• Beat the Edinburgh Fringe Perrier Award

Posted: **Wed Aug 04, 2021 12:36 am**

Each Edinburgh Fringe has a Perrier Award for the best joke.

This an alternative competition thread for any would-be contender for the best joke, informally and no prize.

I'm putting forward my joke as follows:

A man gets a greyhound from a pet rescue centre and to help each get to know each other, the rescue centre had created an app. whereby the owner and the dog's interaction was filmed and the app. described what was going on.

The next morning the owner gets up early and shouts 'Walkies' and the dog doesn't respond and instead sways its head and neck and whines, so he gets the app. out and tries again and records it and the same things happens so he presses the app. and it replies 'The dog is saying that it doesn't get out of bed for less than $10,000.

Posted: **Wed Aug 04, 2021 12:26 pm**

It must be the way you tell 'em, Psotto!

Posted: **Wed Aug 04, 2021 12:49 pm**

Pstotto wrote: ↑
Wed Aug 04, 2021 12:36 am
Each Edinburgh Fringe has a Perrier Award for the best joke.

This an alternative competition thread for any would-be contender for the best joke, informally and no prize.

I'm putting forward my joke as follows:

A man gets a greyhound from a pet rescue centre and to help each get to know each other, the rescue centre had created an app. whereby the owner and the dog's interaction was filmed and the app. described what was going on.

The next morning the owner gets up early and shouts 'Walkies' and the dog doesn't respond and instead sways its head and neck and whines, so he gets the app. out and tries again and records it and the same things happens so he presses the app. and it replies 'The dog is saying that it doesn't get out of bed for less than $10,000.

So what was the punchline? Did you miss that off the end?

Posted: **Wed Aug 04, 2021 12:54 pm**

Pstotto wrote: ↑
Wed Aug 04, 2021 12:36 am
Each Edinburgh Fringe has a Perrier Award for the best joke.

This an alternative competition thread for any would-be contender for the best joke, informally and no prize.

I'm putting forward my joke as follows:

A man gets a greyhound from a pet rescue centre and to help each get to know each other, the rescue centre had created an app. whereby the owner and the dog's interaction was filmed and the app. described what was going on.

The next morning the owner gets up early and shouts 'Walkies' and the dog doesn't respond and instead sways its head and neck and whines, so he gets the app. out and tries again and records it and the same things happens so he presses the app. and it replies 'The dog is saying that it doesn't get out of bed for less than $10,000.

Stick to art, and baffling diatribes

Posted: **Wed Aug 04, 2021 1:17 pm**

My joke' is better than your two efforts so far.

Posted: **Wed Aug 04, 2021 1:35 pm**

Why do Ukrainians get up early?

Because they don't want to be rushin

Posted: **Wed Aug 04, 2021 1:38 pm**

2 nuns in a bath, one says....

Probably wise to stop there before offending someone

Posted: **Wed Aug 04, 2021 7:12 pm**

ŽižkovClaret wrote: ↑
Wed Aug 04, 2021 1:35 pm
Why do Ukrainians get up early?

Because they don't want to be rushin

Why should you always make sure your flies are done up in Ukraine?
Chernobyl fallout.

Posted: **Thu Aug 05, 2021 9:01 am**

2 nuns cycling down a country lane

one says to the other "ooh ive never come that way before"

other one replies "must be the cobbles"

Posted: **Thu Aug 05, 2021 9:31 am**

I have actually been to the Edinbugh Fringe and attended numerous "gigs" set up in tiny beer gardens, back yards and basement cellars etc, where the 6 cast members actually outnumber the audience and tbh, Pstotto's joke is one of the funniest I've heard. (Draw your own conclusions about some of the "talent" on show at said fringe festival!!

)

Posted: **Thu Aug 05, 2021 9:45 am**

I have actually performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and we were awful but we made a profit just about with quite a good audience figure of about 40 a night for a week's showing.

When they give the awards out for jokes they're often seem beatable so I've had a go.

I have seen some good shows at The Assembly Rooms which is a bit quite a big Fringe gig and costs quite a bit to hire.

40 years ago nearly since I've been, though.

DC, I'm glad somebody likes my joke.

Posted: **Thu Aug 05, 2021 5:25 pm**

I’ve been thinking about selling my John Lennon collection on eBay.

Imagine all the PayPal.

Posted: **Fri Aug 06, 2021 9:30 am**

What goes Ahh Ahh Ahh ?

A Sheep with no lips.

Posted: **Fri Aug 06, 2021 7:48 pm**

There's a comedian on stage and he says to the audience "Just supposing Donovan had bought Watford instead of Elton John" and then he starts singing:

"Chiedozie Chiedozie
Chiedozie Chiedozie
Chiedozie Chiedozie
He played

Chiedozie Chiedozie
Chiedozie Chiedozie
Chiedozie Chiedozie
He played."

And a member of the audience shouts out "Chiedozie never played for Watford" and the comedian replies "Donovan never managed them either."

Posted: **Fri Aug 06, 2021 8:14 pm**

Pstotto wrote: ↑
Wed Aug 04, 2021 1:17 pm
My joke' is better than your two efforts so far.

But not as good as this one Pstotto.
What time is it when there is a Meat Pie on top of Big Ben ?.......Somat to Eight.

Posted: **Fri Aug 06, 2021 9:11 pm**

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman go to the pub......and have a thoroughly good night.
A joke for modern times.

Posted: **Fri Aug 06, 2021 9:18 pm**

The Chinese have taken over and the culture ministry are going over children's nursery rhymes and they get to Peter and Paul and so they listen to a recording and it goes "Fly away Peter, fly away Paul, come back Peter come back Paul."

...And the culture minister representative think and says replace it with this: Come back soon.

Posted: **Fri Aug 06, 2021 9:38 pm**

If you check google translate and for Chinese you write 'soon' the English translation is 'soon.'

However if you do it the other way round and The Chinese translation of the English meaning of 'soon' it says 'hen kuai.'

That's not linguistically fair, is it?

Posted: **Fri Aug 06, 2021 9:50 pm**

I like a good laugh but I might be missing something on these threads utc

Posted: **Fri Aug 06, 2021 10:31 pm**

This English bloke he can't pull Scottish lassies so he consults online and it says 'You don't look like Scott's Porridge oats."

Bloke takes the Greyhound back to the pet rescue center as the don't get on but he keeps the 'getting on' app.

He goes down town and he sees this barmaid from Dartford who used to live in the flat below him and he looks over and she scowls back and he has it on record so he tries out the app. and it says 'She doesn't like you because you don't look like Bob Hoskins.'

This is the pet recuse center get along with your dog app.?

???????

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 10:50 am**

Bring me the Monet:

https://www.theartnewspaper.com/news/da ... dundancies

The world's worst ever paintings, except it's no joke.

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 1:20 pm**

"F*k U paint something for me."....????

Or is it a joke???? If Cartier made paintings...

One only has to think of jewelry and detail and dexterous manipulation of material means to manufacture pictorial scenes and that????????????

Noddy paints Monet would produce a better result.

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 1:22 pm**

"Let's put these up and see if anybody notices'

Candid Camera 1965 etc.

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 1:28 pm**

...Or is it showing off that THEY ARE 'F*K U paint something for me' art for the in-crowd at Cartier or is it proud to be international supporters of 'F*k U buy some lousy art off me.'?

... And that's the joke and it serves good press use for keeping the plebs in the dark about something going on 'over their heads' and as such it media performs the role of socially mobile exclusion burlesque to keep everyone else green with envy like the broadsheet media and the more mediocre the more galling it is to everyone else.

If it were a Hancock script it fits but that's all it is.

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 1:55 pm**

"See the pink paint under light and it's all... And I've heard they will be wearing the Stars in Their Eyes heat-identifying shades and their entourage all have double barrel glasses":

https://youtu.be/H_7Kx2FlFQY

"Wiv just gottoffthelicotper from Bratford."

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 2:23 pm**

Ex-bouncer Darwen Wetherspoons recording his memoirs and looking back at the job and he says "It's the only place I ever worked where I used to bend over backwards to keep an eye on the clientele."

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 5:47 pm**

Budding artist enters the Dragon's Den and starts the pitch for the investment and they start off saying 'My work questions' and at that moment one of the Dragons says 'Come back when you've got an answer.'

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 6:14 pm**

Garfield Sobers interviewed about his record breaking televised six sixes and the ask him about it in retrospect and he laughs and says "Well the thing about cricket is that you can only be once, twice and not three times the devil."

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 6:57 pm**

Rabid intellectualism spouting off about this and that, pet rescue app. again... "They've got wind."

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 7:12 pm**

Bloke gets his tenner out at the bar and the barmaid, phobia of anything not plastic looks at him suspicious and he says "I'm a Formula One racing driver, I only leave the house with a fixed amount of money."

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 9:40 pm**

A bloke goes in to a bar with a spool of yarn and says to the patrons, “I’ll buy you all a drink if only you can unravel this.”

So, wanting a free drink, a chap at the bar takes the spool and starts unraveling it.

Two hours later, the landlord calls time and the chap still hasn’t managed to do it.

“I don’t understand. It looks like a normal spool of yarn.”

The bloke replies, “it’s one of those pstotto ones. Nobody ever gets to the end of those threads.”

Posted: **Sat Aug 07, 2021 9:50 pm**

Two 90 yr old ladies were sat on a park bench...
1st lady says "What time is it"
2nd one says "It's Thursday"
1st one replies "So am I lets go get a cup of Tea"

Posted: **Sun Aug 08, 2021 12:46 am**

I tried Boots but it ran through the lace holes.

That's as close I can get to Psotto!

Posted: **Sun Aug 08, 2021 8:24 am**

Where’s Bernard Manning when we need him?

Posted: **Sun Aug 08, 2021 9:11 am**

What's a foot long and slippery?

Slippers.

Posted: **Sun Aug 08, 2021 11:07 am**

Which band featured a lead singer with 2 birds of prey, vacuuming at midnight with the lights off......

Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers in the Dark

Posted: **Sun Aug 08, 2021 1:13 pm**

I fear the passion may be going from my marriage.... I asked my wife if she'd like some super sex, she said 'I'll have the soup"

Posted: **Sun Aug 08, 2021 1:18 pm**

My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian on his back. Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his right hand"...?.. The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban.

Posted: **Sun Aug 08, 2021 1:20 pm**

Vintage Claret wrote: ↑
Sun Aug 08, 2021 1:13 pm
I fear the passion may be going from my marriage.... I asked my wife if she'd like some super sex, she said 'I'll have the soup"

Hey Super Sex is banned on here

Posted: **Sun Aug 08, 2021 1:35 pm**

: FB_IMG_1628426095303.jpg (61.41 KiB) Viewed 4444 times

Posted: **Sun Aug 08, 2021 1:47 pm**

Some hits some misses on reflection...

Posted: **Sun Aug 08, 2021 1:50 pm**

Whats Brown and sticky...

A Stick

Posted: **Mon Aug 09, 2021 4:51 pm**

Classic classy girl t-shirt:

SEEN SHREK
BEEN WITH IT
GOT THE UGLY DOG
WRINKLY OLD BLOKES
NOW LOOK SEXY
DITCH DOG
PET CODGER

Posted: **Mon Aug 09, 2021 10:05 pm**

The Government Think Tank on the ultimate Capitalist Model decide to hire a media consultant and they suggest looking at TV programs for a leader as to what to do and so they decide to regress the nation first to get a level playing field of people then to build a universal standard state culture to start off with Question Number 1.

Posted: **Mon Aug 09, 2021 10:06 pm**

Who wants to be a millionaire?

Posted: **Mon Aug 09, 2021 10:08 pm**

Plumbingology.

Methodology.

Newsagentology.

Hairdresserology

Posted: **Mon Aug 09, 2021 11:00 pm**

An oligark buys a 60s American car for a million dollars he drive it 100 miles and it stops and he says "is that it?"

Posted: **Tue Aug 10, 2021 12:34 pm**

You have Phil Spector and 'The Wall of Sound' and then the condensed attempt at an equivalent from Oasis only theirs is a recreation of hanging on to the coat tails of their mother as she's yapping under the hair dryer at the salon with the Beatles on the radio.

Posted: **Tue Aug 10, 2021 9:24 pm**

You have your business model and you can paradigm shift it as a model applicable to all business transaction like Marx and The The Work of Art in The Age of Mechanical Reproduction, but he misses out art theory.

So it's a paper thin wafer of Semtex 10 M x 5 M and there's a Sodium foil on it and water soluble paint on top of that and... Marx?

A bit silly on that level.

More silly... Missing out art theory and when art theory was there i.e. 2D shape represents 3D form... Edinburgh College of Art agree?

Posted: **Tue Aug 10, 2021 9:28 pm**

"Damien?... That new canvas has arrived.

...And the big tubs of acrylic paint to splash on."

Beat the Edinburgh Fringe Perrier Award

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