• Ian Wright: Home Truths

Posted: **Thu May 06, 2021 10:18 pm**

Did you watch the programme?

It felt so familiar to my own childhood, I had tears running down my nose (strangely the inside

).

So many years of being told “you have great parents!” but the reality was so different.

Dad used to try punch my younger sisters. I used to intervene and let him hit my head. At least he wasn’t hitting them. Years later, I asked them if they remembered those days but they didn’t. I’m ok with that. I’d prefer them not to remember.

My big fear was I would treat my kids the same.

One of my daughter’s friends asked her “What is your Dad like?” She thought about it, and finally said “Kind”. That meant so much to me.

To anyone who has been brought up abused....it doesn’t mean wile will become abusers.

My Dad used to beat me shouting “I will beat you so much your Mum won’t recognise you!” But he’s dead now and I’ve learned to forgive.

He hadn’t been educated Into how to bring up children. He was an only child.

Finally, if you are hurting your partner or children, go seek help. We can change, we don’t have to be our parents.

Posted: **Thu May 06, 2021 10:28 pm**

LoveCurryPies wrote: ↑
Thu May 06, 2021 10:18 pm

He hadn’t been educated Into how to bring up children. He was an only child.

You don't need to be educated in how to bring up kids or have siblings to know you don't beat children. There are no excuses.

I didn't watch the programme.

Posted: **Thu May 06, 2021 10:34 pm**

My point BOT is, we are educated in everything else but not the most important challenge we will face.

Otherwise, all we have is our own upbringing to guide us.

But wouldn’t it be so much better to be prepared in how to deal with a baby that cries day and night, or a teenager that rejects everything you do for them?

Posted: **Thu May 06, 2021 10:42 pm**

there are many people around today who would happily hit & beat their child as a form of punishment.
Man up, tough love 'n' all that.

Posted: **Thu May 06, 2021 10:48 pm**

LCP, that was such a powerful post I am glad you came through it,your daughters comments are testimony to what a dad should be and you must be so proud.

Posted: **Thu May 06, 2021 10:51 pm**

diamondpocket wrote: ↑
Thu May 06, 2021 10:42 pm
there are many people around today who would happily hit & beat their child as a form of punishment.
Man up, tough love 'n' all that.

Only a week or so ago on here we had someone advocating the birch as a form of punishment for children.

Posted: **Thu May 06, 2021 11:00 pm**

I'm just about to watch it.

Just last week, I took my best friend of 24 yrs, and uncle to my children, for an interview at a rehab centre to see if he qualified to become a resident, he does by some margin.
Part of the rehab involves unpacking any long term mental issues that led to his addictions.

When he was a child, his dad used to tell him lies about his mum, until he himself believed them and then he'd say it was true.
His Dad then used that as justification to beat my mates mum up.
My mate would then sit in his room and listen to his mum getting slapped around the house.
He even had to step in and take a beating for his siblings on occasion.

She eventually took my mate and his 2 other younger siblings and fled in the middle of the night when her husband was out, she was adamant he was going to kill her that night.
Odds on he would at some point as his first wife vanished and was never heard from or seen ever again...

The counsellor has determined this behaviour of his dad has been the core/root issue with my friend, he's self harmed, had numerous addictions (sex, gambling, cocaine) struggled to hold down jobs, uses humour to hide behind, disconnected himself from his mum and siblings and struggles getting close to most people, although thankfully he's found himself a good woman who's helped anchor him.

He's 40yrs old and he's been slowly unravelling before my eyes for a number of years now, but he's finally reached the point where he has made a cry for help.

Standing there watching him discuss some of his darkest issues and memories was heartbreaking and he's going to be on this journey for a minimum of 6 months when he gets in, but potentially a lot longer.

Part of his counselling sessions will involve conversations with me about certain things he did that affected his relationships with me over the years and my kids/his two bio nephews and non-bio niece.

My own childhood story is a disjointed one, but his story is far worse than mine.

This is just one example of what the actions of an abusive parent can lead too.

Personally I've always strived to be a better parent than my 3 parents (mum/dad and legal guardian who raised me from the age of 3-4 until 17) but none of them ever physically assaulted me or anyone in my (extended) family in front of me, so compared to my friend I'm lucky.

Posted: **Thu May 06, 2021 11:01 pm**

bfcjg wrote: ↑
Thu May 06, 2021 10:48 pm
LCP, that was such a powerful post I am glad you came through it,your daughters comments are testimony to what a dad should be and you must be so proud.

