• Humorous football put downs ...

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:27 pm**

... Just heard Keown put down a Spurs defender by saying "he looks like he's got someone else's boots on".

So what phrases do you like? For eg: "he couldn't trap a bag of cement"

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:30 pm**

Frank Worthington, "Some players can trap a ball further than I can kick it"

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:31 pm**

He couldn't hit a barn door/ the backside of a cow with a banjo.

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:32 pm**

He couldn't hit a barn door/ the backside of a cow with a banjo.

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:38 pm**

I’ve seen milk turn quicker

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:38 pm**

Robbie Blake's divers' boots.

I almost typed diverse boots which would have been another story.

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:38 pm**

Not really a put down, but....

I’m not saying he’s pale and thin, but the maid in our hotel room pulled back the sheets and remade the bed without realising he was still in it

Clough on Brian Rice

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:39 pm**

Ten bob head

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:40 pm**

"His second touch is a tackle" (often said about Andre Gray)

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:46 pm**

Turns like a galleon under full sail...

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:50 pm**

If Everton were playing at the bottom of my garden I'd shut the curtains. Bill Shankly.

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:50 pm**

" I never comment on the Referee's performance, and I'm not breaking my rule for that prat ! " ( Ron Atkinson )

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:10 pm**

"His speed is deceptive - he's not as fast as he thinks he is !" the then Derby manager, Tommy Docherty on his own player - Leighton James.

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:20 pm**

He's got the first touch of a rapist.

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:33 pm**

A few from clough
wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one.
They say Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't on that particular job.
When you get to a certain age, there is no coming back.
Who the hell wants fourteen pairs of shoes when they go on holiday? I haven't had fourteen pairs in my life.
Don't send me flowers when I'm dead. If you like me, send them while I'm alive.
I want no epitaphs of profound history and all that type of thing. I contributed. I would hope they would say that, and I would hope somebody liked me.
If a chairman sacks the manager he initially appointed, he should go as well.
On occasions I have been big-headed. I think most people are when they get in the limelight. I call myself Big Head just to remind myself not to be.

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:34 pm**

"I wouldn't say I am the best football manager, but I'm in the top one" Brian Clough....

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:42 pm**

He's taken a knock to his head, about 5ft 11ins from his brain.

Can't remember who said this.

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:47 pm**

I was looking for some from the Crazy Gang, I'm sure Jones, Wise etc were well known for their wind-up but found this instead from Lineker: "the best way to watch Wimbledon is on Ceefax".

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:55 pm**

I wouldn't sell him a virus. Sir Alex on Rafa Benitez.

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:58 pm**

Couldn’t hit a barn door even if he was locked inside it.

Didn’t cloughie say to one of his players something along the lines of “when you get the ball, give it to him, cos he’s a better footballer than you”

And to Leeds Utd players “Chuck all your medals in the bin, because you havent won them honestly” he had that team sussed alright.

Peter Swan has the turning circle of a supertanker. Me. I said that.

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:59 pm**

Longside4evr wrote: ↑
Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:33 pm
A few from clough
wouldn't say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one.
They say Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't on that particular job.
When you get to a certain age, there is no coming back.
Who the hell wants fourteen pairs of shoes when they go on holiday? I haven't had fourteen pairs in my life.
Don't send me flowers when I'm dead. If you like me, send them while I'm alive.
I want no epitaphs of profound history and all that type of thing. I contributed. I would hope they would say that, and I would hope somebody liked me.
If a chairman sacks the manager he initially appointed, he should go as well.
On occasions I have been big-headed. I think most people are when they get in the limelight. I call myself Big Head just to remind myself not to be.

On being linked with the Republic of Ireland Manager's job, on a part-time basis ...
" Travel wouldn't be a problem, a quick walk across the Irish Sea " ...

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:59 pm**

“Would you prefer Lingard or Jones”

Zlatan “Or”

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 11:01 pm**

bobinho wrote: ↑
Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:58 pm
Didn’t cloughie say to one of his players something along the lines of “when you get the ball, give it to him, cos he’s a better footballer than you”

Allegedly said to John McGovern, instructing him to pass to John Robertson, I believe ..

Posted: **Tue Jan 14, 2020 11:54 pm**

Cloughie’s sense of humour. He loved McGovern, whenever Cloughie moved to another club, McGovern would be his first signing, just like managers now take their backroom staff with them.

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:17 am**

Not a put down but one manager said after being drawn against Dukla Prague in a European game "it's gonna be a new experience for all of us, none of the lads have ever played in Dukla"

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 1:08 am**

"He goes down so easily I just need to touch him"
R. Vardy

ok that's made up

it was C. Rooney
also made up

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 3:24 am**

When new manager Cadbury’s button held his first team talk.
The striker said “ what do you know about football your just a Cadbury’s button?”

I know your not playing, young man!

Wonder how many will have a clue... I feel old.

