed some medication and a referral to the St Peter's Centre Minds Matter service.

Not ashamed to talk about it, and I'm hoping to feel a bit better soon.

If you feel low, talk about it, get help, it's out there in abundance.

COBBLE · Post by **COBBLE** » Thu Oct 13, 2016 7:51 am

Not ready to see this subject go off the front page yet.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Oct 13, 2016 8:54 am

If I could remind those who suffer or know someone who suffers that there is a special event with stalls etc being held at Turf Moor today. If you can, try and make effort to go down, it may help you.

Blackrod · Post by **Blackrod** » Thu Oct 13, 2016 10:08 am

An interesting thread. Often overlooked particularly by hospitals who focus on the physical only. I always find a football match makes me switch off from whatever else I could be thinking about.

Funkydrummer · Post by **Funkydrummer** » Thu Oct 13, 2016 10:13 am

I can't find a time for the event at the turf, only times of certain features.

Does anybody know what time the doors open please ?

Help appreciated, cheers.

tybfc · Post by **tybfc** » Thu Oct 13, 2016 10:26 am

It's already started

Funkydrummer · Post by **Funkydrummer** » Thu Oct 13, 2016 10:54 am

Cheers for that info, appreciated.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Oct 13, 2016 9:31 pm

I hope you made it funky. I went in at around 12.30 and there was a lot of good information including a group specifically for men. It is thought men find it hard to talk about these things .

If you want the name of the group and contact number let me know.

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Thu Oct 13, 2016 9:36 pm

By the way if you are not opening your mail, it is a sign that you may be at risk.

Funkydrummer · Post by **Funkydrummer** » Thu Oct 13, 2016 9:59 pm

Sadly, for me anyway, I didn't manage to make it due to an incident with my parents who both, ironically, suffer from dementia.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and concern.

BFC Gold · Post by **BFC Gold** » Thu Oct 13, 2016 11:35 pm

My depression started in 1977 at 12 years old, due to personal health problems which I kept to myself. Due to the problems I had, by the time I was 17 my body hadn`t grown in that time, which left me deeply depressed, I felt very alone and anxious almost all the time. The feeling of impending doom was there when I woke every morning until the moment I went to sleep at night. This affected my relationships with everyone that I knew and my behaviour and schoolwork went completely to pot.
At 17 I felt that I couldn`t really go on much longer but by a twist of fate Burnley FC saved me.
It was early the 1981-2 season as I started my second year at Art college and as mentioned in other threads I threw myself into football as my only means of solace, in a world that was becoming ever more increasingly alien and dark.
Luckily for me this was the season that we won the old 3rd division and although I`d been Burnley mad since seven years old, I decided to follow them home and away all season, missing only a handful of away games along the way. I would never be able to thank that team enough for what they achieved that season. My every waking thought and passion became BFC and due to their success, life suddenly seemed worth living again and the light finally began to shine again for me for the first time in five long painful years.
By the time those fantastic lads had won promotion at home to Chesterfield in April of 82, my depression had improved tenfold and due to that I had finally started to grow again for the first time since I was 12.
In the next 9 months I was to grow 8 inches in height and gain three stones in weight, which in turn opened up a whole new world for me and gave me a life that I never thought I would be able to have.
Apparently I had become so tense and insular that my body couldn`t function normally through the whole of my my adolesent years, which ultimately halted my body clock due to the intense and continuous stress that I had put myself through.
These days I would like to think that I am a fairly normal person but my trauma certainly hasn`t come without its psychological scarring, I still get quite sad and down at times due to the depression but I think that thats just the way that life is for some people.
This is the first time that I`ve ever spoken openly about this experience and although its made me feel quite emotional typing this, I just hope that it goes some way to show other people that we aren`t alone and that things do get better in time.
My heart goes out to all those who endure this affliction and I`m just glad that we`re now living in a time where its acceptable for people to feel confident enough to approach people to get the help that they need. I didn`t and it caused me years of heartache cost me five years of my life.
Thank you Trevor, Billy, Alan, Martin, Mike and all the boys.