Ian Wright deserves any credit. The guy was prepared to go on tv and talk about Abuse in his childhood.

I thinks it’s very common. How sad is that?

The only way forward is better education. Being a parent is the biggest challenge any of us face and it would be so much better if we had been taught with how to deal with the many scenarios that we will face.

Violence is not knowing how to deal with a situation. But it doesn’t have to happen.

Posted: **Thu May 06, 2021 11:48 pm**

Just finished watching it.

Hard viewing, but definitely recommend it.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 2:08 am**

GodIsADeeJay81 wrote: ↑
Thu May 06, 2021 11:00 pm
I'm just about to watch it.

Just last week, I took my best friend of 24 yrs, and uncle to my children, for an interview at a rehab centre to see if he qualified to become a resident, he does by some margin.
Part of the rehab involves unpacking any long term mental issues that led to his addictions.

When he was a child, his dad used to tell him lies about his mum, until he himself believed them and then he'd say it was true.
His Dad then used that as justification to beat my mates mum up.
My mate would then sit in his room and listen to his mum getting slapped around the house.
He even had to step in and take a beating for his siblings on occasion.

She eventually took my mate and his 2 other younger siblings and fled in the middle of the night when her husband was out, she was adamant he was going to kill her that night.
Odds on he would at some point as his first wife vanished and was never heard from or seen ever again...

The counsellor has determined this behaviour of his dad has been the core/root issue with my friend, he's self harmed, had numerous addictions (sex, gambling, cocaine) struggled to hold down jobs, uses humour to hide behind, disconnected himself from his mum and siblings and struggles getting close to most people, although thankfully he's found himself a good woman who's helped anchor him.

He's 40yrs old and he's been slowly unravelling before my eyes for a number of years now, but he's finally reached the point where he has made a cry for help.

Standing there watching him discuss some of his darkest issues and memories was heartbreaking and he's going to be on this journey for a minimum of 6 months when he gets in, but potentially a lot longer.

Part of his counselling sessions will involve conversations with me about certain things he did that affected his relationships with me over the years and my kids/his two bio nephews and non-bio niece.

My own childhood story is a disjointed one, but his story is far worse than mine.

This is just one example of what the actions of an abusive parent can lead too.

Personally I've always strived to be a better parent than my 3 parents (mum/dad and legal guardian who raised me from the age of 3-4 until 17) but none of them ever physically assaulted me or anyone in my (extended) family in front of me, so compared to my friend I'm lucky.

I too grew up in a very abusive household & ended up leaving a note on the kitchen table and fleeing.
You grow up assuming everyone else is being beaten in their own house, that it's normal.
Even when you think you've got over it,... it's always there in the background.

I have an 8 year old daughter & i make sure every day that i'm not like my parents were.
UTC.
Good on Ian Wright for speaking up.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 7:27 am**

This was a very brave thing for Ian to do.
I taught for 6 yrs in a Barnardo's residential school catering for kids with behaviour related learning disabilities. They had houses at the school with social workers in family groups .We had 4 to5 in a class trying to instill some normality into students who had suffered with physical, sexual and mental abuse.We were told that you won't know if you've succeed till the students return with their grandchildren. There are people out there who survive horrendous early life issues but theres still a lot who dont.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 7:37 am**

I must admit, I saw it on the schedule and thought it looked a bit heavy going so gave it a miss.

The thing that struck me about the lack of education in parenting is the process of training and assessments me and my wife had to go through to adopt.

No complaints about it, the children are in LA care and they need to be sure about who they are accepting as adopters but couples starting a family do just that with no kind of education or guidance.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 7:55 am**

We have a DD with the nspcc, the work they and other similar charities do is amazing and it takes special people to be on the front line, I couldn't do it as I would rage at the perpetrators and have nightmares thinking about the children.
It would appear there is serious problems at both ends of lifes spectrum with neglect and abuse.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 8:22 am**

GodIsADeeJay81 wrote: ↑
Thu May 06, 2021 11:48 pm
Just finished watching it.

Hard viewing, but definitely recommend it.

Absolutely.
On the other hand, I was heartened - having been in the pastoral side of education for half of my career - that real efforts continue to be made to try to stem the tide with all kinds of intervention being made for the lucky ones.
We need this system to be readily available but, as we've seen with CAHMS, the child mental health care group, massive funding is essential to stop the whole process being overwhelmed by numbers and grinding to a halt. As usual, schools are being asked to do society's dirty work, as they should, but a little help in the form of staffing and finance wouldnt go amiss. It's all done on the cheap and there's the problem. It's a massive issue but not important enough to tackle properly apparently.
One of the most influential intervening organisation's in Ian Wright's programme ? A charity. .....
Brilliantly professional and fabulous at what they do, of course, but pisssing in the wind to some extent, I'd imagine.
It's an awful problem and a real indictment of our country and its so-called values.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 9:44 am**

I have to admire Ian Wright, what you see is what you get. The bloke who does The True Geordie podcast said Wrighty was his favourite guest because he held nothing back, to the point of being in tears on a show that's not particularly about delving into incredibly serious subject matter.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 10:10 am**

It must be horrendously difficult for the victims on the receiving end, my friend had the right idea he took the beatings off his drunken father & waited bided his time whilst taking up secret kickboxing classes & 1 day as he eventually got older & the kickboxing classes reached fruition, the father had drunk 1 too many & started again & the son give the father a leathering, the abuse ended that same day, saying that that extreme course of action isn’t always favourable or viable but it certainly works it’s only the way to stand up to bullies is to fight back.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 10:12 am**

It's one way, not the only way. It worked in the case you claim to be true - for many others, it would not end so well.
Education and investment is the long term answer.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 10:13 am**

Jakubclaret wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 10:10 am
It must be horrendously difficult for the victims on the receiving end, my friend had the right idea he took the beatings off his drunken father & waited bided his time whilst taking up secret kickboxing classes & 1 day as he eventually got older & the kickboxing classes reached fruition, the father had drunk 1 too many & started again & the son give the father a leathering, the abuse ended that same day, saying that that extreme course of action isn’t always favourable or viable but it certainly works it’s only the way to stand up to bullies is to fight back.

Thankfully, society now sees it differently.
Attitudes akin to the above do nothing to help and merely perpetuate violence.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 10:16 am**

fatboy47 wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 10:13 am
Thankfully society now sees it differently.
Attitudes akin to the above do nothing to help and merely perpetuate violence.

I agree to a certain degree I don’t condone violence in any shape or form but you can’t argue with the effectiveness in stopping the problem in its tracks, most of us have been bullied at some stage in our lives & the day you hit back at the bully effectively is the day the torment ends.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 10:28 am**

Jakubclaret wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 10:16 am
I agree to a certain degree I don’t condone violence in any shape or form but you can’t argue with the effectiveness in stopping the problem in its tracks, most of us have been bullied at some stage in our lives & the day you hit back at the bully effectively is the day the torment ends.

As Eddie said, Jakub, the answer lies in education. Giving the perpetrator a much deserved fat lip isnt actually in the skillset of many.....especially women...and even when it is deployed its only ever been shown to move the problem on to someone weaker and more vulnerable.

In all the best stories the bad guy gets his comeuppance in the end, but sadly real life doesn't pan out like that. I've worked around the domestic violence scene for years now.. If I could solve anything by handing out some boxing gloves and a few weights then believe me I would.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 10:38 am**

LCP you brought a tear to my eye.

Kindness is your badge of honour.

Proud to be your fellow Claret.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 10:39 am**

An excellent post, fatboy, an excellent post.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 11:48 am**

I've often thought that to qualify for family allowance that you are obliged to attend parenting classes. (Practical difficulties I know, especially with the problem of 'absent fathers.) In todays world there is a lot more awareness of domestic abuse and so hopefully a lot less of it. However it is obvious that it is still widespread and , of course, includes men abusing their partners and wives. (Can apply the other way round but this is a lot less common
but equally awful.)

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 12:07 pm**

I think this is a really nice and valuable thread.

Not directly related to football & Ian Wright but something that has affected (and still affects) the lives of innocent and defenseless children.

I have been lucky to become a dad at a somewhat older age, and have two daughters who are now 5 and 7. Every time they manage to get under my skin, I realize that this is due to the fact that they resemble me when I was young. Even though I had a brilliant youth with loving parents, they have completely changed my outlook on life, and everything comes second to their happiness (even a disappointing defeat)...

Credit to the OP, not only for posting what he did, but for turning things to the better for his own kids.

UTC & love to all

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 12:19 pm**

Bin Ont Turf wrote: ↑
Thu May 06, 2021 10:28 pm
You don't need to be educated in how to bring up kids or have siblings to know you don't beat children. There are no excuses.

