Anyone got any, to make me chuckle?

Blackburn Rovers.

See if this tickles your fancy. A story more than a joke.
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I had an x-ray on my leg today and the doctor said that my patella measures 2.54cm.

So I said, “Inch high knees?"

The doctor said, “你的髕骨尺寸為2.54厘米"

Went to an underwater disco on Saturday night......... pulled a mussel

Just seen that there’s a nudist convention on in town next week. Might go if I’ve got nothing on!

Did you hear about the bloke who taught his dog to the play the trumpet on the London underground?

It went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes

What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

Justice fingers

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.
After a while one elephant says to the other, “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

I went to a fund raiser for the local dyslexia society last night. It was a fantastic night until the DJ played Y.M.C.A. then all hell broke loose!

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Look, can we talk about something else please?

A Muslim was today found shot in the head with a starting pistol.

A police spokesman said the incident was thought to be race related.

Hahaha, that one was TOO edgy for the Burnley crowd bud
Don't tell them your classic - what's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

I once went to a nudist wedding and came within half an inch of being the best man.

Millertime v1.7 wrote:Hahaha, that one was TOO edgy for the Burnley crowd bud
Don't tell them your classic - what's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Ahem, that one was mine

If they gave out awards for willies, mine would definitely make the short list.

Sound advice I'd say....

What ya call a fly with no wings??


















A walk

My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste...

She's so ungrateful. I put my blood, sweat and tears into that stew!

Was sat on the end of the bed last night pulling my boxers off!the wife said you really spoil them dogs

man crying at the site of ground zero New York.i ask him if he had lost friends or family in the tragedy,he said no I was the window cleaner.

Brexit

I was in the bed of a married woman the other day when her husband came home early. She said I should use the back door.
I could have got away, but you don’t get an offer like that every day, do you?

Went to the doctors today and he told me I had to lose 10 stone of ugly fat

So I divorced the wife

What do you call a Deer with no eyes ?

No Idea !

What do you call a Dead Deer with no eyes

Still no idea !!

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An interesting slant on the Yorkshire accent don't you think?

I caught my wife bending over the freezer the other day and she kind of took my fancy and the inevitable happened. I got in awful trouble though, they take a dim view of that in Tesco.

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other “do you know how to drive this thing?”.


Two parrots on a perch. One says to the other “can you smell fish?”.

mkmel wrote:Went to the doctors today and he told me I had to lose 10 stone of ugly fat

So I divorced the wife

From the Bernard Manning archive that one.

Couple for our Aberdonian visitors nicked off the web,You may have seen them already but here goes anyway.

Looks like Steven Gerrard is to become the next manager of Rangers. His first job is to stop Brendan Rodgers from winning the title. Wouldn't be the 1st time would it?

Crowds are gathering at Ibrox already to welcome Steven Gerrard as Rangers manager.

Rangers fans will be along at 3pm after they've finished work.

Steven Gerrard on Rangers: "I have enormous respect for this football club, and its history and tradition. All six years of it."

I was in an Indian restaurant last night and in walked the Mother Superior and a Sister from the local convent.

I said to the waiter "no, I ordered 2 NAANs"

FCBurnley wrote:What do you call a Deer with no eyes ?

No Idea !

What do you call a Dead Deer with no eyes

Still no idea !!

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes that's been stabbed?

Still bloody no idea

Bangers&Mash wrote:What do you call a dead deer with no eyes that's been stabbed?

Still bloody no idea

I don't know what you call it i'd call it venison.

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

africlaret wrote:Blackburn Rovers.

OP wanted good jokes.