Bin Ont Turf · Post by **Bin Ont Turf** » Fri Oct 14, 2016 12:08 am

I had my head bitten off on the other board when I suggested that personal problems (deaths in the family, poor upbringing, loss of work, marriage break ups etc) were responsible for depression and mental health problems.

Yet everyone on here has near enough posted the exact cause of their bouts of depression or mental health problems.

There's some great advice on here though, although I'm not sure that getting 'medication' is one of them in the long run.

COBBLE · Post by **COBBLE** » Fri Oct 14, 2016 12:09 am

BFC Gold. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It is inspiring and educating.

Funkydrummer · Post by **Funkydrummer** » Fri Oct 14, 2016 12:18 am

BFC Gold, that puts my experience in the shade a little - good to hear that you have come out the other side.

It's not easy to share that sort of experience and I admire you for it.

Marney&Mee · Post by **Marney&Mee** » Fri Oct 14, 2016 9:55 am

Without going into too much detail, mine was down to smoking far too much weed from the age of 20-29. People did say at that time the effects it would/could have but you don't listen at that age. Smoking weed definitely causes mental health issues that carry on even after you've stopped. Even on medication I'd carry on smoking it...'like driving with handbrake on' one doctor told me. Looking back, I wish I'd never smoked the stuff.

ants_g · Post by **ants_g** » Fri Oct 14, 2016 8:20 pm

Elizabeth wrote:By the way if you are not opening your mail, it is a sign that you may be at risk.

On my darker days I used to turn away from the world. Wouldn't open mail and I'd turn the phones off. Wouldn't answer the doorbell. I think I might have handled feeling angry as at least that was some sort of energy but I'd feel very little at all. Just emptiness.
What little advice I can give is don't turn your back on the world. Just try to let go of the bad and still have contact with the good parts of it, no matter how seemingly insignificant those parts are. Not easy I know.
To paraphrase Neitzsche (badly): stare too long into the abyss and and the abyss starts to stare back into you.
Good luck everyone.

Ightenclaret · Post by **Ightenclaret** » Fri Oct 14, 2016 8:41 pm

Bin Ont Turf wrote:I had my head bitten off on the other board when I suggested that personal problems (deaths in the family, poor upbringing, loss of work, marriage break ups etc) were responsible for depression and mental health problems.

Yet everyone on here has near enough posted the exact cause of their bouts of depression or mental health problems.

There's some great advice on here though, although I'm not sure that getting 'medication' is one of them in the long run.

BOT, the reason behind anxiety and depression is not properly understood. Adverse life events can act as triggers but they are not the cause, purely because some of us are able to handle such changes differently.

What is clear is that middle aged men are a high risk group for 'sudden' suicide. By that, I mean their first presentation is the act of suicide. This is tragic for those left behind.

I would encourage anyone to have a chat with their GP in confidence- they don't have to have severe symptoms or be contemplating the worst. simply talking about things is a critically important step

As for anyone who is reading suffering in silence, I implore you to reach out- you are not alone and although you may not be able to see a way through at the moment, there is one there, I guarantee it.

BennyD · Post by **BennyD** » Fri Oct 14, 2016 11:18 pm

At times, I struggle to cope with losing my son to cancer at 18. It has affected my professional, and domestic life but thanks to organisations such as UTC I grind on. It took a while to come to terms with my loss even though I realise I haven't, even yet after 4 years, fully incorporated it into every day life. So, may I take the opportunity to apologise for being a bit short and intolerant at times to some of the posts on here, even though they p!ss me off at times. Strength to all those being in the same boat. Respect.

DCWat · Post by **DCWat** » Fri Oct 14, 2016 11:55 pm

I hadn't realised that I suffered until 18 months ago. Having changed jobs, it hit me like a wall and I literally walked up to reception, handed in my pass and said "I won't be back". Even then I put it down to not being good enough and he simply made a bad choice.

Having got myself back on track with a new role, I felt the same feelings back in April of this year. The difference this year was that I spoke to my new employer and took some time off and went to the doctor.

I had previously been to the doctor and been sent for CBT but not being one to 'open up' it didn't help me and if I'm honest, I probably didn't buy in to it from the start.

My saviour has been tablets (perhaps a fix as opposed to a solution) starting on Sertraline (plenty side effects) and more recently on citralopram, which so far are not as effective as the former but the side effects are certainly less noticeable.

