Beat the Edinburgh Fringe Perrier Award

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sun Aug 22, 2021 12:57 am

(loud cheers) Thanks for being such a great audience tonight and GOOD. NIGHT. UTCeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sun Aug 22, 2021 3:29 am

Conway's on the phone to Hill he says Pauli's poorly.

... And Hill says I know he is.

Conway replies who told you?

Hill says well he's always been Pauli.

How do you know, says Conway.

What do you mean how do I know?

Did he tell you, says Conway...

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Wed Aug 25, 2021 7:29 pm

Peace keeping force giving out Listerine outside the mosque...

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Wed Aug 25, 2021 7:32 pm

Steady...

A cannet stand.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Wed Aug 25, 2021 7:35 pm

Don't ask any Geordies the way to the Berggruen Insitute.

"Berggruen"?

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Wed Aug 25, 2021 7:38 pm

The swing bridge in Newcastle has finally stopped swinging and they've found the reason and it's global warming.

Even the bridges move to keep warm up there.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Wed Aug 25, 2021 7:50 pm

New girlfriend round at the flat for dinner and I bring the food to the table and present the plate and I say "I used to cook this meal."

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Wed Aug 25, 2021 10:35 pm

I was in a hotel in a strange town and I thought I'd go out for a drink and I checked the clock and it said 22.30 and I thought no.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 5:15 pm

If you're from Burnley and you live in the Beautiful South, eventually the complete battering of Northerners has a cumulative effect and you can be in a situation where you can't go back to former worlds and no ways forward and the negative energy against oneself almost becomes a channel of pure hate, almost total negativity.

So I thought I'd try therapy and I went to a therapist and they said that all that negative energy is unfocused in reality, it's seems collective and directed in fact what hits you IS energy and not the person or persons and those persons don't really know what they are doing.

It's just they don't know you and you seem unpleasant in every way to the Sourthern sensibility.

They said hold a mirror if you can as if to light but to dark and turn it slightly and re-direct that negative energy to the place where perhaps it is meant to go, instead of you.

They said relax and just focus if you can away from yourself that energy and see what happens.

So I did and then I rediscovered the place of the self to re-direct that energy and at that moment I jumped up and started shouting "WE ALL HATE LEEDS AND LEEDS LEEDS AND LEEDS AND LEEDS LEEDS

WE ALL F*CKIN HATE LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!"

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 6:35 pm

First class infants doctors and nurses and you **** on the floor and that sexy girl and her older sister sort it.

Shes' six and now a woman.

Next year on, playing shops and an introduction to social ways to be and can I have one of those and those and how much and here's the money or whatever and everyone loves playing.

Actually they don't.

You pull the girl in the shop for doing it with ease, others struggle and it hurts.

They then go into a group.

Twenty years later said losers you see the girls down Burnley and are filled with despair.

After twenty further years of agony you finally manage to gather a thought... If only I'd been clever enough at school to pretend to be thick.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 6:54 pm

Alan Brazil Football Meme

'If you want to make it as a professional footballer have a keepy-up knees up with a grapefruit instead of your granny.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 7:38 pm

When I was a kid, Terry Venables was the ultimate Muppet at the Turf in the early 70's.

Barrel chested oily Southerner with a cartoon Beatles good-boy haircut, I think I laughed and jeered him for 90 minutes at 15 yards.

Trained as a ballerina in early age so the gossip goes, he was a classy defender because he always kept his head held high and his back straight and vertical no matter what.

Burnley could never ruffle him, no matter what the score.

One comb at half-time and that £3 hair cut will always revive.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 7:42 pm

Alan Brazil said he learned how to get ball control as a child from playing keepy-up with a grapefruit.

Hold on a minute... He was born in Govan in 1959.

That's not going to work.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 7:43 pm

Del Monte...

... Even then.

"No, Pstotto, It was Del Monte."

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 7:50 pm

... "No the trick was to do the keepy-up with the grapefruit when you're seven and in the hairdressers and then the can begins to crumble you volley the remains into the nesrest hairdryer as the women get in for the acid rinse.'

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 7:52 pm

Having tinned grapefruit as a child in the 60s and your older sister is fawning by the desert dish for hair conditioning...

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:04 pm

Oh yeah Pstotto, typical Westerner.

Get this... You won't believe it but there's trees near where he lives and his still goes shopping and buys toilet paper.

What a lightweight.

What a lightweight wusser.

Waxy leaves as well...

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:07 pm

He's one of those blokes that will buy toilet paper instead of using free waxy leaves, you know...

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:10 pm

Bob Lord mentality... Start off selling free waxy leaves down your street and a decade later you own supermarkets and sell the leaves there.

Oh Pstotto what a wusser, he buys waxy leaves when there's a paper recycling bin on his drive.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:12 pm

"I went to School Izal, but I only ****** there.'

yTib · Post by **yTib** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:12 pm

started early on today did you pstotto? see you're already at the referring to yourself in the third person stage and it's still light outside.

someone needs to sack this turkey.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:13 pm

PSD filed the story later.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:14 pm

yTib you're a good Buddhist but it's not my roots.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:21 pm

The only way to pull a Dartford girl is to go on anti-psychotics so you get fatter than she is and then she can display her and the social.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:30 pm

I was brought up in a 60s new detached house and Coronation Street in Black and White was pure horror movie and the abyss sucking you into school every day.

... And then just when TV oppression couldn't get any worse, along comes Australian nihilism on Top of The Pops... The Seekers.

If this ain't going to crush you, in fact it will.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:35 pm

Take Bert Kampfert from Dahktari, add a little Skippy and now for something a little less arid, David Carradine.

...Nihilism is if you can't handle Vicky Leandros, how about David Carradine.

Go on then, you first and then I'll decide.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:37 pm

No.

It's all gone Cliff Michelmore in our house and I'm off to Tenerife.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:42 pm

I passed my 11-plus and I've been 3-printing myself ready for school ever since.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:44 pm

3-D printing myself in 3-D.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:48 pm

Pep Guardiola down town, what's that doing out?

Andy Cooke KFC Colne Rd...

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:52 pm

I'll think I'll have a KFC down town.

(Pstotto thinking)

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 8:58 pm

... And then at least I have an excuse to be with chav chics and still maintain my class reputation.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:03 pm

Instead of eating in and buying from Waitrose tonight I thought I'd go into town and be spontaneous and all party-mood and buy something from the trendy street-food pop-up market and contribute to the local Chinese economy.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:12 pm

I'm having one of those nights contemplating and putting things in perspexive.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:15 pm

Mick used to say it's a great leveller, drugs.

Same tsunami.

... Different representation of it for one million quid at auction a few weeks later, though.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:22 pm

... I live on benefit.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:24 pm

... Triple Google Search Internet World Champion (really)

Fringe comedy...

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:27 pm

... Since 2011.

No takers.

Fringe comedy.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:29 pm

Earned status.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:35 pm

I'm not quite sure what 'earned status' means, however I vindicate my intelligence a bit.

...But only a bit.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:38 pm

I told my mates I got a job at the Marmite factory and they said you're scraping the barrel there.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:38 pm

Local bacteria 'I'm off for a drink'...

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:40 pm

... Into the ferment.

Cubanforever · Post by **Cubanforever** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:40 pm

Pstotto Ive not had a good day at all but I do have a slight smile on my face reading some of these....not fully sure what I find funny but thankyou

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:47 pm

I've become a street pastor, violent slob with the girl of my dreams how can I help you get home safely...

So you really are a street pastor, you saint.

I hate altruism.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:48 pm

Don't break bad at six, leave it to sixteen.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:49 pm

if you don't, you have left it to sixteen.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:51 pm

Cubanforever, thanks for ticking my box and now I feel like a really nice person.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:53 pm

Life's OK if you can document it.

Remember the 21C?

No I can't.

Not even in 2021 alive and now?

Sorry.

Pstotto · Post by **Pstotto** » Sat Aug 28, 2021 9:58 pm

"It's 27 degrees and..."

The world reflects away the history of all universal light for all time to see but if it's Dan Cruickshank or Dicky Attenborough then somehow that has God value and succour so take succour and commentate yourself to salvation.