My grandson is 4 yrs old,he can’t say please in Spanish that’s “por favor”( for the less bright ones ) that’s pronounced ‘poor for 4’ ,I’ll get mi coat .

A colleague of mine has the initials HG. If he got his water from holes in the ground would they be HG Wells?

Carwin261 Mick Miller haha

houseboy wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 13, 2023 10:27 am

A colleague of mine has the initials HG. If he got his water from holes in the ground would they be HG Wells?

Reminds me of my mate who keeps ringing me up saying "Cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

Xianclaret wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 13, 2023 10:28 am

Carwin261 Mick Miller haha

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: "Your patella is 2.54 cm tall!"
I said: "Inch-high knees?"
They said: "您的髌骨是2.54厘米高."

the_fat_shearer wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 13, 2023 10:58 am

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: "Your patella is 2.54 cm tall!"
I said: "Inch-high knees?"
They said: "您的髌骨是2.54厘米高."

^^^^^^
Winner right there, funny!

the_fat_shearer wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 13, 2023 10:58 am

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: "Your patella is 2.54 cm tall!"
I said: "Inch-high knees?"
They said: "您的髌骨是2.54厘米高."

I'm stealing this!

I swapped our bed for a trampoline. The wife hit the roof.

Why shouldn't you wear Russian underpants?

Chernobyl fallout.

https://corporate.uktv.co.uk/news/artic ... -revealed/

I don't want to plagiarise so attach the link.

I always read the 'Best of' every year

Rovers looking to sign experienced striker

Carwin261 wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 13, 2023 2:56 pm

Rovers looking to sign experienced strikerC8F7A934-38D8-4C37-8819-840B6974F951.jpeg

Looks like his eye liner makeup has come loose.

Fretters wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 13, 2023 12:15 pm

I'm stealing this!

…and you really did!

I went to the doctor's the other day and said I'd got an embarrassing problem that I believe to be hereditary. When he asked what it was I replied "diarrhoea". He said that diarrhoea wasn't hereditary.

"Well, it's in my jeans" I said.

Archaeologists have made a new discovery in the Valley of the Kings in Egypt, a tomb full of chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it's the last resting place of the great Pharoah Rocher

Jimmy goes to a bar with his mate and orders a drink. He sees a beautiful woman sat on her own so he approaches her. He considers small talk and then thinks of buying a drink but then he sees her looking into his eyes so he asks her straight out… “I’m Jimmy, I’m here for a quiet drink but I was wondering if you’d like to go back to mine and allow me to make sweet love to you?”

“Errr, sorry Jimmy, I would have liked that very much….but I’m afraid I can’t, I’m on my menstrual cycle..”

“Oh that’s ok, I’m on my moped, you can follow me home!”

A man came limping into the pub with his pants covered in blood.
“Iv been bit by a wolf ring an ambulance” he said
I rang the ambulance “Hello yeah I’m here with a lad he’s covered in blood he’s been bit by a wolf”
“Where”
“No I don’t think so just a normal one”

Tomorrow my daughter and I are getting new glasses....and after that?

We'll see....

I've just been offered a 62-inch TV for £25. The only problem is that the volume button doesn't work.

For that price though you can't turn it down.

jdrobbo wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 13, 2023 4:59 pm

Jimmy goes to a bar with his mate and orders a drink. He sees a beautiful woman sat on her own so he approaches her. He considers small talk and then thinks of buying a drink but then he sees her looking into his eyes so he asks her straight out… “I’m Jimmy, I’m here for a quiet drink but I was wondering if you’d like to go back to mine and allow me to make sweet love to you?”

“Errr, sorry Jimmy, I would have liked that very much….but I’m afraid I can’t, I’m on my menstrual cycle..”

“Oh that’s ok, I’m on my moped, you can follow me home!”

Gets my vote

Just asked the woman in Waterstones if Prince Harry’s book is available to download.

She said ‘do you want the PDF file?’

I said no, that’s his uncle.

Oh good, another excuse to tell my favourite joke....
' What time is it when a Meat Pie is on top of Big Ben...somat t'eyt '...
Well you said corny jokes !

A man walks into a pub, followed by an ostrich and a cat. He walks to the bar and asks for a a pint of beer. The ostrich asks for a pint of beer too, and the cat says "same as them, but I'm not paying." The bartender says "that'll be £12.84". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.84. The bartender asks, "how'd you do that?" and the man explains, "The other day I found an old lamp in the basement, so I rubbed it and out comes a genie. You know, he says he'll give me three wishes, so I ask him, I wish I always had exactly enough money in my pocket that I need." The bartender was visibly impressed! "Wow!", he exclaims, "That's amazing! When I hear people saying what they'd wish for, they say something like a million pounds or a fancy car, but that... that's the first time I've heard something practical! So, what else did you wish for?"

The man shrugs and says, "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy..."

I once bought a wooden car. Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.

Thieves who stole three tonnes of tarmac are believed to currently be in hiding.

A police spokesman said; "We are hoping that they will resurface soon”.

Just saw a bloke on a bus get struck by lightning…

I rushed over to see if he was ok. The driver said, "He's fine, he's a conductor!"

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she's a keeper

jdrobbo wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 13, 2023 3:08 pm

…and you really did!

Oh, I wasn't joking!

