Divorce

[FCBurnley]

Three more years till your next review then! ;p

Only if I live that long

[Clovius Boofus]

Sorry, I don't have the time for this.

I've a stat. In online debates/arguments, 99.9% of all stats are made up on the hoof.

[sleeperclaret]

I'm assuming that most people on here would agree that divorce would almost always be right and acceptable where there are no children involved, so the important thing is to understand the causes and mitigation of the impact on children which is mostly down to the parents and their behaviour following separation.

Some parents sort it amicably with a fair understanding of the financial impacts on each other and both parents continue being involved in the child's life. They communicate with the child and are united as parents, even when they disagree. Like they were before but living separately.

Some argue violently, use the child as a bargaining chip, try to milk the other financially for a much as they can and then try to turn the child against the other party. Some forget their child exists the moment they meet another partner or their new partner makes it difficult.

You see much more of the latter in deprived areas because money is short and divorce costs time, money and resources. Very few people have twice as much money as they need to live each month and so there will normally be tensions arising as one party or another feels aggrieved or struggles with the new arrangements. But it is not just in lower-income households - I know someone who spent in the six figures fighting their ex over less than that amount. But when there is little money it can also lead to people jumping into new relationships quickly to share the costs and sometimes compounding the problem by having more children.

I think it's really important to separate divorce and parenting. If you can't put your children first when divorcing, the answer is not "don't get divorced", it's "you shouldn't have had children". Because in my view your responsibilities as a parent are greater than that of being a husband or wife for many reasons.

It sounds like on this thread, those with experience of divorce where there are children involved have managed to negotiate that well and well done to them. It does require both parents to have a "child-first" mentality so it won't always succeed. But in those situations, a festering resentful relationship isn't going to help the child any either. Teaching a child that it is possible to pursue happiness whilst delivering on your responsibilities is a good lesson. I certainly wouldn't want my children to be stuck in an unhappy relationship because they thought they had no other choice.

[Rowls]

I've a stat. In online debates/arguments, 99.9% of all stats are made up on the hoof.

That's a fun fact.

However, in this instance I haven't presented any stats; I've only stated that they are out there if you want to find them. Go and look them up if you want to. They are incontrovertible.

[yTib]

so you haven't posted any stats and yet they are incontrovertible.

rowls, is there any subject in which you are not a world expert?

[Mattster]

Sorry, I don't have the time for this. The questions you ask are the legitimate kind of questions we should all be asking. If you want to find the stats for yourself it shouldn't take long in this information age.

Will happily and repeatedly refer to statistics you claim to have seen to back up your view point but won't provide a source for them?

[Inchy]

so you haven't posted any stats and yet they are incontrovertible.

rowls, is there any subject in which you are not a world expert?

To be fair you could easily google those facts and rowls will be right.

It’s like growing up in poverty. Far more likely to die young, commit crime, have a crap job etc etc. it’s basic sociology, however it’s multifaceted and just because you divorce doesn’t mean the kids will definitely suffer.

[Mattster]

Tell you what I'll bob in a statistic and source for it from 2019, which could be argued backs up the point I was making.

https://cls.ucl.ac.uk/timing-of-parents ... h-reveals/

"A fifth of children in the study saw their parents separate between the ages of 3 and 14. Children whose parents broke up in late childhood and early adolescence, between the ages of 7 and 14 had, on average, a 16 per cent increase in emotional problems and an 8 per cent rise in conduct issues in the short-term. Children whose parents separated earlier, between ages 3 and 7, were no more likely to experience mental health problems either in the short-term or later on, by age 14, than those living with both parents."

Suggests to me that at least part of the negative impact on the referred children's mental health comes from living with unhappily married parents over a significant portion of their young lives. Where the parents didn't try to "stay together for the kids" when they realised the marriage wasn't right it in fact has no negative mental health impact on the kids either in the short or long term.

[timshorts]

So many human behavioural traits then?

Well that covers most issues, and some, of course, are the opposite of each other.

It's the more unusual ones that keep you interested. People change for all sorts of reasons, and almost anything went in a u/b divorce petition from finding religion to licking the plate after Sunday dinner. All brought to an abrupt end by no fault divorce.

[Robbie_painter]

Divorce was tough financially for me as a dad.

She wanted to stay in the house, but luckily agreed to pay the small mortgage. Meant all my equity frozen for years, and that hassle. Luckily she decided not to pay the mortgage, so it got sold just before repossession, and I got my half.

Maintenance is high, but doing it privately I pay her half what gov calculates. She wouldn't spend more on kids and gives me more to do stuff with them, but I'd struggle more if had to pay more.

Plus she's a bad influence, minimal work, benefits, now in a council house. But courts favour her as a woman so no chance of any changes

Feel for you but unfortunately minimal work and benefits seems the way to go now sadly.

[basil6345789]

Everyone frowns on misogynists but is afraid of misandrists. There are far more of the latter, battle-axe women

[AlargeClaret]

Can be a painful experience , I’ve been through 3 , 2 x div , 1 x long term , same set up really , 2 were thankfully amicable and 1 a bitter, expensive , hate fuelled ( for her) drawn out slug fest , though she found out I’d boned her sister after Stan’s last game ,so can’t really complain , though we’d been temporarily split at the time , so I felt her ire a tad harsh .

Maintenance can be a tough gig , though I found if you could arrange a private agreement it helps a lot .

[ClaretAndJew]

No good marriage has ever ended in divorce.

[ClaretPete001]

I mean who cares really...!

Let's be honest most of you will be relatively useless in the future economy and replaced by AI. Enjoy your time before someone decides euthanasia is best for you. And ironically, it will likely be someone you have voted for given the fact that most of you couldn't think your way out of a paper bag.

I'm of an age where I guess I'll be dead before all this comes to fruition. My epitaph is already written - 'So Long Suckers!'.

[Lowbankclaret]

Inchy,
Sorry to hear about the situation of your friend.
It’s a very very difficult time. It is a while ago for me now but like him, after legal advise I had to pay the mortgage and all the bills or she could get an emergency injunction which would make the divorce longer and more difficult. Plus make maintenance payments. I had to move back in with parents and they had to pay my car fuel bills for me to get to work. From memory it took about 9 months to get the divorce done.
Takes years to recover financially.
He will get through it, just push for the fastest divorce he can.

[Big Vinny K]

I see we have the preamble for his latest Mills and Boon novel on this thread

The title might need a bit of a rethink. Not sure “Why I boned your sister” is gonna fly. Mind you I was wrong about the first novel title “Kierby Nights and the Masturbating Porter”.

[Tribesmen]

Can be a painful experience , I’ve been through 3 , 2 x div , 1 x long term , same set up really , 2 were thankfully amicable and 1 a bitter, expensive , hate fuelled ( for her) drawn out slug fest , though she found out I’d boned her sister after Stan’s last game ,so can’t really complain , though we’d been temporarily split at the time , so I felt her ire a tad harsh .

Maintenance can be a tough gig , though I found if you could arrange a private agreement it helps a lot .

Not sure why this comment just stopped the clocks in my house .

HER SISTER , REALLY ...................

[karatekid]

They could be twins and Stans departure just muddled the brain enough. Keep it in the family I say.