I've always lacked confidence in certain situations and am terrible at talking about my own thoughts and feelings. I can probably be seen as aloof on occasion because of not being a big talker - I'm one of those that talks if I have something to say and not one for random chat about sod all.

I can trace my lack of confidence back to childhood and I know it's massively held me back but for the first time in a long time, perhaps ever, I'm currently feeling much better. I've always been a bit of a sceptic when it comes to 'depression and anxiety' despite how I have felt for so long; thinking I'm just weak. It wasn't until my Doctor told me that it's a chemical imbalance that I thought, "perhaps it is actually an illness and not just a weakness".

I'm sure CBT works for many people but for those that it doesn't, don't think that there's no hope and don't be put off by negativity surrounding anti depression medication. I hope not to be taking it for the long term, but I certainly know that it's helped me to focus and perhaps have more perspective than I have in the past.

When I first properly talked about how I felt with her indoors, she suggested posting on here - I dismissed the idea instantly!! I'm not admitting it to her that having read this thread, perhaps she was right all along, she usually bloody is

but it's amazing to realise just how many do suffer and I'm glad to see that plenty are actually opening up about it.

Thank god im not the only nut job (no offence intended)

ArmchairDetective · Post by **ArmchairDetective** » Sat Oct 15, 2016 12:58 pm

In my opinion the whole structure of modern society puts a strain on a person's mental health. The rigidity of society and the very real possibility of imminent failure and collapse in one or all walks of life can generate and accelerate issues in an individual's mental health. Materialism and the increasing availability of social comparisons doesn't help.

Ironically, the above statement in itself is depressing.

ClaretTony · Post by **ClaretTony** » Sat Oct 15, 2016 3:50 pm

It's a lengthy read but a worthwhile one from former Leyton Orient, Cambridge, Torquay and Swindon manager Martin Ling.

https://goo.gl/1MxBJq

Ightenclaret · Post by **Ightenclaret** » Sat Oct 15, 2016 6:31 pm

ArmchairDetective wrote:In my opinion the whole structure of modern society puts a strain on a person's mental health. The rigidity of society and the very real possibility of imminent failure and collapse in one or all walks of life can generate and accelerate issues in an individual's mental health. Materialism and the increasing availability of social comparisons doesn't help.

Ironically, the above statement in itself is depressing.

The irony extends to the fact that as we become more technologically advanced and self congratulatory about our achievements, we are becoming more pressured and susceptible to poor mental health.

Why is this?

With all man's resource and intelligence, why can't we live happier lives?

Reb · Post by **Reb** » Sat Oct 15, 2016 7:39 pm

Some of you have mentioned having mental health problems from a very young age and some of you talk about your children and their increasing anxieties. I work for Childline and we have a huge number of young people contacting us with depression, anxiety and any number of mental health issues - many of them find it helps having some to talk to (either on the phone or now more frequently online) who is anonymous, who is non judgmental and whose only purpose to to listen to how the caller feels. http://www.childline.org.uk" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; It's worth looking at if you know young people who are struggling.

ArmchairDetective · Post by **ArmchairDetective** » Sat Oct 15, 2016 10:41 pm

Ightenclaret wrote:The irony extends to the fact that as we become more technologically advanced and self congratulatory about our achievements, we are becoming more pressured and susceptible to poor mental health.

Why is this?

With all man's resource and intelligence, why can't we live happier lives?

In Huxley's 'Brave New World' they have psychological conditioning and 'Soma' to ensure happiness. We do not. It's frightening the way society is headed, particularly when considering current teenagers' individualist mentality and reliance (?) on technology.

ClaretTony · Post by **ClaretTony** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 10:49 am

Rather than starting a new thread, I thought it better to bump the one from last year on World Mental Health Day.

tybfc · Post by **tybfc** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:09 am

See link

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health-fitne ... awakening/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:55 am

I'm feeling suicidal today with agitation, like there was a button on my self-awareness that someone or something was able to press at will and deform my life experience. Illegal drugs of a type not to mention can be the only relief that one can ask for. If one feels somebody or something else is invading one's psychic reception of reality, the real cure is to look at someone else and have intimate interaction to fill the mind with another entity than the one attacking them, whatever it is. One cannot ask for such therapy. If one doesn't have a partner one is stuffed, one needs instant relief. Then that life issue and all that surrounds it, becomes another brick in the wall. It's a vicious circle of further and further alienation. If you can't get hold of the drugs as well, it's really bad. That's why drugs should be made legal to take the the game away, so that that is not an issue.

