How can I deal with a school bully?

Rick_Muller · Post by **Rick_Muller** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:36 pm

My 8 year old step son is on the autistic spectrum and has been suffering at school at the hands of one particular child. The bullying has been varied from physical attacks (punching and kicking) to emotional attacks (telling other children that our son is stupid).

Our son doesn’t understand why this is happening, and all he wants is to be accepted and included in playtime.

The reason I am posting tonight is because he has just told us this...

“Other child said he is going to kill me and stab me so that I am dead”

He said it so matter of fact as he doesn’t actually comprehend what it means, but me and his mum are wondering what we can actually do about this. We managed to video him telling us, word for word - it was the exact same phrase used.

Do any fellow clarets have any advice for us on how to deal with this. We have been into the school on numerous occasions. I am now considering taking our son out of school unless this is resolved - but that opens up a whole lot of problems that we really shouldn’t have to deal with. The other child is a known bully, and the school have excused his actions because his parents have split up.

All advice welcome, thanks

starting_11 · Post by **starting_11** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:37 pm

Go round to their parents house and bully them until it stops.

I'd be ******* livid.

cricketfieldclarets · Post by **cricketfieldclarets** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:40 pm

First thing, I would address this formally with the school. Better to go through the proper channels and try and be as diplomatic as possible. Clearly the other kid has issues to come out with that at such an age.

Perhaps suggest the school get you and his parents together initially and then potentially further down the line all with both kids present.

1968claret · Post by **1968claret** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:42 pm

Rick, go back to the school and speak to the head and show them the video. If you don’t feel sufficient action is being taken then contact the governors. They usually have a parent governor or a governor who is responsible for child safety. You should be able to get the details from the school website.
I hope you are able to resolve this soon.

cutsy123 · Post by **cutsy123** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:47 pm

Find out who the kid is. Find out who his dad his

Find out where the live. Drop the dad

If anybody did anything like that to my son id hold the parents responsible

IndigoLake · Post by **IndigoLake** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:48 pm

Agree that you should speak to the school (perhaps with greater insistence this time) and not leave until you have some sort of proposed resolution to the problem that you're satisfied with. The school should be taking this very seriously. Hope you get this sorted soon.

TheFamilyCat · Post by **TheFamilyCat** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:52 pm

Firstly Rick, this situation sounds awful and a feel for you and your family.

Secondly, schools all have a policy on bullying and will make all the right noises but sadly, as you have found most are pretty ineffective in dealing with it.

This is going to sound extreme but if the school persist in doing nothing, contact the police https://www.gov.uk/bullying-at-school/r ... g-bullying" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I hope you get this resolved and the little shitbag is dealt with.

Silkyskills1 · Post by **Silkyskills1** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:52 pm

Agree totally with cricketfieldclaret and 1968 claret.. Your child is not the problem. He sounds as though he likes his school so keep things as normal as possible for him. It's incumbent on the school, the head and teachers and governors to deal with this. His parents,too, have a vital role to play but please if your son enjoys his school keep him there.

Quickenthetempo · Post by **Quickenthetempo** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:54 pm

You will have more joy with embarrassing the parents by showing them the video than walloping the dad.

If that fails go round to the house and smash his X box up.

Duffer_ · Post by **Duffer_** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:57 pm

Really sorry to here that Rick. My wife specialises in safeguarding in primary education. Whilst I understand cricketfield's call for diplomacy, my wife suggests a more direct approach may be more helpful in your circumstances.

She recommends writing a letter to the Chair of Governors stating the reasons why the bully is a safeguarding risk to your stepson, and other students if applicable. You should ask that the school put in place a Safety Plan to address the behaviour and give the bully the support they need to resolve their issues. The Safety Plan should include adequate supervision for the bully, particularly at social times. Your letter should make it clear that if the school does not take immediate action, then you will take the matter up with OFSTED.

I hope this helps but more importantly I hope your stepson is able to enjoy his school days without fear and intimidation. All the best.

UTC!

Colburn_Claret · Post by **Colburn_Claret** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:57 pm

It depends on you yourself.
Some people handle confrontation better. Personally I'd tell his parents that if it happens again I'd kick **** out of them.
The sane way is to get the school to deal with it, but that will more than likely involve threatening them. Tell them you'll go to the press if it happens again. A far bigger worry than the thought of upsetting you.
Also try and get other children and parents on his side. Throw a party for some kids who your child gets on with, and try explaining that you child needs looking after. At the least they could report this lad to the teacher if it's ongoing.
Good luck.

