Going through abit of a sh1tty time recently and could do with a good laugh.

Come on Clarets hit me with some good ens.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles

Brexit

Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6in. His statue is 17ft 4in.

That’s Horatio of 1:3

Judas Horse-Face is welcomed back at t'Turf

This was on here the other day and made me laugh.

Sad news from the Nestlé factory today.
A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted
‘The Milky Bars are on me’ his colleagues just cheered loudly.

I wanted to be an actor but the guy who was teaching me kept leaving town, he was a stage coach!. After that I started building boats in the loft the sails went through the roof.

Stolen from social media...

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

Two boys were walking along the street. One was carrying a car battery and the other some fireworks. The police arrested them. One was charged and the other was let off.

I didn't think a chiropractor would improve my posture.

But I stand corrected.

Did you hear about the two ships that collided in the English Channel.
One carrying Red Paint, the other Blue Paint.

Both crews were Marooned!

What's brown and sticky? Poo!

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

The stables have turned.

My manager is threatening to sack the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me.

LADIES, if he can’t appreciate your fruity jokes, then you need to let that mango!

On Diane Abbott's tour of Ireland she was asked if she liked County Down.

She said she preferred it when Carol Vorderman was on it..

I saw an advert in the local paper the other day for a nudist convention in town. Might go if I’ve got nothing on.

We were on a Cruise ship sailing across the Atlantic a few years ago.
My wife and I were sat in one of the bars chatting with a rather Posh Edinburgh couple.

The lady asked me what I did for a living and I told her my wife was retired and I was a Locksmith, I asked her what they did & she said they both worked for Cunard.

I said so do I ..... but there was no need to swear.

I’ve just hired an Eastern European cleaner. She took ages to do the hoovering. Turns out she was a Slovak.

I just found out I'm colorblind.

I was shocked as the diagnosis came completely out of the grey.

My New Years resolution is to stop using spray deodorant.......... roll on 2019!

Did I tell you my mate got sacked from the dodgems. He's put in a complaint for funfair dismissal. Still be swings and roundabouts whether he succeeds.

My friend recently passed away and I've just received a letter saying that he left me a really expensive antique watch in his will...

 I really hope it's not a wind up!

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising .... what person takes a knife on a date.

Here goes

Two Nuns in the bath

First nun : Where's the soap ?


Second nun : It certainly does

Bloke goes into a chemist's and asks for some deodorant.
"Roll-on ball?"
"No, under-the-arm'll do fine."

JimMcDonald wrote:Going through abit of a sh1tty time recently and could do with a good laugh.

Come on Clarets hit me with some good ens.

Liz been playing away again?

A surgeon, a civil engineer, and a politician were arguing about which of them had the oldest profession.

The surgeon said, "God created woman by taking a rib from Adam - that's surgery, so mine is the oldest profession."

The civil engineer said, "But before that, God created the earth and the heavens by making order out of chaos. That's civil engineering job, so mine is the oldest profession."

And the politician said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"

Why have Elephants got big ears?

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

A mate of mine called me and said "fancy going abseiling at the weekend?"
I said "Abseiling? I wouldn't lower myself."

And the Venkys snowball.

Danieljwaterhouse wrote:Liz been playing away again?

It's Elizabeth if you don't mind.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% - it's called a wedding cake.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course, he'll shut up once you let it in.

I have a little guy a foot tall who plays a miniature grand piano, I got him as wish from my fairy godmother. I think she was a bit deaf because I wound up with a 12 inch pianist.

dsr wrote:A surgeon, a civil engineer, and a politician were arguing about which of them had the oldest profession.

The surgeon said, "God created woman by taking a rib from Adam - that's surgery, so mine is the oldest profession."

The civil engineer said, "But before that, God created the earth and the heavens by making order out of chaos. That's civil engineering job, so mine is the oldest profession."

And the politician said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"

My mate was a civil engineer....
The "Stress" at work used to get him down.

Another is a Dentist who went to see a Psychiatrist complaining of depression.
The Psychiatrist told him the problem was he was "looking down in the mouth" all day.

Chobulous wrote:It's Elizabeth if you don't mind.

So she is

Fenwick wrote:What's brown and sticky? Poo!

Or............a stick !

Dougall wrote:Or............a stick !

Or a Stick insect thats been on holiday......

I was feeling a bit down as well.
Having read these jokes I'm thinking of slitting my wrists.

A man in a Chinese restaurant
"excuse me waiter, but this chicken is rubbery"
waiter replies..."Oh thank you very much sir, thank you very much"

chekhov wrote:I was feeling a bit down as well.
Having read these jokes I'm thinking of slitting my wrists.

Funniest one of the day

I never believed for one second that wearing orthopaedic shoes would help my posture. But I stand corrected.

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

I saw an article about crime in multi-storey car parks.

That is wrong on so many different levels

Did you know ....
You can’t lose a homing pigeon.

If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back,
then what you’ve lost is just a pigeon

A friend of mine always dreamt of being run over by a steam train, when it happened he was chuffed to bits

FactualFrank wrote:I never believed for one second that wearing orthopaedic shoes would help my posture. But I stand corrected.

Excuse me Frank but I'm sure I've already seen that one on this board (and very recently!). Are you guilty of recycling your old jokes?