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 1:38 pm

Every 30 seconds, someone somewhere in the world commits suicide due to depression.

Imploding Turtle · Post by **Imploding Turtle** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 1:39 pm

FactualFrank wrote:Every 30 seconds, someone somewhere in the world commits suicide due to depression.

Whoever keeps reviving him must be getting pretty ****** off by now.

cricketfieldclarets · Post by **cricketfieldclarets** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 3:42 pm

Also world handbag day. Cant be a conicidence.

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 3:43 pm

cricketfieldclarets wrote:Also world handbag day. Cant be a conicidence.

It's also World Porridge Day too, but you oat to know that.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 4:22 pm

I always think the phrase 'mental health' means being poorly. To me it is 'The world is ill' day. It IS ill and the disease is computer-graphic-itis.

ontario claret · Post by **ontario claret** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 6:33 pm

I'll be 64 in January. Found out 2 years ago that I was diabetic. Living by myself these days, so any contact with thge outside world in my small town over here is MOST appreciated. The fact that I can share so many things with my fellow Claret supporters, even if some of my posts are a little "strange" is a real lifesaver. Thanks to you all.

jrgbfc · Post by **jrgbfc** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 7:48 pm

Think this thread highlights just how important a person's football team is throughout their life. Friends, wives, husband's, family members can all come and go but your football team is there with you from childhood to your dyeing day, even if they can still break your heart occasionally!

Saxoman · Post by **Saxoman** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 8:06 pm

Imploding Turtle wrote:There's no such thing as mental health. Mental health is just Big Pharma trying to convince the innocent and the gullible that their problems aren't their fault in order to sell snake oil "medicines" that do nothing but offer a placebo effect as a cure. They probably give you cancer of the autism too.
I know people who took mental health drugs, and then 30 years later they died anyway. Don't fall for their lies.

I liked you until I read this. Please tell me it was some kind of misplaced attempt at humour?

Wile E Coyote · Post by **Wile E Coyote** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 8:07 pm

It doesn't seem adequate to use words to try to describe it, but it's all we have to attempt to communicate something truly awful.
I still realise there are plenty out there with all kinds of issues to contend with and try to maintain some perspective so as not to become immersed in it myself, but its difficult sometimes.Overwhelming feeling and eats away at the soul.
There is a vast chasm between "feeling a bit down" and depression, no comparison really.
A huge thanks to all who contributed on this post, you can just see immediately how honest and heartfelt it is. A brilliant thing to behold.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 9:01 pm

There are illnesses of the mind due to the brain's chemical factory going wrong. Medications can only deal with reducing the symptoms rather than eradicating the cause. In all my time ill, I've never started supporting Blackburn Rovers. As such, I can claim total sanity even when in a state of psychosis!

claretburns · Post by **claretburns** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 9:25 pm

Suffered for a few years now, probably since my last year of school. Tried to cope with it myself and things seemed to be going OK then slowly as a year or two went by I just got worse and worse.

Went to the doctors about 4 years ago now I think it was, sat in the GPs office for less than 5 minutes and, to cut the chat short, was told there was nothing wrong and I just needed to "toughen up". From then it has been a nightmare, you hear, on this thread for example, about having to reach out and talk about it to get the help and support you need and in general I am a pretty guarded person and don't let my feelings show much, happy or sad, and so to just go to the doctor was for me a massive step and to be basically shunted out of the office with no thought was a point which I don't think I have recovered from.

Since that appointment I have noticed it at work, with family and friends, I will see my phone flash up, mum calling, and will just stare at it until it stops, then I will get messages from friends planning things to do at the weekend and I purposely won't reply until after the weekend so I don't have to face going out and seeing people. At work one day I will be laughing, chatting, pulling little jokes and then suddenly it will hit me like a voice in my head "why are you laughing? You have nothing to laugh about" and bang, straight away my mood will switch and I will basically shut down with just the odd grunt when people are talking to me.