Bin Ont Turf · Post by **Bin Ont Turf** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:59 pm

Other than going to the school and slapping the little sh*t, this is good advice and has to be the way forward..........

cricketfieldclarets wrote:First thing, I would address this formally with the school. Better to go through the proper channels and try and be as diplomatic as possible. Clearly the other kid has issues to come out with that at such an age.

Perhaps suggest the school get you and his parents together initially and then potentially further down the line all with both kids present.

TheFamilyCat · Post by **TheFamilyCat** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:00 pm

Just to add to my last post, I do feel for schools who have to deal with feral kids and have their terrible parents blaming them for not being able to control them.

However, that does not excuse them for failing to tackle a bully because his parents have separated, or any other reason.

TheFamilyCat · Post by **TheFamilyCat** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:03 pm

Duffer_ wrote:Really sorry to here that Rick. My wife specialises in safeguarding in primary education. Whilst I understand cricketfield's call for diplomacy, my wife suggests a more direct approach may be more helpful in your circumstances.

She recommends writing a letter to the Chair of Governors stating the reasons why the bully is a safeguarding risk to your stepson, and other students if applicable. You should ask that the school put in place a Safety Plan to address the behaviour and give the bully the support they need to resolve their issues. The Safety Plan should include adequate supervision for the bully, particularly at social times. Your letter should make it clear that if the school does not take immediate action, then you will take the matter up with OFSTED.

I hope this helps but more importantly I hope your stepson is able to enjoy his school days without fear and intimidation. All the best.

UTC!

Threatening the school with Ofsted will ****-scare them into doing something!

cricketfieldclarets · Post by **cricketfieldclarets** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:04 pm

Seriously, getting involved anything other than an adult discussion with his parents will have the wrong outcome and paint you in a bad light to your kid and the teachers etc.

If the school don't want to know and the kids' parents don't want to know then you can't and won't win and as much as your kid likes the school, its the wrong school. He will be accepted at, find mates and enjoy other schools as much and more in no time. But hopefully his parents and the school want to sort it out for all.

Not a healthy situation for either kid, either family or the school.

Bullies almost always have some issues themselves. Hopefully gets sorted for all. Nothing worse. Luckily at the schools I went to bullying was frowned upon by the students as much as anything else!

My nephew came home from school the other day to say that a kid in the lower year at his school has been getting bullied. He said the teachers did nothing about it. Nephew is a tough kid (he is big for his age and does boxing), smart and a very popular kid at school. He insisted on playing with the lad who is getting bullied even though he is younger etc. Needless to say the bullying stopped straight away. Always proud of him but especially so when he told me that.

cbx750 · Post by **cbx750** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:12 pm

A friend of mine had a similar problem, the school made all the right noises but did nothing. She eventually threatened to get social workers and a solicitor involved. The Headmaster **** himself and the bulling was stopped.

Billyblah · Post by **Billyblah** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:23 pm

Hi Rick, I'm just going through the advice given, and particularly that of Duffer/Mrs Duffer. I take their point 're OFSTED but I'm thinking their is surely a stage prior to that.
The school have been inactive to date. Is it a school under the LEA? Local Education Authority. Lancashire County Council for example?
You've taken it up with the school. They have been inactive. Get in touch with the LEA, and particularly a schools social worker. Simultaneous to that, as has been pointed out, you need to make a member of the Board of Governors aware. More specifically, the one who is responsible for Safe Guarding.
School is a place where your child should feel safe and able to flourish. I hope that is achieved soon.

mikeS · Post by **mikeS** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:26 pm

Definitely take it up with your sons teacher and the school. they have procedures for dealing with these things.

Burnleyareback2 · Post by **Burnleyareback2** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:26 pm

RM - take the sensible approach and go to the school as advised above. As someone who was bullied throughout high school and bottled it up I really recommend it. Hopefully the parents will be able to deal with it and put a stop to the whole thing.

Failing that, suggest they may have a few thousand Burnley fans coming to see them

Wish you all the best

bfcjg · Post by **bfcjg** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:32 pm

The best and first option should be start an email trail so you have documented evidence and let the school know that you are keeping this in case you have to refer your complaint if it is not addressed to the local authority. You should have a meeting with them and be an irritant until you get the result you deserve.
I should imagine your son may have a statement if so insist the senco is present and express your concern that the bullying is affecting your son in such a negative way he ought to be reassesed which the school knows will cost money and this makes them move.
The comments about hitting the bullies dad etc although well intended are pointless and counter productive. Finally find out from other parents if their children are being bullied. Strength in numbers. Bullies tend to be bullied should his home life be looked into as a welfare/protection/safeguarding issue as well?

