Jokes- lighten my day please

Awayfromburnley · Post by **Awayfromburnley** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 1:27 pm

I used to get so many jokes via text, I hardly get any now.

Can anyone upload any goods jokes onto here that can be sent via text.

Obviously not bad taste/offensive/racist etc

Rileybobs · Post by **Rileybobs** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 1:32 pm

cricketfieldclarets · Post by **cricketfieldclarets** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 1:40 pm

Not mine someone posted on fb yesterday but made me laugh.

I hate German food jokes. They are the wurst!

Quicknick · Post by **Quicknick** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 1:41 pm

I have a horrible feeling Rovers will stay up.

Imploding Turtle · Post by **Imploding Turtle** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 1:46 pm

Awayfromburnley wrote:I used to get so many jokes via text, I hardly get any now.

Can anyone upload any goods jokes onto here that can be sent via text.

Oh yes!! My time has come.

Obviously not bad taste/offensive/racist etc

Sidney1st · Post by **Sidney1st** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 1:55 pm

I don't really swap the old fashioned jokes anymore, unless someone famous dies and then I seem to get loads that I pass on.

I remember Michael Jackson dying and a friend txt me demanding to know why I hadn't sent him any jokes yet

I tend to send on a lot of meme's, some of which are extremely offensive, others just funny.
Naturally I only send them on to a select bunch of people who don't get butthurt too easily.

BennyD · Post by **BennyD** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:14 pm

Martin McGuiness was a Statesman. Now that is funny.

edlass · Post by **edlass** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:17 pm

I just made one up.

What do you call a Children's Doctor that likes to read encyclopedias?

Wikipediatrician!

Imploding Turtle · Post by **Imploding Turtle** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:20 pm

edlass wrote:I just made one up.

What do you call a Children's Doctor that likes to read encyclopedias?

Wikipediatrician!

This joke is the worst thing that has ever happened.

bfccrazy · Post by **bfccrazy** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:25 pm

They say if you shave it off it grows back thicker.

I cant wait to see my new cock.

MACCA · Post by **MACCA** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:31 pm

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. Ive had 10 already this week.
Eight of them from my girlfriend, but It's the two from my mum that really upset me.

Imploding Turtle · Post by **Imploding Turtle** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:35 pm

If you're familiar with gaming lingo you should enjoy this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWIi6Py ... e=youtu.be" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

MACCA · Post by **MACCA** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:36 pm

My mates nickname is "The Shagg3r" the rest of us would be very happy with that, but her the ungrateful bithch doesn't like it!

Imploding Turtle · Post by **Imploding Turtle** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:37 pm

My girlfriend is an internet pornstar. She'll kill me when she finds out.

Sidney1st · Post by **Sidney1st** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:40 pm

A dog named SEX

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, Ive had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "Im looking for Sex..."

My court date has been set for Friday...

Sidney1st · Post by **Sidney1st** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:41 pm

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never

duncandisorderly · Post by **duncandisorderly** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:38 pm

An Englishman, Frenchman, German and Spaniard are all stood watching a street performer doing some outstanding juggling.
The juggler noticed the four gentlemen struggling to see so he stood on a box and said 'can you all see me now?'

'Yes'
'Oui'
'Si'
'Ja'

Dyched · Post by **Dyched** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:40 pm

Can't remember where I heard this

"Do you wanna know what I call my penis? The truth. Because girls can't handle the truth"

andyh · Post by **andyh** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:42 pm

duncandisorderly wrote:An Englishman, Frenchman, German and Spaniard are all stood watching a street performer doing some outstanding juggling.
The juggler noticed the four gentlemen struggling to see so he stood on a box and said 'can you all see me now?'

'Yes'
'Oui'
'Si'
'Ja'

Erm the nationalities are in the wrong order

Fretters · Post by **Fretters** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:43 pm

http://www.conjunctivitis.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Now there's a site for sore eyes!

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:49 pm

No reply

claretdom · Post by **claretdom** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:53 pm

2 nuns in a bath
1 says wheres the soap
other says it does doesn't it

Andym26 · Post by **Andym26** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:56 pm

Ive invented a new game called quiet tennis.
Its basically normal tennis but without the racket.

bfccrazy · Post by **bfccrazy** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:58 pm

Just dropped my phone in my mayonnaise.

Fu(king Hellman.

groove · Post by **groove** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:59 pm

claretdom wrote:2 nuns in a bath
1 says wheres the soap
other says it does doesn't it

I don't get it?