Then a few weeks ago I had my 25th birthday and a friend has the same birthday as me so we had a joint day out in Manchester and early evening after a few had been drunk in the afternoon I broke down to a couple of friends there and opened up to them about everything, and this was the first time since I noticed something was wrong about 16, apart from the GP, when I had admitted it to anyone and such a relief, I can't explain, which swept over me that day.

Since then days have been tough but I know both friends who know are always there for a chat or a cuppa after work or at the weekend and I have some help in fighting this. Lately days have become a lot better but I think it will be a battle I fight now for the majority of my life but it is a battle I am now determined to win!

jrgbfc · Post by **jrgbfc** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 10:55 pm

claretburns wrote:Suffered for a few years now, probably since my last year of school. Tried to cope with it myself and things seemed to be going OK then slowly as a year or two went by I just got worse and worse.

Went to the doctors about 4 years ago now I think it was, sat in the GPs office for less than 5 minutes and, to cut the chat short, was told there was nothing wrong and I just needed to "toughen up". From then it has been a nightmare, you hear, on this thread for example, about having to reach out and talk about it to get the help and support you need and in general I am a pretty guarded person and don't let my feelings show much, happy or sad, and so to just go to the doctor was for me a massive step and to be basically shunted out of the office with no thought was a point which I don't think I have recovered from.

Since that appointment I have noticed it at work, with family and friends, I will see my phone flash up, mum calling, and will just stare at it until it stops, then I will get messages from friends planning things to do at the weekend and I purposely won't reply until after the weekend so I don't have to face going out and seeing people. At work one day I will be laughing, chatting, pulling little jokes and then suddenly it will hit me like a voice in my head "why are you laughing? You have nothing to laugh about" and bang, straight away my mood will switch and I will basically shut down with just the odd grunt when people are talking to me.

Then a few weeks ago I had my 25th birthday and a friend has the same birthday as me so we had a joint day out in Manchester and early evening after a few had been drunk in the afternoon I broke down to a couple of friends there and opened up to them about everything, and this was the first time since I noticed something was wrong about 16, apart from the GP, when I had admitted it to anyone and such a relief, I can't explain, which swept over me that day.

Since then days have been tough but I know both friends who know are always there for a chat or a cuppa after work or at the weekend and I have some help in fighting this. Lately days have become a lot better but I think it will be a battle I fight now for the majority of my life but it is a battle I am now determined to win!

Keep your chin up claretburns. Unfortunately reaching out to a doctor isn't guaranteed to help as I know from experience. There are good ones and bad ones just like every other profession.

Funkydrummer · Post by **Funkydrummer** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 10:58 pm

We have had a special event today down in the gym at the turf from 12 'til 3 to raise awareness of
mental health issues.

It was a walking football tournament which was very well attended. Jack Cork very generously
gave up his time to come along and support the event with a question and answer session,
then watched the final and presented the trophy to the winning team. Finally he posed for
photographs.

A very successful and enjoyable time was had by all.

EDIT :- If you go on the club website the details and a piccy have been uploaded. (see link)

https://www.burnleyfccommunity.org/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

tiger76 · Post by **tiger76** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:24 pm

I think amongst men in particular there is still a stigma in talking about mental health,this is slowly changing and with footballers like Aaron Lennon speaking publicly about his demons,hopefully interviews like his will encourage more people especially males to come forward,as has been mentioned further up this thread it is a hidden illness.

COBBLE · Post by **COBBLE** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:40 pm

This is yet another amazing post in a regular succession on this subject, which suggest how important this board is providing a powerful way to enable ordinary but amazing people to support each other. The BFC and community linkage makes it really special. This is not just a football forum. I'm very proud of all the contributors and a bit more understanding about some of the harsher stuff you hand out to each other.

Saxoman · Post by **Saxoman** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:44 pm

I have been very open about my past struggles, some of it was even played out online if you were on footymad at the time. I was sectioned for 3 months. I am not ashamed. Hope others can have the same inner strength to keep going.

tybfc · Post by **tybfc** » Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:51 pm

Saxoman wrote:I have been very open about my past struggles, some of it was even played out online if you were on footymad at the time. I was sectioned for 3 months. I am not ashamed. Hope others can have the same inner strength to keep going.

