Funny saying's

[AGENT_CLARET]

DL Claret just posted this in another thread "Much preferred Burnden even if it was rougher than Tarzan's feet"

Never heard this before and it made me laugh out loud, and it got me thinking what funny saying's have you heard and use.

The two I like are colder than a tramps toe's and wetter than an otters pocket.

[kentonclaret]

Continuing with the weather theme on a freezing winter day, as cold as charity.

[Firthy]

The more I see of some folk the more I love my dog.

[Steve1956]

The more I see of some folk the more I love my dog.

A funny saying and in these times so so true.

[bumba]

'we won't be as bad again all season'

[jdrobbo]

I always put my sandwiches up the night before I go into work.

[Aclaret]

I always put my sandwiches up the night before I go into work.

Me too, just as Mrs Aclret settles down to watch Emmerdale

[Neil]

I always put my sandwiches up the night before I go into work.

So do i

Not a funny saying but I said at work the other day can someone put the wireless on which the young uns found hilarious.

[Tricky Trevor]

Astee got time on ya cock?

[roperclaret]

Following on from the OP, it was always ‘as rough as a badgers arse.
Two other favourites:
Face like a bag of spanners
Mad as a box of frogs

[AfloatinClaret]

"...it was rougher than Tarzan's feet"

The two I like are colder than a tramps toe's and wetter than an otters pocket.

But are tarzan's feet even 'as rough as boots'? I can't believe that they're 'as rough as a badger's arse'; nor will a tramp's toes be anywhere near 'as cold as a witches tit'. I'm not going to mention my alternative to the otter's pocket... that'd likely get my post pulled.

[IPAclaret]

Thicker than a boxing day turd

[RMutt]

There’s a phrase for when someone is in a bad mood. ‘They’ve seen their arse in a mirror’

[IanMcL]

You don't look at the mantle piece when you are stoking the fire.

[Firthy]

This will probably get deleted. But the good old comment when having sex.

Half an inch out and in the sh*t again

[Funkydrummer]

Face like a melted welly.
Face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
Dry as Ghandi's flip flop.

[ColneMonkey]

One that made me laugh, for someone who’s not very good a something or a bit daft…

They’d struggle to find their @rse with both hands.

[roperclaret]

Couldn’t hit a cows arse with a banjo

[roperclaret]

One that stuck with me from a guy a worked with in Manchester- ‘it was like throwing a sausage up Deansgate’

[Volvoclaret]

Flat as a witch's tit

[Juan Tanamera]

One of my late Mum's classic: "Every time I open my mouth I put foot in it."

[IanMcL]

I'll have a pint of mother in law please.

Old and Bitter.

[burnmark]

My grandad used to always say ‘same dog — more hair on!’ meaning ‘it’s more or less the same thing!’

[Vintage Claret]

As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike

[Midmoorclaret]

As much use as Tits on a Goldfish!

[AfloatinClaret]

Couldn’t hit a cows arse with a banjo

Many years ago I used that one whilst watching an England match. It must have struck a chord with my Mrs as she ever after referred to the player as 'Banjo'... What's Banjo Lampard up to nowadays?

[Claret Till I Die]

Well I'll go t' foot of our stairs

[Bosscat]

"If you fall off that wall and break your leg ... Don't come running to me"

[Tricky Trevor]

One I’ve only ever heard in Burnley.
“See you later, masturbator”
Response being:
“In a while, paedophile”

You’ll be singing that version all day now.

[Bin Ont Turf]

Tha'd eat two taties more n' a pig.

[Browntuba]

Phrases that have always stuck with me from working with older gents years ago :
“He’s got eyes like a shithouse rat “
“Stuck like sh*t to a blanket”
Both faeces related ones

[ecc]

One I’ve only ever heard in Burnley.
“See you later, masturbator”
Response being:
“In a while, paedophile”

You’ll be singing that version all day now.

Touch of class there, TT.

[HahaYeah]

Always liked George Galloways when talking of say - Labour and Tories, 'Two cheeks on the same arse.'

Dad used to say one you don't hear much nowadays, someone was 'Thick as a workhouse butty'.

On someone who had been put in their place, 'Face like a slapped arse.'

[LincsWoldsClaret]

Could organise a sore arse in a gay brothel

[bobinho]

Slower than a week in jail….

Lazier than a Mexican village….

[bobinho]

And very apt for this neck of the woods… teeth like a zulus necklace…

[bodge]

Anyone suffering from a severe case of acne would have "a face like a clumsy beekeeper".

[Burnley1989]

As dry as a nuns chuff

[Burnley1989]

“She looked like she’d been bobbing for apples in chip fat”

[bobinho]

When discussing zeki Adonis ability to A find the net, B find another Burnley player or C find himself in full control of the ball, “he couldn’t find his own arse with both hands”