CaptJohn · Post by **CaptJohn** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 4:00 pm

What's green and hangs from a tree?...............................A mouldy monkey
What's green and rides a white horse...............................Alexander the grape
What's brown and rides a white horse...............................Henry the turd

I love the old ones

CaptJohn · Post by **CaptJohn** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 4:01 pm

There was a little boy sitting on the synagogue steps crying because someone had nicked his pull over.

FactualFrank · Post by **FactualFrank** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 4:08 pm

My sister laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

Awayfromburnley · Post by **Awayfromburnley** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 4:16 pm

Brilliant.

Just what i needed- thank you.

Apart from the Wikipeadiatricina one. That was bad. Very bad.

minnieclaret · Post by **minnieclaret** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 4:33 pm

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal
with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . "You just happened to catch my eye."

duncandisorderly · Post by **duncandisorderly** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 4:37 pm

I remember being drunk one night and asking the DJ to put on the Cure but they didn't have any, so they put Placebo on instead which seemed to work.

minnieclaret · Post by **minnieclaret** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 4:38 pm

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own ******* blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

50 shades of Grey · Post by **50 shades of Grey** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 4:50 pm

Postby groove » Thu Mar 23, 2017 3:59 pm:

claretdom wrote:
2 nuns in a bath
1 says wheres the soap
other says it does doesn't it

Groove: I don't get it?

You don't get it, and your username is Groove. Well, there's irony.

gc14 · Post by **gc14** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 5:10 pm

I as watching some porn last night when my mum walked in .. Not the best way to find out what she does for a
living !!

FCBurnley · Post by **FCBurnley** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 5:26 pm

Irishman sitting at bar starts chatting to guy sitting next to him. He asks if he is also an Irishman . The man replies yes. `And which part of Ireland do you come from` he asks. `I come from Dublin` he replies. Wow says first man. `So do i. Which part of Dublin ? ` I come from St Marys and used to go to The Holy Family School` That is just amazing says first man. `That is exactly where I grew up. What a small world it is to be sure`

Then a lady enters the bar and orders a drink. Mick the barman says to her` It is going to be a bad night in here to be sure`. `Why would that be Mick` asks the lady. `The Murphy twins are drunk again `he replies.

longsidetrumpet · Post by **longsidetrumpet** » Thu Mar 23, 2017 5:34 pm

My latest composition:
Did you know there were three Miliband brothers?
Ed Miliband
David Miliband
...and Steve Millerband
One for fans of politics and 70s music

califclaret · Post by **califclaret** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 12:24 am

Young girl in barbers shop eating a muffin. barber say you will get hair on your muffin. girl says: I know and I will get tits too you dirty old man.

Ightenclaret · Post by **Ightenclaret** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 12:28 am

What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flick-knife.

get stuck in tracy · Post by **get stuck in tracy** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 9:12 am

If I want to cheer myself up I just go on you tube and watch George Bush isms.

starting_11 · Post by **starting_11** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 11:10 am

Why do French people eat snails?

Cos they don't like fast food!

Down_Rover · Post by **Down_Rover** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 4:10 pm

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 4:12 pm

No more sex for the British... beef on the bone's been banned (20 years out of date)!

MrTopTier · Post by **MrTopTier** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 4:32 pm

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

MrTopTier · Post by **MrTopTier** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 4:34 pm

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, I can't afford to be blamed for anything.
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

Woodleyclaret · Post by **Woodleyclaret** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 5:53 pm

Two old ladies outside a Welsh chapel discussing the new minister. He's a bit loud. WHAT? He shouts a lot.WHAT? Bawls like a bull. HAS HE?

Vintage Claret · Post by **Vintage Claret** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 6:08 pm

Someone left a piece of plasticine on my desk at work this morning, I didn't know what to make of it.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I think he was trying to pull a fast one

I was out at sea the other day and a load of meat floated past, it was a bit choppy

I met the bloke who invented crosswords recently, can't remember his name but it was P something T something R

A friend of mine always dreamt of being run over by a steam train, when it happened he was chuffed to bits.

I saw a woman drop a full Scrabble set on the pavement the other day, I said "what's the word on the street?"

(Courtesy of Mr. T. Vine)

MACCA · Post by **MACCA** » Fri Mar 24, 2017 6:11 pm

I often get love sick, and you may think, aww that's nice, but it's not really, as the doctors still call it chlamydia.