It's getting better saxo the more like you who talk about the illness.

Bop · Post by **Bop** » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:02 am

[quote="Saxoman"]I have been very open about my past struggles, some of it was even played out online if you were on footymad at the time. I was sectioned for 3 months. I am not ashamed. Hope others can have the same inner strength to keep going.[/quote]

I’m not a daily user of this forum and have given you some **** regularly before. I’m genuinely sorry if you’re struggling, I’ve missed that.

I’ve not worked for 4 years and understand what mental illness is all about. Sorry. You Blackburn ******* !

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:04 am

I'm ill just thinking about Saxo having to support Rovers.

Saxoman · Post by **Saxoman** » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:29 am

Pstotto wrote:I'm ill just thinking about Saxo having to support Rovers.

People like you making fun of me.. Actually is a big help, thank you.

a honuary mention to Bin ont turf too

Imploding Turtle · Post by **Imploding Turtle** » Wed Oct 11, 2017 1:46 am

There are a few people on here who i won't make fun of (or try not to) because i'm concerned for their mental health. Genuinely. That's not a joke. No, i won't name names.

I keep thinking I should add Rowls to the list but i then remember that i want to make his worse. That bit's a joke. But the first bit isn't.

Rowls · Post by **Rowls** » Wed Oct 11, 2017 4:16 am

Awww will you look at that. An invocation! And just a day after World Mental Health Awareness Day.

You called?

And here I am like your personal Mephistopheles.

Go on, make a wish.

You want a little story? Why not? Heck! It was World Mental Health Awareness Day only yesterday!

Now as we know, mental health problems are when the chemicals in your brain go wrong. Like a stomach exploding or a kidney going off key or maybe a muscle that cramps up. It's a thing that goes wrong. Like an engine with the wrong fuel in it or something.

So that clears up Mental Illness - which is why nobody suffers anymore and how we can fix it so easily with chemicals.

But I digress, this story isn't about curing mental illness for good with chemicals. I've been summonned by you so this story is about ME.

I suppose you could say that mental illness was all about "personal demons". That's a useful metaphor isn't it? Personal demons. But what if it's not a metaphor at all? What if the demons are real? What if Mephistopheles walks amongst us?

What if I've got my own personal Demons? Would you believe me?

What if the Demons I've got aren't metaphors at all but genuine, actual Demons? What if they are Demonic figures who skulk in the cold shadows and creak in the night to torment us? What if you could sense and feel them breathing on your neck as you slept at night?

Maybe you think I'm crazy or maybe you think I'm kidding you? But what if I'm not?

What if I'm telling you the truth?

What if I've known demons and shadows like this all my life?

When i was little and my imagination would run away with me my bedroom was packed with cartoon villains. They hid in the daytime but each had their specific place when the lights were turned out they would cackle and call out and heckle me. My bedroom was a cacophony of cartoon villainy.
The villains were numerous - from the less threatening (camp old Skelator and Professor Coldheart) all the way up to the more serious Auntie Freeze, the diabolic Madame Mim, Miss Switch (who bothered me in a very particular way) and the Lord of All Evil Himself - Venger from Dungeons and Dragons (naturally).

They terrorized me.

Every night.

As soon as the lights were out they appeared to strike fear into me. They could keep me frozen for what seemed like hours at a time - paralysed with childish fear.

But of course, as I grew older they slowly released their grasp on me and I came to realise how ridiculous they were. Especially Skelator.

So I let them go and they never bothered me again.

All apart from one. My own personal Demon.

I remember when I first encountered the Demon. I must have been no more than 5 or 6.

It was a cold and freezing winter's day and i'd woken before the rest of the house but daren't get out of bed. The fear of waking them and getting up in the darkness was too much for me. Such is the sum of childish fears but that morning I encountered a Demon that has stayed with me all my life.

The first thing that struck me was the temperature - it was deathly cold. This was unusual. My Dad had grown up without central heating and knew well the hardships of waking up cold and the drudgery of constantly lighting fires. So we were fortunate to enjoy a middle class household with radiators. we were very lucky - It was never cold when we woke.