I keep telling my wife she shouldn't use those cotton buds made out of plastic but she doesn't take any notice. I just goes in one ear and out of the other!

cbx750 wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 13, 2023 10:42 pm

A man walks into a pub, followed by an ostrich and a cat. He walks to the bar and asks for a a pint of beer. The ostrich asks for a pint of beer too, and the cat says "same as them, but I'm not paying." The bartender says "that'll be £12.84". The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.84. The bartender asks, "how'd you do that?" and the man explains, "The other day I found an old lamp in the basement, so I rubbed it and out comes a genie. You know, he says he'll give me three wishes, so I ask him, I wish I always had exactly enough money in my pocket that I need." The bartender was visibly impressed! "Wow!", he exclaims, "That's amazing! When I hear people saying what they'd wish for, they say something like a million pounds or a fancy car, but that... that's the first time I've heard something practical! So, what else did you wish for?"

The man shrugs and says, "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy..."

That is just so funny I’m in fits.

Man walks into a bar with a box which he places on the bar. Barman can hear music coming from the box. After a while he can’t resist and asks the man what’s in the box. The man opens the box and inside is a little guy playing a piano. The barman says that’s great, where’d you get him. Man says my fairy godmother granted me 1 wish. Barman says ‘and that’s what you wished for?’ Not exactly says the man, I think she was slightly deaf, because I wound up with a twelve inch pianist.

I visited my mates allotment, and it was so perfect - all his herbs planted in perfect lines, and all in alphabetical order.

“Where do you find the time?”

“Over there, next to the sage”

A guy walks into a bar. He wears an expensive suit, and he has a beautiful woman with him. He also has an orange for a head. As soon as he walks in, all eyes turn to him. People can’t stop staring. He walks up to the bar, orders a round for the house, and pays with crisp, clean $100 bills. Not normally one to pry, the bartender says, “I can’t help but notice you appear rich, successful, and beloved. You also have an orange for a head, how did that happen?”

The guy with the orange for a head says, “Well, it’s a funny story, actually. One day, I was walking along the beach and I found this dusty old lamp in the sand. I picked it up, gave it a polish with my sleeve, and a genie popped out. As a reward for freeing him, he gave me three wishes.

“First, I wished for limitless success in business; and it was done.

“Then, I wished to be irresistible to people, particularly women; and it was done.

“Then — and this is the part where I admit I messed up a little — I wished that my head was an orange.”

What did the dog say when walking over sandpaper?

Rough rough.

Massivefloodlights wrote: ↑

Sun Jan 15, 2023 11:51 pm

What did the dog say when walking over sandpaper?

Rough rough.

As per the title, this has to be the winner of 'corniest joke of the day'.

A man wakes up from surgery after a terrible injury to his hand and learns that he’s had 3 of his fingers amputated.

He says to the doctor “will I still be able to drive with this hand like this?”

The doctor replies, “I would hope so, but don’t count on it.”

jdrobbo wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 13, 2023 4:59 pm

Jimmy goes to a bar with his mate and orders a drink. He sees a beautiful woman sat on her own so he approaches her. He considers small talk and then thinks of buying a drink but then he sees her looking into his eyes so he asks her straight out… “I’m Jimmy, I’m here for a quiet drink but I was wondering if you’d like to go back to mine and allow me to make sweet love to you?”

“Errr, sorry Jimmy, I would have liked that very much….but I’m afraid I can’t, I’m on my menstrual cycle..”

“Oh that’s ok, I’m on my moped, you can follow me home!”

I remember that from school! I am 69!

IanMcL wrote: ↑

Mon Jan 16, 2023 6:10 pm

I remember that from school! I am 69!

The oldies are the best

jdrobbo wrote: ↑

Mon Jan 16, 2023 6:38 pm

The oldies are the best

Indeed.

Have you heard about the latest Japanese motorbike?


The Itchyfanny.

2 Bee Holed wrote: ↑

Mon Jan 16, 2023 7:15 pm

Indeed.

Have you heard about the latest Japanese motorbike?


The Itchyfanny.

Or the bloke who thought a Royal Enfield was where the king kept his chickens?

Bought my first motorbike on tick. It was a Honder Never,Never

The 1st Motor Cycle was mentioned in the Bible....

"The sound of the Lords Triumph was heard throughout the land"

A man goes in to see his doctor and complains his Farts are very noisy and sound like a Motorbike backfiring.

The doctor tells him to drop his trousers for an examination.

After a few minutes the Doctor tells him to pull his pants up and take a seat ...

The Doctor tells him "you have an abcess in your Rectum..."

"An Abcess" he replies

"Yes ... surely everyone knows Abcess makes the Fart go Honda ........"

Bosscat wrote: ↑

Mon Jan 16, 2023 9:16 pm

The 1st Motor Cycle was mentioned in the Bible....

I think it was Moses' bike.

AfloatinClaret wrote: ↑

Mon Jan 16, 2023 9:52 pm

I think it was Moses' bike.

Near enough eh

Geordie goes to see his doctor and says "Doctor my wifes fanny tastes of coconut"

Doctor replies "Well it's bounty"

Doctor, my back really hurts when I wake up in the morning.

Wake up in the afternoon then.

Bloke walks into a Butcher's shop & says
"Have you got a Sheep's Head?

Butcher says.
"No it's just the way i part my hair"!

Boom Boom.

Woman asks the barman for a double entendre.
He gave her one.