I didn't watch the programme.

This is such a inflammatory and silly statement.

Abuse isn’t always the ‘fault’ of one individual. No one asks to be abused or be an abuser. There’s perpetual cycles of abuse. Children see abuse, they lodge that in their brains and memories and the then when presented with the same stimulus they act out the memory.

For example, child observes Dad come home from pub drunk, wife challenges dad verbally, dad hits wife in face, wife leaves room and dad goes to bed.

Fast forward, child is now in school, female teacher challenges child about something, child looks into memories and asks ‘what do we do when a female challenges us?’ Brain responds with punch her she will go away. Child punches, female teacher leaves. The action gets reinforced, Brian says ‘told you so’. Behaviour is more likely to reoccur. This is then carried forward into adult life and the cycle can continue. Add that a mentally healthy adult has six/seven traumas in their history that might be unresolved and lay dormant.

Abusive behaviour can be based on mistrust, culture, religion, historical behaviours, unresolved trauma, learning difficulties, and other categories. Adults very rarely set out to abuse children directly. It is usually based on one of the factors above.

There has to be systems of support out in place to safeguard everybody, sadly these will sometimes fail. Then it is our duty to learn from then to avoid the same mistakes.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 1:27 pm**

https://twitter.com/IanWright0/status/1 ... 64459?s=19

Great statement from Wright about last nights show.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 4:06 pm**

Those numbers are staggering!

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 8:11 pm**

As a slight aside, I’ve seen the clip previously, but seeing Ian meet his old teacher at Highbury is properly heart warming.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 8:38 pm**

fatboy47 wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 10:28 am
As Eddie said, Jakub, the answer lies in education. Giving the perpetrator a much deserved fat lip isnt actually in the skillset of many.....especially women...and even when it is deployed its only ever been shown to move the problem on to someone weaker and more vulnerable.

In all the best stories the bad guy gets his comeuppance in the end, but sadly real life doesn't pan out like that. I've worked around the domestic violence scene for years now.. If I could solve anything by handing out some boxing gloves and a few weights then believe me I would.

With all the best intent & with the best “education” in the world the violence will still continue as some people will inevitably slip through the net, & if the victims wish to fight back or try to gain the upper hand to reduce/stop the suffering I think that course of action is commendable in the circumstances whilst not condoning violence but recognising as a last resort it will happen, I think you have to try to put yourself in a situation where you are receiving good hidings & nothing else & then you will start to realise why fighting back is the only viable/practical option available to some victims.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 9:06 pm**

Bin Ont Turf wrote: ↑
Thu May 06, 2021 10:28 pm
You don't need to be educated in how to bring up kids or have siblings to know you don't beat children. There are no excuses.

I didn't watch the programme.

You shouldn’t be having children in the first place education or no education full stop, in every town/city within England some sort of a scheme should exist where free/voluntary donations, self defence classes are held on a periodical basis involving karate & wing chun to offset dominance aggression in 1 sided relationships & even to boost people’s mental health generally even when conflicts aren’t occurring.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 9:12 pm**

Claret_tinted wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 12:19 pm
This is such a inflammatory and silly statement.

Thank you.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 9:38 pm**

Bin Ont Turf wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 9:12 pm
Thank you.

Oh you are a silly boy

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 9:59 pm**

Top Claret wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 9:38 pm
Oh you are a silly boy

Thanks, you're too kind.

It's the way of this country now, excuse after excuse for nasty pieces of work, and less thought for victims.

Pain and suffering replaced by, oh look at me aren't I thinking about the poor beggar who has killed his/her child.

It's like they don't feel pain themselves, poor things.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 11:24 pm**

Bin Ont Turf wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 9:59 pm
Thanks, you're too kind.

It's the way of this country now, excuse after excuse for nasty pieces of work, and less thought for victims.

Pain and suffering replaced by, oh look at me aren't I thinking about the poor beggar who has killed his/her child.

It's like they don't feel pain themselves, poor things.

Not one person on this board would for a second discount the impact on the victim. Everyone deserves to be protected to enjoy a good life free from harm. It’s not the way of the country, and I take umbrage with your suggestion it is.

How can you argue with habitual cycles of behaviour?

Is someone you know, a wife, or child, scared of spiders? What do they do when they see one? Scream, run away, hit out and kill
It?