Except this day.

And it wasn't a normal kind of cold. It didn't make me shiver and neither was the bed itself actually cold. It was a coldness that only seemed to infect me. It chilled me to the bone - it was the kind of tingling freezing sensation that rattles down your spine and tingles in your fingers and toes.

It froze and set like ice in my blood until I couldn't move. It literally paralyzed me with biting coldness. The icy coldness spread along my bones and my skin and I found I couldn't move.

This wasn't work of cartoon villainy or childish imagination - I genuinely could not move.

I couldn't move an inch. All I could do was lie there and blink, frozen half to death and unable to move.

That's when the Demon began to show itself. It was made of Fear.

Pure, unadulterated Fear.

A Fear that tormented me with ten thousand Hells.

I tried to call out and scream. But I couldn't. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I couldn't make a sound. I could only lie there frozen with Fear as this presence surrounded and tormented me.

Not the kind of fear that goes away as you grow older or settles when the sun comes up and the shadows fade away. It was the kind of guttural fear that you can only know if you've experienced it yourself.

The Fear of all Fears. All the Fears in you life, all your worries and anxieties, all your deepest and darkest secrets and nightmares stacked on one on top of each other and multiplied and poured like ice over your frozen body. It's as if the river Styx had been drained and all the poison and evil imaginable in the world flowed as slowly as a glacier through my frozen body.

Do you ever get that sensation that somebody is watching you? That unknowable but definite feeling that somebody is watching? We all know that feeling. It's real. It came over me and overwhelmed me. Not in a fleeting moment as it normally does -not like a trick of the mind that comes and goes- but in a continuous outpouring of Fear that gripped and kept me frozen. I knew somebody was there in the bottom of my soul and it's presence was pure Evil.

They were in the bedroom, in the walls, in the very fabric of the house itself.

And I couldn't move a muscle.

So I lay there, frozen with Fear and aware of this unearthly Evil presence all around me. I simply lay there because I could do nothing more.

Then the whispering started. Or at least the sound of whispering. The lilting sound of something intangibly Evil whispering into my ears. Like a million witches casting spells, incantations and sin into my head.

I could feel their breath against my skin as they murmured like liquid, cold toothpaste. They poured Sin and freezing Fear into my head. I could feel it.

And all the while I couldn't move. As the Fear gripped me tighter and tighter I couldn't move. The more I tried to struggle, the more I tried to scream or get out of bed the more helpless I became and the more intense the cold and Evil whispering became and the more the Fear grew and consumed me.

It went on for an eternity until the sun came up. But all the while I knew it was still there in the walls.

And I've had it all my life - a Demon who follows me around. It creeps into the walls and the brick of anywhere I live and comes to me in the night or in the morning with paralyzing, Hellish Fear.

It never goes away. It follows me everywhere.

At first, when I was a child, it was only sporadic. Once or twice a year. But as I've grown older it haunts me more and more. Maybe not for months but then suddenly twice a week, or every night for a fortnight or even two or three times a night.

Sometimes the Winter time when it is dark and cold and I'm hungry and tired the Demon can strike in the darkness of the late afternoon with it's cold and icy fingers somehow freezing me with Fear.

It haunts me to do this day. It strikes me down when I'm tired. Sometimes it appears when I read late at night -in between the actual words on the page it slides verses of Fear between the printed ink. The words shift and morph until they twist into encompass something diabolical and monstrous. Only when I shake my head do the visions disappear. I try my best not to read late at night to avoid it.

Sometimes I can see the Demon fluttering in the shadows as I lie there paralyzed and unable to move. Always in the darkness, always vague and shadowy but constantly there and always whispering into my ear, pouring pure Fear into my soul.

And sometimes I stay awake to avoid it and sleep in the daylight when it is safe for me to do so.

So there you have it.

A story for Mental Health Awareness Day.

Maybe you believe me?

Maybe you don't?

Maybe it's all the chemical in my brain going wrong? Maybe it's a big metaphor? Maybe I'm lying?

But maybe I'm telling you the truth.

Anyway, Happy Mental Health Awareness Day (for yesterday) to everybody.