Jakubclaret · Post by **Jakubclaret** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:32 pm

cutsy123 wrote:Find out who the kid is. Find out who his dad his

Find out where the live. Drop the dad

If anybody did anything like that to my son id hold the parents responsible

What if the dad is 6ft 6 & built like a brick s**thouse.

tim_noone · Post by **tim_noone** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:35 pm

Jakubclaret wrote:What if the dad is 6ft 6 & built like a brick s**thouse.

Shoot him

then shoot the dad!

Sidney1st · Post by **Sidney1st** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:58 pm

Complain to the school and governors.
Then it's the local authorities, Ofsted and police, plus taking your kid out of school for a few days to enforce the point.

If you're on friendly terms with a solicitor an official looking letter will also help get things moving.

HunterST_BFC · Post by **HunterST_BFC** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 8:58 pm

Aweful news Rick.

As said above by some. Get an appointment with the Head teacher. Send / or better take a letter in dated requesting this urgently - keep a copy. Or email Head requesting a call back asap urgently.
You don't have to say much but leave the Head in no doubt that you will expect the situation dealt with urgently and sorted or you will take it further.
If you don't hear back in 2 days.
Do the same again and include the School Gov's in the loop.
Keep a record of all correspondence - dates / times / notes etc. Quote these in all subsequent correspondence.
Also don't accept that a general announcement / warning made at an Assembly is enough action from the School.

All this is Stage 1 - and should cause action to be taken PDQ.
You also need to get daily info off your lad (tactfully - was today better? what was the best thing today? what didn't you like? etc etc).
Keep notes on this too. Ongoing.

If the School doesn't step up and sort this - Stage 2 - the Schools L.E.A. is your next step with a full detailed list of info from above to show them.
The School will not want this.

Q - is the bully(s) in the same class? If yes - The class teacher should be asked to be present at any meeting.
Q2 - does the bully have other family at the school? - This may be a factor / part of the issue etc.

Hope this gets sorted for him Rick.

Edit - Duffer #post 10 has a good point regards Safeguarding (and more expert advice available from the field)

cutsy123 · Post by **cutsy123** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:01 pm

o

Jakubclaret wrote:What if the dad is 6ft 6 & built like a brick s**thouse.

Doesnt matter when somebody is bullying your son to the point of the OP

mybloodisclaret · Post by **mybloodisclaret** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:02 pm

Rick my heart goes to you on this, must be horrible for all your family. Some dreadful advice above but some really succinct points as well from Cfcs and Mrs Duffer.

I know a little bit about safeguarding in education and at this stage, I would say the best advice as has been stated above is;

Safety plan - Every Ofsted registered educational premises has a DSL (designated safeguarding lead) email them outline your concerns and ask for a meeting ASAP.
Show them the disclosure from your child. The DSL should devise and enforce this.

Notify the governors, tell them you have raised this but the problem remains. He is vulnerable because of his autism, he shouldn't be treated differently but should be properly protected from clowns like that.

Normality is key, and reassuring him is ever so important. The problem is not your lads it is their sons.

Suggest that if the school fails to deal then Ofsted should be notified.

Don't get too militant with the school, you need them on your side, but let them now how serious an issue this is to you.

Whatever you do, don't get into a conflict of any sort with the other side. The parents may have no idea what their little angel is upto, and may be both dissappointed and upset in equal measure at his conduct! If you turn silly it will jua reflect badly on you.

Good luck, keep us posted.

Rick_Muller · Post by **Rick_Muller** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:04 pm

Thanks for the advice everyone, I really appreciate it all thanks.

We’ll try again with the school using combinations of the advice above and see what we can get sorted.

I love this forum for things like this, it’s brilliant, thanks again.

Vegas Claret · Post by **Vegas Claret** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:06 pm

Get to school first thing Monday morning, tell them they have 24hrs to set up a meeting with both children and all parents. Tell them the police will get invoted if it happens once more. If the parents have anything about them they will stop it, if they don't then get the police involved. ******* hate bullies

Burnleyareback2 · Post by **Burnleyareback2** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:09 pm

Vegas Claret wrote:Get to school first thing Monday morning, tell them they have 24hrs to set up a meeting with both children and all parents. Tell them the police will get invoted if it happens once more. If the parents have anything about them they will stop it, if they don't then get the police involved. ******* hate bullies

Then if nothing happens can we all go round???

Sidney1st · Post by **Sidney1st** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:44 pm

Burnleyareback2 wrote:Then if nothing happens can we all go round???