Chances are they’ve not come across a spider that’s caused them harm, there are no spiders in this country that can do that. So why the reaction?

It’s an adopted behaviour, likely subconsciously adopted in early childhood from a mother or grandmother.

Ask someone why they’re scared of spiders and they can’t answer

Apply this to the subject abs you’ve got another explanation for why we as complex human systems act irrationally and emotionally.

You may not like it, but you can’t disagree with it.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 11:45 pm**

Claret_tinted wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 11:24 pm

You may not like it, but you can’t disagree with it.

I can disagree with it, and I will.

You've gone from punching teachers to spiders to try and make some point.

You're a nonsense, so stop quoting me.

Posted: **Fri May 07, 2021 11:52 pm**

Bin Ont Turf wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 9:59 pm
Thanks, you're too kind.

It's the way of this country now, excuse after excuse for nasty pieces of work, and less thought for victims.

Pain and suffering replaced by, oh look at me aren't I thinking about the poor beggar who has killed his/her child.

It's like they don't feel pain themselves, poor things.

At some point many of those nasty pieces of work were the actual victim in the first place and that's something you're wilfully ignoring.

If you've watched Ian Wright's programme you'd know that to be the case, which makes your comment even more bizarre.

If you haven't watched it then maybe you should.

Children are born as a blank canvas, they learn everything from the environment they're raised in and take that into adulthood, be it racism, sexism, homophobia or just general physical/mental abuse.

If its the norm in their life to see a man beating a woman, they'll potentially do the same when they grow up.
Then if they've got kids, they'll grow up thinking its the norm and so on.

Not all kids will grow up thinking its right, or normal, to beat their partners, but enough of them will and that's why we can't just focus solely on the victim from now, we have to look further back up the chain to the past to see what the catalyst was for the aggressor.

Some aggressors are just that and there never was a catalyst, whilst others were raised in the same environment they grew up to create.

It doesn't mean they should be excused for what they've done though, but society needs to learn from its past and put structures in place so we can reduce the number of people, both men and women, who grow into aggressors.

Posted: **Sat May 08, 2021 9:45 am**

Bin Ont Turf wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 11:45 pm
I can disagree with it, and I will.

You've gone from punching teachers to spiders to try and make some point.

You're a nonsense, so stop quoting me.

You need to educate yourself about something it seems you know very little about.

The fact you’ve missed the point and want to stand beside your views is alarming. What’s more worrying, is that you have access to ‘free speech’ of this boards which allows you to pedal your offensive views and idiotic understanding to a wider audience.

Posted: **Sat May 08, 2021 10:42 am**

Claret_tinted wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 11:24 pm
Not one person on this board would for a second discount the impact on the victim. Everyone deserves to be protected to enjoy a good life free from harm. It’s not the way of the country, and I take umbrage with your suggestion it is.

How can you argue with habitual cycles of behaviour?

Is someone you know, a wife, or child, scared of spiders? What do they do when they see one? Scream, run away, hit out and kill
It?

Chances are they’ve not come across a spider that’s caused them harm, there are no spiders in this country that can do that. So why the reaction?

It’s an adopted behaviour, likely subconsciously adopted in early childhood from a mother or grandmother.

Ask someone why they’re scared of spiders and they can’t answer

Apply this to the subject abs you’ve got another explanation for why we as complex human systems act irrationally and emotionally.

You may not like it, but you can’t disagree with it.

Studies are concluding contradictory & conflicting views regarding our eight legged friends, it’s rare & dependant on the species of spider, I wouldn’t describe all the native species as completely harmless.

https://metro.co.uk/2020/12/03/spiders- ... 95024/amp/

Posted: **Sat May 08, 2021 8:11 pm**

DCWat wrote: ↑
Fri May 07, 2021 8:11 pm
As a slight aside, I’ve seen the clip previously, but seeing Ian meet his old teacher at Highbury is properly heart warming.

Never seen the clip before but have heard him talk about the teacher. It was very emotional, you can not fake that - you can see with the way he touches his hand that he genuinely thought he was dead and touch was the only way to confirm it was real.

The programme and statistics were alarming, feel for anyone who has suffered this abuse. Hopefully services, identifying and addressing the problem continues to improve.

My mother said to me today "imagine the cruelty of making a young football mad boy face the wall whilst MOTD was on". Let's hope the programme helps Ian

Ian Wright: Home Truths

Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths

Re: Ian Wright: Home Truths