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 6:42 am**

brunlea99 wrote: ↑
Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:10 pm
"His speed is deceptive - he's not as fast as he thinks he is !" the then Derby manager, Tommy Docherty on his own player - Leighton James.

I believe someone also said: 'His speed is deceptive- he's slower than he looks'.

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:25 am**

When Usain Bolt was having a try at football in Australia. Andy Keogh said he would never make it because ‘ he has a touch like a trampoline’

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:44 am**

Cloughie on Larry Lloyd..

Only player to win 2 England caps on the same day.., his first and his last !!

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 9:55 am**

Gordon Strachan, describing Wayne Rooney's first England call-up:

"It’s an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you’re more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:48 am**

and one from Cricket about David Gower allegedly..

"He's so spineless his friends have to carry him around in a bucket."

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:51 am**

elwaclaret wrote: ↑
Wed Jan 15, 2020 3:24 am
When new manager Cadbury’s button held his first team talk.
The striker said “ what do you know about football your just a Cadbury’s button?”
I know your not playing, young man!
Wonder how many will have a clue... I feel old.

One of my managers, “I’ve been dropped from better teams than you’ve played for”.
Me, “I’ve never been dropped”.
Manager, “You’re dropped”.

He did play me.

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 10:51 am**

One the 1st games my Brother attended at Turf Moor (he used to live in Scunthorpe) was against Sunderland a 1-1 draw in the 94/95 season at the end of April.

At the time we were almost relegated but not quite....

He still talks about the Sunderland Fans singing "your going down cos yer sh1te" at us... the whole Longside started to sing back "we're going down cos we're sh1te" and the Sunderland fans went quiet, he didn't think they could quite grasp the gallows humour of the Clarets.

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:14 am**

As much use as a chocolate teapot/fireguard

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:21 am**

groove wrote: ↑
Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:20 pm
He's got the first touch of a rapist.

FFS. Who said that???

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:29 am**

Another cricket one (and I'm not a fan but I love this):

A South African player responding to the question from an England player in a test as he walked off after being out 'why are you so f*cking fat'?

'Because every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit'.

Wish I could remember who it was.

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:46 am**

houseboy wrote: ↑
Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:29 am
Another cricket one (and I'm not a fan but I love this):

A South African player responding to the question from an England player in a test as he walked off after being out 'why are you so f*cking fat'?

'Because every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit'.

Wish I could remember who it was.

Another great cricket one was Merve Hughes to Graham Hick.... "hey Hicky if you turn your bat over it has instructions on the other side"

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:54 am**

Jimmy greaves once asked a ref " if I call you a cxxt what would you do " ref :"I'd send you off " Jimmy:"what if I think you're a cxxt " ref :" i can't do anything " Jimmy:"ok , i think you're a cxxt " .

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:06 pm**

Man U are the second team in Salford.

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:17 pm**

Another Merve Hughes one was "Hey Hick theres some sh1t on the end of your bat...." when Hick looked at the toe-end of his bat to see what was there, Hughes laughed and said "Wrong end mate"

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:18 pm**

houseboy wrote: ↑
Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:29 am
Another cricket one (and I'm not a fan but I love this):

A South African player responding to the question from an England player in a test as he walked off after being out 'why are you so f*cking fat'?

'Because every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit'.

Wish I could remember who it was.

It was Ed Brandes to Glenn McGrath

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:20 pm**

https://talksport.com/uncategorized/970 ... -sledging/

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:31 pm**

Herts Clarets wrote: ↑
Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:18 pm
It was Ed Brandes to Glenn McGrath

Thanks bud - so glad you let me know, I was told about it years ago but could never remember the players involved.

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:37 pm**

houseboy wrote: ↑
Wed Jan 15, 2020 11:21 am
FFS. Who said that???

Me, about Andre Gray.

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:40 pm**

groove wrote: ↑
Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:37 pm
Me, about Andre Gray.

Nice one.

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 12:41 pm**

Stan commenting on a Glen Little' penalty miss away at Man City..

"It's about 192 square feet and all he has to do is miss the goalie"

And on a, let's say, 'lacklustre' performance by Arthur Gnohere..

" He seemed to have his head up his arse"

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 2:04 pm**

Tweet I saw the other week.

“Burnley are like Bilbao in a way. Bilbao only sign basque players, Burnley only sign players with a fork lift truck licence”

Hahaha Brilliant

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 2:16 pm**

When Jimmy Ormond came into bat in his first Test against Australia in 2001, Mark Waugh called out to him .. " Mate, what the f**k are you doing here ? There's no way you're good enough to play for England ! " .... quick as a flash, Ormond replied, " Maybe not, pal, but at least I'm the best player in MY family ! ". Even the Aussie's burst out laughing at that one ....

Posted: **Wed Jan 15, 2020 3:00 pm**

He's got the turning circle of the QE2.

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