I think this is a job for the Suicide yooof.

Lancasterclaret · Post by **Lancasterclaret** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:59 pm

Hope its sorted, and I hope you sort it through the school.

They should have the procedures in place to deal with this promptly.

MACCA · Post by **MACCA** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 10:39 pm

Rick, I found 1 particular method really helpful.

We contacted the parent direct, you always know 1 fellow parent who knows another.
We just text and asked if she would kindly give us a call when free.
When she finally did, to our surprise the fellow parent was absolutely mortified by the claims we had made, to the point she accused us of blatant lies.
After calming down and speaking to her child, she told us the child had fessed up to all the allegations, to which the mother ( she didn't need to ) was horrified and diceplined the child personally.
He also admitted the reasons for doing such things was because he was suffering similar from older kids.
Eventually we agreed to meet at a local park, let the kids "hang out " with us close by, and the realised they were both quite similar.
They were never "best mates" but learnt some mutual respect that day and realised that they could be civil and had similarities even though polar opposites in personality.

It certainly helped us too, because sometimes these bully boy parents are just as angry as you, if their child is a bully.
I'm very straight with my kids, they bully and they feel the wrath, just as much as those kids who I find bullying mine.

Failing that, pull the dad, he'll either act on the childs behaviour himself, or sh1t his pants and contact the school for you .

LoveCurryPies · Post by **LoveCurryPies** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 10:54 pm

Some of the comments on here are depressingly stupid. Simply go to the school and if that fails the police.

Your child wouldn’t want you to get involved in threats and violence. His dad is better than that!

tim_noone · Post by **tim_noone** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 10:57 pm

Macca your last line left out... and his dad may give you a good hiding,after youve "pulled him"

bfcjg · Post by **bfcjg** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:12 pm

Hope the support and advice you have had on the forum has helped, you ain't alone !

boyyanno · Post by **boyyanno** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:15 pm

Awful situation to be i

TVC15 · Post by **TVC15** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:18 pm

Rick - really sorry to hear about that.

Loads of good advice above.

I was a school governor for 15 years and one of my roles was to review the bullying policy and procedures. There was a designated deputy head who was in charge of discipline. It all felt a bit OFSTED tick boxy to me and that particular deputy head was the wrong person to be in charge - more bothered about having me sign off his policy than what was actually happening in the school.

I knew there was lots of bullying going on and it was not being dealt with - so my default position was that the policy was pretty standard but the application of that policy was wrong. I gave the school a hard time about this as I thought the culture needed changing.
My advice would be to write a letter to the head teacher and the chair of governors and ask to see them both at the same time to discuss.
Get things in writing about what they are going to do and when they are going to do it.
Set up a follow up meeting when you are in the first meeting.

At this stage no need to threaten OFSTED - you need tangible things to happen now. Involving OFSTED is more likely to slow things down / complicate things initially.

If the school is catholic you also have a further escalation route to the Salford Diocese - but again initially go straight to the Head and Chair of Governors.

When I say write a letter - I mean email them. Ring the school reception and ask for both emails. Ring them up after a day if they have not rang you.

Good luck

boyyanno · Post by **boyyanno** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:19 pm

Awful situation to be in. Schools often don't want to know as they struggle to enforce any proper punishment, plus it can make it worse. One of the best things you can do is try and make friends with a parent or two (if possible) and tell them what's been happening. With any luck they'll ask they're kids to look out for him. I'm in my mid twenties but when I was at school I used to walk a younger lad in with me

cricketfieldclarets · Post by **cricketfieldclarets** » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:27 pm

MACCA wrote:Rick, I found 1 particular method really helpful.

We contacted the parent direct, you always know 1 fellow parent who knows another.
We just text and asked if she would kindly give us a call when free.
When she finally did, to our surprise the fellow parent was absolutely mortified by the claims we had made, to the point she accused us of blatant lies.
After calming down and speaking to her child, she told us the child had fessed up to all the allegations, to which the mother ( she didn't need to ) was horrified and diceplined the child personally.
He also admitted the reasons for doing such things was because he was suffering similar from older kids.

Almost identical to what was said when was discussing with my brother earlier. An older big kid tried picking on my nephew. Nephew looked after himself. Bullies mum turned up to boot off. The kid instantly admitted he was to blame.

Ooogeorgeorgeoghani · Post by **Ooogeorgeorgeoghani** » Sat Feb 24, 2018 12:08 am

Some good advice on here, however if the child has said he will stab your son then I would not speak to his parents he obviously has issues himself , the school will be useless they normally are until of course they are put under pressure themselves . Good luck ! Keep him safe

yorkyclaret · Post by **yorkyclaret** » Sat Feb 24, 2018 12:18 am

All bullys have problems, make sure your son is aware that it is not him who has the problem.

