Friday Humour

Rouwens_Weapon · Post by **Rouwens_Weapon** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 6:24 am

Horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a Donkey in the corner. He nips over to have a natter, Donkey asks "What did you do for a living" Horse says " I ran on the flats in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”

They arrange to meet at the Donkey's house a week later, Donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a Zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The Horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", Donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus."

Shappie · Post by **Shappie** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 6:57 am

I like it !

MACCA · Post by **MACCA** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 7:01 am

I don't get it.

Firthy · Post by **Firthy** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 7:57 am

Reading jokes isn't quite the same as hearing them but that did make me laugh.

Culmclaret · Post by **Culmclaret** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:07 am

Was the pub in Blackburn by any chance?

Siddo · Post by **Siddo** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:11 am

Nice one!

Vintage Claret · Post by **Vintage Claret** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:50 am

I bought my wife some tickets to a Billy Joel concert for her birthday, should I keep it a secret or should I tell her about it?

Went to the doctors the other day and he told me I had a bad case of the Herman's Hermits.

He gave me some tablets to take and I woke up this morning feeling fine.

piston broke · Post by **piston broke** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:03 am

Thanks, Rouwen. I'm coming over today for a Spurs supporting cousins 50th.
I'll be using that.

Funkydrummer · Post by **Funkydrummer** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:08 am

I asked the doctor if he could give me anything for wind.

He gave me a kite !

What's brown and sounds like a bell ?

Dung !!!!!

MrClaretandBlue · Post by **MrClaretandBlue** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:15 am

Daley Thomson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coes house for tea.
Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the mushy peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar. Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer. "Who is it?" Asks everyone in unison,

"It's Fatima wi t'bread."

wilks_bfc · Post by **wilks_bfc** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:30 am

What cheese do you lure a bear down from the trees with?
Camembert

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?
Halloumi

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
There was de Brie everywhere

Sorry I only do cheesy jokes

Chobulous · Post by **Chobulous** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:30 am

MrClaretandBlue wrote:Daley Thomson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coes house for tea.
Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the mushy peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar. Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer. "Who is it?" Asks everyone in unison,

"It's Fatima wi t'bread."

The funniest thing about that is that thought of that Mummy's boy ponce, Seb Coe, eating mushy peas. Probably complain that he didn't like the guacamole.

hampsteadclaret · Post by **hampsteadclaret** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:31 am

Sunday Morning Sex..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm... nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,

make a doctor's appointment.

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Foshiznik · Post by **Foshiznik** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:41 am

I organised a threesome last night.

There were two no shows, but I still had a good time...

Firthy · Post by **Firthy** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:42 am

You have to imagine this joke being told in a Geordie accent.

Geordie to doctor
"Doctor, my wife's fanny tastes of coconut"

Doctor replies
"Why it's Bounty"

ClaretLoup · Post by **ClaretLoup** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:02 am

Went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said "It's bread in captivity "

Vintage Claret · Post by **Vintage Claret** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:44 am

Bought a packet of Kraft dairy lea slices fromTescos by mistake thinking it was an Ed Sheeran greatest hits CD.

I got confused as the label said 'contains 15 cheesy singles'

CleggHall · Post by **CleggHall** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:58 am

Some goodies on this thread, made me smile/laugh, thanks lads.

Rick_Muller · Post by **Rick_Muller** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 12:08 pm

Walking round Blackpool Zoo with the missus and some friends in the bird enclosure. My mate points out a stunning specimen in one of the cages with a lovely black plumage and tells me its a Cockatoo, I replied that "my wife likes a nice black cockatoo", and he said "I know she does..."

true story - we're now divorced

MrTopTier · Post by **MrTopTier** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 12:17 pm

When life gives you melons.
You are probably dyslexic.

What did the teabag say as it was getting out of the teapot?
I think I might have strained myself.

I'm not an adult at all, just a tall child holding a beer having a conversation I don't understand.

Barrowfordclaret · Post by **Barrowfordclaret** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 1:38 pm

What happened to the blind circumciser? He got the sack!

houseboy · Post by **houseboy** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 2:02 pm

Always borrow money from a pessimist - they never expect it back.

I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

harpers_perm · Post by **harpers_perm** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 2:24 pm

I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer.

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits..

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me.

Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

KRBFC · Post by **KRBFC** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 2:29 pm

Can someone please post a naughty joke, I want to see the reaction of the SJW's...... PG jokes are awful

Firthy · Post by **Firthy** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 3:23 pm

Girl runs in to a police station shouting "I've been graped, I've been graped"

Sergeant replies "Surely you mean raped"

Girl says "No there was a bunch of them"

tim_noone · Post by **tim_noone** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 3:37 pm

Rick_Muller wrote:Walking round Blackpool Zoo with the missus and some friends in the bird enclosure. My mate points out a stunning specimen in one of the cages with a lovely black plumage and tells me its a Cockatoo, I replied that "my wife likes a nice black cockatoo", and he said "I know she does..."

true story - we're now divorced

Did she divorce you?

Goobs · Post by **Goobs** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 3:43 pm

I've heard of several girls that have split after a black Cockatoo

Rick_Muller · Post by **Rick_Muller** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 4:02 pm

tim_noone wrote:Did she divorce you?

Yes, but I am well rid of her tbh - only so much sh!t a bloke can take for the sake of the kids...

Funkydrummer · Post by **Funkydrummer** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 4:15 pm

A horse went into a bar and the barman said "why the long face ?"

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

ontario claret · Post by **ontario claret** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 4:19 pm

I went to the doctor for a check-up. As I took off my clothes, he noticed bumps on my knees. "Oh", I said. "When I was young, I had kneesles". When I took off my socks, he noticed deformities with my feet. "No problem", I said. "I've had toelio". Finally, when I took off my pants and underwear, he said, "Oh. I see you've suffered from smallcocks, too."

Vintage Claret · Post by **Vintage Claret** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 5:42 pm

Wife asked for an example of a double entendre, so I gave her one.

karatekid · Post by **karatekid** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 5:51 pm

Did you hear about the frog that broke down..............he had to be toad away.

Iv'e got a new aftershave called breadcrumbs..............the birds love it.

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.”

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.

JohnMac · Post by **JohnMac** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 6:04 pm

A White horse walked into a bar and the barman said
"We have a whiskey named after you"

The horse replied "Really? Well I'll have a Double Eric please"

piston broke · Post by **piston broke** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 7:42 pm

I had a job circumsising elephants. The pay wasn't very good but the tips were enormous.

Barrowfordclaret · Post by **Barrowfordclaret** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 7:59 pm

My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night..

He was caught in a trap

CnBtruntru · Post by **CnBtruntru** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:08 pm

Firthy wrote:Reading jokes isn't quite the same as hearing them but that did make me laugh.

Why would anyone tell jokes about Reading?

CnBtruntru · Post by **CnBtruntru** » Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:09 pm

Barrowfordclaret wrote:My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last last..

He was caught in a trap

Should have done a Manual Handling course then it would have been able to assess the risks first

Firthy · Post by **Firthy** » Sat Mar 10, 2018 8:12 am

CnBtruntru wrote:Why would anyone tell jokes about Reading?

I think you just proved my point

Caernarfon_Claret · Post by **Caernarfon_Claret** » Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:28 am

Funkydrummer wrote:A horse went into a bar and the barman said "why the long face ?"

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If you're going to chart the course of a pencil it needs to be graph height.

Caernarfon_Claret · Post by **Caernarfon_Claret** » Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:48 am

piston broke wrote:I had a job circumsising elephants. The pay wasn't very good but the tips were enormous.

What's the biggest drawback of Elephant foreskin?

Foulthrow · Post by **Foulthrow** » Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:00 pm

CnBtruntru wrote:Why would anyone tell jokes about Reading?

The National Dyslexia Centre is based in Reading

CnBtruntru · Post by **CnBtruntru** » Sat Mar 10, 2018 7:48 pm

Foulthrow wrote:The National Dyslexia Centre is based in Reading

Now that's funny or ironic.

ontario claret · Post by **ontario claret** » Mon Mar 12, 2018 3:46 pm

Q: What's big and grey, and comes in quarts? A: An elephant.

Rick_Muller · Post by **Rick_Muller** » Mon Mar 12, 2018 3:52 pm

Foulthrow wrote:The National Dyslexia Centre is based in Reading

CnBtruntru wrote:Now that's funny or ironic.

both - though "Reading" is actually spelt "Bracknell" for the Dyslexics...