Beat the Edinburgh Fringe Perrier Award

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 9:32 pm

Scott's off to Antarctica and his mother says "Take a torch with you then you won't get lost."

So being a good Christian he packs a 'Glow in The Dark' Bible.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 9:36 pm

And the lesson of the story is?

Don't listen to God listening to you listening to advice from your mother.

Aclaret · Post by **Aclaret** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 9:38 pm

Looks like a one man show Pstotto at the Fringe.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 9:46 pm

Instead listen to what she's saying... "Get lost.'

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 9:46 pm

... It's an audience with the Pope.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 9:48 pm

... It's an audience with the Pope.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Fri Aug 13, 2021 9:56 pm

A prince is about to go down town alone and his mentor says 'Beware of the sex competition" and he says 'What sex competition, where is it held'?'

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 7:46 pm

Rock 'n' roll being a thing now common in the Arab world they think up a global tourist advert and the committee settles on:

Dubai do
Buy do

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 9:31 pm

Christmas Day 2020 and they get a new TV in Newcastle and the family gathers round to watch Match of The Day and the kid says "Ma'am, we're still in black and white."

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 9:47 pm

You are what you wear and it's all mind are you sure?

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 10:01 pm

Kid decides to write to the Board of Directors at Newcastle to complain about them still being in black and white when the colour TV came and he starts by saying "I've been a season ticket holder for over five years"...

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 10:03 pm

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 10:14 pm

Up in Newcastle tonight and some Dutch are walking round the centre and one of them says "There's a lot of outdoor unisex designer toilets."

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 10:20 pm

"I've been a season ticket holder for over five years and we get a new TV and Newcastle are still in black and white, what's going on?"

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 10:32 pm

Over in Japan they've managed to program artificial lesbians to give birth to Pepperami.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 10:43 pm

... And then go straight to regression therapy to re-live the experience in reverse.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 10:46 pm

Just in case you're wondering, it's a non-linear program there's no beginning and no end.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 10:50 pm

A while later the company director asks how it works and the programmer says 'It can't remember either way."

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 10:59 pm

I went to my local Dental Practice and the dentist said I'll drill into the tooth to see what's going on.

OK as a joke but it's true.

Really.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 11:00 pm

I didn't complain I had a headache.

Steve1956 · Post by **Steve1956** » Sat Aug 14, 2021 11:06 pm

Pstotto wrote: ↑
Fri Aug 13, 2021 9:46 pm
... It's an audience with the Pope.

Is that an audience with The Pope,and Nick Pope

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sun Aug 15, 2021 6:01 pm

Unemployed bloke in Kabul decides to try his hand at becoming a comedian...

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 6:03 pm

I bought a balsa wood model of a Spitfire to build it and see what it was made of so I built it and jumped on it.

...And Now I'm Head of Art specializing in Art and Collapsing Society

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 6:05 pm

University Challenged Celebrity Series

ClaretAndJew · Post by **ClaretAndJew** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 6:09 pm

Wasps are subscribed to a newly refurbished philosophical train of thought. The problem is there's only one stop and it won't stop buzzing.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 6:23 pm

Man United fans jokers funny in the 70s singing 'Skip to ma Lou Macari' and then a few years later "Lou to ma skip Macari"...

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 7:39 pm

Man decides to go on a sex holiday and the young lady of the evening arrives and they have an inspection to determine the order of play and so the blokes stand naked and the inspection takes place and they announce the results and his sex judgement comes up and they say you're first in the queue and if you'd like to wait over there to be called keep on the special phone line.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 7:46 pm

I thought I'll go up to London and pretend to be Sydney James and now I live near Melbourne further up the coast.

ClaretAndJew · Post by **ClaretAndJew** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 7:55 pm

I once boarded an L shaped bus to take me down to the Cornish Game Hen Festival in County Durham but there was a problem with the driver who forget the alphabet and we ended up inside a giant O.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 8:16 pm

Thirteen years old girl wins Olympic Gold for skateboarding and I'm woken out of my comfort zone and decide to rise to the age challenge so I buy some tap dancing shoes.

ClaretAndJew · Post by **ClaretAndJew** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 8:20 pm

I once sat on my nest egg for too long and now I am in debt with three very auspicious looking hens.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 8:22 pm

I was looking at the green beans in Waitrose and decided to buy British and I thought to myself to eat and don't look and pretend they're Whitebait.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 8:32 pm

I decided to write some jokes as a Powerpoint presentation and I begin with the modest statement 'My jokes are faster than I am.'

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 8:34 pm

... And that 'I specialize in vicarious humour.'

I later sold the line to a fly spray brand.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 8:55 pm

I can't understand what they say in the South of England but it sounds like they read a lot of Tolstoy.

You're in the pub and there's all this babble and every so often I hear them say Tolstoy.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 8:56 pm

"No, Pstotto, they're all talking about Chelsea, it just sounds like Tolstoy to the untrained ear.'

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 9:02 pm

Harry Kane, don't he go on about Chelsea.

ClaretAndJew · Post by **ClaretAndJew** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 9:07 pm

She Sells Chelsea Shell by the Chelsea store

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 9:07 pm

Van Gogh had his ear to the safe and it was cold...

ClaretAndJew · Post by **ClaretAndJew** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 9:08 pm

He should have kept his eye on the prize and his ear to the ground for all his art he wasn't up on the latest pallets.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 9:09 pm

... Frozen out of the art world, beats Scott of The Antarctic by 30 years.

ClaretAndJew · Post by **ClaretAndJew** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 9:11 pm

Speaking of frozen, Captain Oatmeal and Quaker Oats were both camping, one of them went out and he may be some time.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 9:44 pm

Sunday, went to a car bolt sale with my Russian girlfriend.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 10:11 pm

Well known artist on holiday in Morocco and he's thirsty and stops at a bar and they bring him a twig and he's upset and the barman says "Oh sorry, I thought you asked for a glass of water, but we're out of water."

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 10:26 pm

I'm beginning to think that punk was a government scam.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 10:32 pm

The barman in Morocco says all we've got is octopus ink, so the artist says yes and the owner of the bar brings a small draft and the artist says "Thanks, I was parched."

Three hours later he got a written declaration in Arabic, but he couldn't read it and disposed of it in the right bin.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 10:45 pm

Meanwhile at the Zoo there's eco-concern and they're trying to get bee eaters to change their diet.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 10:47 pm

Buddhists...

Karma?

Next life?

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 10:56 pm

Same zoo keeper, they jet off to a conference and both die in an air crash 24 hours from Tulsa.

Bee eater's wondering what happened in a daze the other side and tells God he got into a fight in a restaurant and he was on the way to jail.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Mon Aug 16, 2021 11:36 pm

Prisoner of war captive in his cell and he complains about the cold and they turn the heating up and ask if everything is alright.