Damo · Post by **Damo** » Sat Feb 24, 2018 12:49 am

Honestly I would go and knock on the bully's parents door. Schools are absolutely useless when it comes to bullying. They seem more concerned with the safety of the bully sometimes. Speak to the bullys parents. If you are not confrontational then break bread with them and explain the impact on your child.
Don't expect school to deal with it. They are absolutely useless in enforcing anything unless your child fails to turn up to School for 99% of term

Garnerssoap · Post by **Garnerssoap** » Sat Feb 24, 2018 1:47 am

Karate class. Seriously.

PutTheWheelieBinsOut · Post by **PutTheWheelieBinsOut** » Sat Feb 24, 2018 5:02 am

First thing to do is to praise your step son for telling you, this is so difficult for most kids who are being bullied but particularly kids on the autistic spectrum.
Second the bully as made a specific threat to kill by stabbing, this is a police matter. This kid is a risk to not only your step son but other students as well. The police will speak to the boy and obviously his parents and the school. It's all very well trying to be diplomatic but in this instance for the protection of your son and others you need instant action, the police will provide this. Also if the bully needs social worker support/intervention the police are also the quickest way to get their involvement also.

ŽižkovClaret · Post by **ŽižkovClaret** » Sat Feb 24, 2018 8:48 am

I bloody loved bullying bullies at school. They didnt like a taste of their own medicine, i'll tell you that

MACCA · Post by **MACCA** » Sat Feb 24, 2018 9:21 am

tim_noone wrote:Macca your last line left out... and his dad may give you a good hiding,after youve "pulled him"

Why would someone give you a hiding for pulling them up about some appalling behaviour? If you go in aggressive/bullying type nature yes, but I've not come across 1 parent who will want to start a fight over their child being a bully.
I suppose you always have a rough idea of the parents nature anyway, as like i said, you always know a parent who knows the parent, or you get a grasp of their morals seeing them in the yard and at school events.

I've only ever had resounding success ( only ha to do it twice mind ) when going to the source rather than letting the authorities/school deal with it.
Both times the dad was mortified, and the fact we have never heard another muff since speaks volumes.
The child involved can now play on the same footy pitch and park now without dishing out any aggro, and even manages an hello, or do you qwant to join in.

It was nipped in the bud after strike 3 mind, so wasn't prolonged bullying over a period of time.

It needs resolving instantly, before others jump on the bandwagon, or it turns far worse.

ClaretTony · Post by **ClaretTony** » Sat Feb 24, 2018 9:30 am

Only just seen this thread and I'm not qualified to offer any advice whatsoever but I can imagine how hard it is for you all to have to deal with this.

I'd certainly consider the advice offered by Duffer_ in Post 10. It is the most sensible of approaches and the advice has been offered by someone who works in this area and fully understands it.

I would write to the chairman of the governers but I'd also inform the school that you are doing so because they've not been able to give you any indication that they are willing or able to deal with the situation. I'd also make it very clear that you will take it further if you consider it necessary.

Rick_Muller · Post by **Rick_Muller** » Sat Feb 24, 2018 9:50 am

We’ve arranged a meeting with the head for 9am Monday. We’re going to ask that the other child be moved to another site (the school in the village has 2 sites a quarter of a mile apart) as the other child’s family have moved away and he won’t be attending the school next year.

I hope the Head does as we ask, because the letter to the governors is already written with quotes from the school policy on bullying and we will take it further if needed.

Thanks again everyone

jdrobbo · Post by **jdrobbo** » Sat Feb 24, 2018 10:01 am

Some great, supportive advice offered on here, and I too am deeply saddened to hear about this.

I teach a Year Six Class in an inner-city Leeds Primary and if (God forbid) a child was treated in this way at our school I'd hope that:

The child, his/her friend or the child's parents could disclose the sensitive information to the teacher, the member of staff with additional safeguarding responsibilities and the Head.

A cause for concern form would have to produced which would start a paper trail.

A member of every governing body has to be responsible for 'keeping children safe' and you may also wish to request a meeting with that designated governor, as well as the Head and Chair.

Hope you get this resolved and that your child feels safe and happy again at school very soon!

jdrobbo · Post by **jdrobbo** » Sat Feb 24, 2018 10:02 am

Rick, I'm absolutely certain that the Head will take it very seriously.