Friday Humour Mark 2

[evensteadiereddie]

You've probably heard this but it still makes me chuckle.

A kid asks,
"Dad, how come my sister's called Teresa ?"
"Well, son, your Mum absolutely adores Easter, can't get enough of it and it's what we call an anagram of the word Easter."
"Wow, thanks, Dad !"
"No problem, Alan."

[claretdom]

Think jokes are banned, looks like someone complained about turtles

[evensteadiereddie]

It was probably his joke's subject that was deemed to be off-limits, I suspect. Fair enough.

[ExistentialWanderer]

You've probably heard this but it still makes me chuckle.

A kid asks,
"Dad, how come my sister's called Teresa ?"
"Well, son, your Mum absolutely adores Easter, can't get enough of it and it's what we call an anagram of the word Easter."
"Wow, thanks, Dad !"
"No problem, Alan."

I get it but it doesn't make sense...

[claretdom]

I get it but it doesn't make sense...

Alan is also an anagram

[Raggus]

Made me chuckle.

[Holtyclaret]

This made me chuckle today.

[ExistentialWanderer]

Alan is also an anagram

Yes I get the joke. Anal. But if she likes it so much she'd never have had Alan....

[evensteadiereddie]

I'm glad I didn't put up any more jokes like that, existential, you'd have just rectum...

[MACCA]

Warning to all Tesco shoppers, there are currently have 2 power fit Eastern European women offering to wash your car inside and out for only a fiver!

They are very skantly clad, leaving nothing to the imagination in their 2 peice bakini.

But sadly all isn't what it seems, whilst one leans over vacing the mats, with all the good bits moving, the other steals things whilst you're distracted.

Tuesday it was my sat nav, Wednesday my laptop, Thursday my new iPhone and this morning my bloody wallet!

[duncandisorderly]

[piston broke]

Yes I get the joke. Anal. But if she likes it so much she'd never have had Alan....

family_planning.jpg (44.25 KiB) Viewed 4953 times

[piston broke]

Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store & says to the assistant;
"Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"
The assistant looks at him & says; "
"Are you taking the mickey? We sell; cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, & alarm clocks. What is a potato clock?"
Paddy says;
"I honestly don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow & the wife said:

"You better get a potato clock".

[Goobs]

Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store & says to the assistant;
"Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"
The assistant looks at him & says; "
"Are you taking the mickey? We sell; cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, & alarm clocks. What is a potato clock?"
Paddy says;
"I honestly don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow & the wife said:

"You better get a potato clock".

Read this twice and didn't get it then said it out loud in an Irish (or very poor attempt at) accent before I got it. Clearly my brain or what there is of it has started the weekend early this week.

[Juan Tanamera]

I'm sure the missus is having an affair.
We've moved 200 miles south and we've still got the same window cleaner.

[Imploding Turtle]

Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store & says to the assistant;
"Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"
The assistant looks at him & says; "
"Are you taking the mickey? We sell; cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, & alarm clocks. What is a potato clock?"
Paddy says;
"I honestly don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow & the wife said:

"You better get a potato clock".

So racist!

[Imploding Turtle]

Literally racism!

[piston broke]

So racist!

i actually thought twice before posting but my bro gets Paddy, born in Yarkshur, and my grandad got Paddy, born in Njcassel. As there is no mention of race in there I went for it.
Sad that I had to even think about it. luvya, Turtle.

[FactualFrank]

My mate Sid was a victim of ID theft... He's just called S now.

[CharlieinNewMexico]

My mate Sid was a victim of ID theft... He's just called S now.

How does he survive without the part of the mind in which innate instinctive impulses and primary processes are manifest?

[bfcjg]

Two nuns sat in a bath,one says "where's soap ?"the other one said "yes it does doesn't it"

[Vintage Claret]

2 fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "so, do you know how to drive this thing?"

[ŽižkovClaret]

One of my own:

Paddy and Dave are fitting a new set of moving stairs In a department store. It has three settings. They try one, but that goes at 1 mile an hour, too slow, the 2nd goes at 2 miles an hour, still too slow. So Paddy gets ****** off and slams on button number 3.... it goes at 60 miles per hour and Dave ends up stuck in the ceiling at the top....




Bloody hell.... says Paddy......





That escalated quickly

[piston broke]

This post has been topped with the next one so instead of wasting your time reading this have a listen to Spades post.





This is an old one and I don't know or care if it is true it just makes me laugh.

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

"Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight, noted in Block 11 of the accident report.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Bill Fuller"

[spadesclaret]

Just for you, piston broke -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=np8iLIt7G0A" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[piston broke]

Love it, Your Maj. I'm glad I'm wearing me incontinence pants.

[dsr]

Or Gerard Hoffnung's version, spoken, 1958:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOy2GuaP8Mo" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

It really starts at about a minute.

[ExistentialWanderer]

I'm glad I didn't put up any more jokes like that, existential, you'd have just rectum...

It just doesn't make any sense! I have a varied sense of humour but, well it just doesn't make sense!

[CharlieinNewMexico]

It just doesn't make any sense! I have a varied sense of humour but, well it just doesn't make sense!

You need to sit and sphincter a minute
...

[piston broke]

It just doesn't make any sense! I have a varied sense of humour but, well it just doesn't make sense!

you dug yourself ahole there, EW.

[Andym26]

I just bought myself a new blindfold. Cant see myself wearing it though!

[Barrowfordclaret]

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown